Meerkat peeping tom caught red pawed

"Our Smelly" approves of the view

Female visitors to Cagem Up Zoo in Baltimore were in for a small surprise this week, when the Zoo’s resident Meerkat started giving them advice about their underwear.

“Our Smelly”, as the Meerkat has been nicknamed seems to be crazy about ladies panties, knickers and other intimate apparel. And the funny little mammal has no problem pointing out his preferences.

Despite the fact that ‘Our Smelly’ always has his head up their skirts, the Meerkat is proving a popular attraction. Women from all over the States have been visiting in the hope that Our Smelly will get to grips with their undergarments.

One visitor, 27 year old Amanda Kizzenhug from Toad Suck, Arkansas said, “I love visiting the cute little creature. He’s the world’s greatest. I love his funny little furry face and I love the fact that ‘Our Smelly’ stares at our black panties.”

“We are pleased that Our Smelly has proven to be so popular,” stated a spokesman for the Zoo. “Despite his popularity we still have to remind the public that Our Smelly is a wild animal and so has no manners and can sometimes be very rude. Yes, at times he can appear quite charming, but he likes to look at your underwear. He also likes to urinate on people and there have been times when I’ve seen him steppin in it. Thank goodness he doesn’t believe he can fly, if he did I think we would need to keep him permanently locked up.”

Leaves are dying

Don't do it! A sad, suicidal leaf about to jump!

Don’t be alarmed, but we bring alarming news…  there are leaves out there … and they are dying. Yes you heard right, leaves are dying people! We know its true because top Biologists have this week announced that there is an alarming pattern of intentional leaf deaths or ‘suicide’ amongst the UK’s deciduous tree population.

It would appear that each year during the months of September, October and November the rate of leaf suicide rises to more than 645 million deaths.

As yet, no one can work out why the leaves feel the need to kill themselves, but researchers from Partridge University in Norwich (who had an “Ahaaa” moment) believe it has something to do with the trees getting depressed during Autumn. “We feel there is a definite connection between the leaves committing suicide and the trees feeling the winter blues,” said Professor Amy Anidiot. “We urge people to spare a thought for the trees and next time they are near one, give it a hug, tell it a joke or tickle it a bit, see if you can cheer it up.”

In the majority of cases the main method of suicide involved jumping from a tree with only a handful of leaves preferring to kill themselves by jumping on to railway tracks.

Romanians stole my house

Where’s it gone?

Recently, there has been a rise in a particular kind of house theft, where a group of immigrants take advantage of unsuspecting home owners by moving into their home while they pop out to the shops. Normally, the locks are changed before the unfortunate home owner returns to find that his house is no longer his. Things are bad enough for the victims in such cases, but spare a thought for poor Lesley Swipes who came home from a two week break in Benidorm to discover that her whole house had been nicked. The thieves not only took possession of Ms Swipes home, but they took its entire contents: bricks, doors, windows, roof and parking bay – everything, all the way down to the foundations.

“Imagine what I was thinking when I came home to find my house was not where I left it!” said the distraught single mother of three. “Where are me and the kids going to go now? I’ve got the keys but nowhere to stick em!”

A police spokesperson said “These criminals are really nasty little thieving bastards who will nick anything even if it is bolted down. We advise the public to never, in any circumstances, leave their possessions unattended and if possible set up a barricade around their home and arm themselves to the teeth. We are sure that if everyone takes these steps incidents such as this one will be in decline.”

If anyone has seen a four bed-roomed brick-built detached house with a green front door and red tiled roof they are asked to report its location directly to the police.

While Ms Swipes waits for the return of her house, she and the three kids took possession of a neighbour’s house while he was out at the Post Office.

Snails – the best beauty budget buy

 

Revel in the slime

At last, an anti-aging solution that we can all afford! In the newest and perhaps strangest of all beauty fads people are using snails to banish wrinkles and give them tight, shiny skin.

Snail slime is sticky and gooey and it helps keep the bottom or ‘foot’ of the snail as smooth as silk.

“And that’s what makes it perfect for smearing all over your face,” says Beauty Consultant and snail fan Les Cargot. “This is no tall snail tale. Take a look at the bottom of any snail and I guarantee that you will not find a wrinkle. The snail naturally oozes its own lubricant that smoothes away creases and wrinkles. I’m recommending snail slime to all my clients. If it can work for a snail, imagine what it will do to your face.“

Daily Snail columnist Liz Moans told Yarpnews: “It takes the slime from approximately 20 snails to adequately cover your face. For perfect results the experts suggest that you keep them on for at least three hours.”

