Because the majority of drivers on Britain’s roads are either out of their tiny minds on alcohol or drugs (be they prescribed or otherwise), the government has today launched a series of new drug tests, to see whether the British public’s general performance on the roads would be affected.
In order to carry out these drug tests the government has commissioned the world’s leading car experts and aficionados – the team from the popular TV program Top Gear to carry out the testing.
Jeremy Clarkson (the tall mouthy one) said, “It’s a fantastic decision by the government. We can’t wait to test the new BMW 12 series. Stig will be our guinea pig as he will be the one taking the drugs and driving whilst comparing performance, reaction times and his ability to stay alive even as he is ploughing into groups of innocent by standers. It’s a tough job for Stig, whereas we (the rest of the team) will be acting as a sort of judge’s panel and so we will be taking the drugs just for the fun of it.
Stig’s first test was the BMW on LSD. Half an hour after taking his first trip, Stig stood up and approached the car, so the Top Gear team started their stop watch. Stig then got into the back seat of the car, where he remained throughout the test. He seemed fascinated by the intricate upholstery (which we all agreed was particularly wiggley). We stopped the test after Stig spent more than three hours staring at the back of the driver’s seat whilst listening to “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” over and over again. It was time for us to proceed to test number two.
The second test was cocaine. Stig took a nose-full off of the especially engineered ‘stashboard’ before winding the window down and pumping up the tunes. He was last seen driving slowly near an icecream van whilst hanging out the window and trying to look cool. When a group of young teenage girls started shouting, ‘Get a life Pedo’ at him we decided to end that particular test early.
Next up was marijuana. Our man Stig strolled up to the car with plenty of swagger and after successfully getting in the right door and sitting in the right seat, he began to roll up a right fat one. After inhaling deeply, Stig began to laugh uncontrollably before playing ambient tunes on the car stereo. Stig’s driving remained unaffected as he didn’t actually start the engine, preferring to gorge himself on eight snickers bars before eventually falling asleep.
Stig’s final test was ecstasy. After popping a pill Stig actually managed to get into the car and start the engine. He also successfully got the car into gear and drive slowly up our race track. Admittedly he was shouting “I bloody love you Hammond,” and “James May your hair is sooooo beautiful,”, but we don’t feel that was a bad thing. Insisting we all got into a group hug was a little dangerous particularly as he was doing fifty in a thirty zone at the time, but overall we deemed it was a success.
These tests are just the first in a long line of tests and retests that Stig and the team intend to carry out. Next week Clarkson will be testing the new Jag on Whisky, Hammond the Honda Accord on Hooch and Mr May will be having a lie down in a darkened room.