Hot man melts

In Crazy YarpNews on July 24, 2016 at 12:56 pm


Man makes his own people puddle

It’s hot, hot, hot outside, hot enough to fry an egg… or melt a person.

And that’s just what happened this morning when California native Hugo Sticky (28) popped out for a breakfast burrito.

“I just finished eating a hot burrito, when I had a feeling something was wrong,” explained Mr Sticky “I felt really strange, kind of down and deflated. I said to a lady who was passing by ‘Man my ass is really hot,’ and she agreed.

“At first I thought I was just shrinking as I seemed to be getting shorter. But I was sweating like crazy and I said to the burrito guy, ‘Man it’s so hot out here even the chickens are laying hard boiled eggs. I mean I feel like I am melting’ and he laughed and said ‘You are’ and when I looked down I saw that he was right and there was nothing left of me but this people puddle.”

“It was really freaky,” added the burrito guy. “He was like, ‘I am so hot man, I’m melting.’ And I was like ‘yeah man, you are!“

Doctors are today warning of the dangers of melting on hot, hot, hot days.

“There were two main reasons why Mr Sticky melted,” explained eminent scientist and DJ, Dr Indahouse. “The first of course, is the outside temperature. I mean it’s hotter than the devil’s dick out there. I recommend to all my patients that they stay indoors and try not to melt. The other thing I recommend is that they never, ever eat a burrito full of extra hot chili peppers. And if they do, never to eat a burrito full of Trinidad Scorpion Butch T peppers because they are extremely hot. I would hate to think what would happen to someone who say ate a breakfast burrito full of Trinidad Scorpion Butch T peppers on a very hot day like today… they would probably melt.”

Mobile music for the masses

In Crazy YarpNews on July 15, 2016 at 8:23 pm

Old boys Si Desaddle and Lee Ninonkey aka Fat Boy Fat are back on tour!

Fans of eighties pop duo Si Desaddle and Lee Ninonkey aka Fat Boy Fat will be delighted to hear that the old boys are back on tour!

Armed with nothing more than a bicycle pump and a gallon of saddle salve, to help soothe any sores, the guys have reformed in order to bring their music to the masses. They plan to tour America first and then head to the UK and the rest of Europe after, weather permitting.

“For too long people have been listening to synthesised drivel that hardly passes for real music,” stated Fat Boy Fat. “Our extensive tour will bring real music in its pure, raw form right to their doorsteps. We have many tour dates planned, so expect to see us in your neighbourhood soon!”

“We are both excited about our upcoming tour,” added Fat Boy’s pedal man and side kick Si Desaddle. “Personally I am very excited, but Fat Boy Fat is really excited – you will be able to see for yourself when you come to one of our shows.”

Throughout their tour the guys will be performing all of their classic hits including age-old favourites such as:

My lumps, my lovely lardy lumps
Blubber Lubber
Stuff my pie hole
Thunder, thunder, thunder thighs
Has anyone seen my spare tyre?
Lonely sausage

When asked about his decision to perform naked throughout the tour, Fat Boy Fat responded:

“If you got it flaunt it baby!”

Well said, Fat Boy Fat!

When is a tail not a tail?

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 9, 2014 at 12:45 pm

If that’s not a tail between its legs, does it mean it’s pleased to see me?

When you’re a busy biologist, naming new species can be a bit of a drag. Not only do you have to come up with something interesting and relevant in English, but you also have to come up with another often unpronounceable Latin version for its scientific name.

The trouble with spending all your time naming things is you don’t have much time to check that the names you’ve been handing out are correct.

Consider the Ascaphus Truei, which is otherwise known as the Coastal Tailed Frog. Yes, it is a frog and yes, it does hang out near the coast, but hang on a minute, is that really a tail between it’s legs?

So, if it’s not a tail, what is that large appendage? Why, it’s the equipment that froggy went a-courting with!

And there is the rub. The poor little frog proudly drags his mighty manhood around, but gets no recognition for his talent, even though it can grow up to a quarter of the length of his body! That’s huge

Although the comparative size of the beast to its ‘tail’ is impressive, it’s not what you’ve got, but what you do with it that counts and here the Coastal Tailed Frog shines, as it is the master of wagging its ‘tail’.

“It actually swivels around to different positions,” said aquatic ecologist, Harry Toadlicker. “Also, they have sex in very cold water, which is not easy either.”

Fortunately, for the little frog, the ladies don’t seem to mind that his most unique attribute has been incorrectly named – the latest buzz around the fish pond is that there are a bevy of wide mouthed beauties keen to meet a coastal ‘tailed’ frog.

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