“If three hours seems too long to have a bunch of snails on your face, you can simply keep a couple tucked behind your ears instead. Keeping snails behind your ears means that they are free to roam all over your face, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It’s a truly fantastic way to keep your face smooth and fresh looking. And once you have had you snails done, you can always release them back into the garden – or if you are feeling French you could enjoy a tasty treat. Just sauté the snails in butter and garlic and serve with French bread – delicious.”

Savvy scientist breaks land speed record

Stephen Hawking is gutted he missed the land speed record

Super brain genius Stephen Hawking was last night caught doing 850 miles an hour through Cricklewood High Street in his custom built electric wheel chair.

Police Officers called to the scene reported that they saw a ‘crazy scientific blur streaking down the road’ before they managed to deploy a stinger which eventually stopped the speeding scientist. Upon closer inspection of Mr Hawking’s chair it was discovered that the motor contained a dilithium crystal converter.

“You were lucky to catch me”, commented the metal toned mastermind, “if I didn’t have such tiny wheels, I would be doing warp speed by now.”

Although Police radar confirmed Mr Hawking’s speed, the speeding scientist cannot officially claim the land speed record because he only went one way down the High Street

Who ate all the flies – the Amazingly Fat Spider-Man

Who ate all the flies?

A ripple of shock echoed around Hollywood this week when fans got a sneak peek behind the scenes of the new movie The Amazing Spider-Man, which is due to be released in summer 2012.

A recently released still from the movie shows the new star Andrew Garfield apparently dressed in Spidey’s black ‘Venom’ suit – and from the photograph it seems the role may have gone to Garfield’s head… and arms, legs and stomach.

A friend, who would only say his name was ‘Jon’ claimed to know Garfield very well: “I wouldn’t say Garfield is fat, but the last time he got on a Ferris wheel, the two guys on top starved to death.”

Some argue that a bigger-boned superhero would provide a more realistic role model for modern society.

“These days everyone is fat,” Chunky Mcfudgebuckets movie critic and true Spider-Man fan. “Kids are fatter, parents are fatter, hell even dogs are fatter. It only makes sense that Spider-Man would get fat too.”

However the studio is claiming that the image is an optical illusion caused by Spider-Man’s evil foe: ‘Venom’. Venom is a diabolical parasitic alien that takes the form of a Black Spider-Man suit. When Spider-Man puts on the evil ‘Venom’ suit strange and dangerous things happen.

“There is a scene in the new film where Venom makes Spidey think he’s just a sad, pathetic middle aged fat man standing in a drab suburban house,” said the Director of the new film, the amusingly named Mr Marc WEBB. “It’s a very powerful scene. Truly terrifying to watch – it’s gross in so many ways. My stomach is actually churning just thinking about it.”

Housewife accidently launched into space

Amy Atdamoon plays with her husband's pocket rocket

Reports are just coming in that ex-NASA rocket scientist Mr Luke Atdamoon, 67, from Florida has accidently sent his wife Amy Atdamoon, 65, into orbit.

Mr Atdamoon has reportedly been building a scaled down version of the Apollo 13 rocket in his back garden for the past twenty five years. The brainy boffin had intended to go into orbit himself, but it appears his wife’s beaten him to it.

“It was lucky that I only filled the tank with unleaded gas from my local gas station, if I had used real rocket fuel, the stupid old bag would have been on her way to the moon by now!”

Mr Atdamoon had been driving back from the hardware store when he spotted something unusual in the sky and immediately knew something was wrong.

“If I’ve told her once, I’ve told her a million times not to dust the control panel, but the dozy dame just wouldn’t listen,” laughed Mr Atdamoon.

“On the bright side it was a beautiful launch, the weather clear and sunny , so I could see her all the way to the stratosphere before I lost sight of her… I think that was somewhere above Mexico.”

Mr Atdamoon is now based at ground control, a converted Winnebago, waiting for his wife’s return. He has managed to contact Amy whose only fear is missing Glee on TV.

The hapless scientist is expecting his wife to re-enter the earth’s atmosphere in approximately three weeks time. He is hoping she will crash land somewhere in Canada or Alaska some time around lunchtime.

“It’s a long drive in the Winnebago to Alaska, but these things happen,” grinned the barmy brainiac, “I just can’t wait to see her face, she’ll be over the moon!”