10 ways to tell if you’re a wrinkly old American

In Crazy YarpNews on February 24, 2011 at 2:31 pm

The other week, Yarpnews brought you the shocking story that the British agency concerned with Fabricated Untruths Clouding Key Employees Records (F.U.C.K.E.R) was using a series of sneaky questions to catch out anyone who lied about their age on their job application. Now it seems that American employers are at it too.

F.U.C.K.E.R’s sister bureau, the Job and Employment Regulator that Keeps Out Fictitious Facts (J.E.R.K.O.F.F), based in Washington DC has just implemented their own questionnaire, titled ‘How to find a FOP’ (Fucking Old Person). The ten questions are said to be designed to catch out anyone who has lied about their age. 

Yarpnews has reprinted the questionnaire below. See how well you do…


Is it good to have a big boom box?

A)   Yes,      B)   Huh?        C) You dis my girl again and you’ll be needing a wooden box, you know what I’m saying?

Do you know who shot JR?

A)     Yes,      B)     No,        C) I ain’t saying nothing without my lawyer present.

Have you ever owned a five inch floppy?

A)     Yes,      B)     No,         C) Hey, if it’s a full five inches it won’t be floppy!

Have you given anyone an Indian burn recently?

A)   No,       B)   Yes,         C) Nah but I am thinking of burning me some Indian hemp.

When there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who you gonna call?

A)  Ghostbusters    B) The cops    C) I’d call ma crew and we’d sort it, know what I’m saying?

When someone says “Mork calling Orson”, do you want to say “Come in Orson’?

A)   Yes,       B)   No,           C) I’d say, shut it douche bag I’m trying to watch my program here

Do you know what Snorks are?

A)   Yes,       B)   No,           C) No, but I have had a few snorts in my time

Did you know that Joanie loves Chachi?

A)    Yes,      B)   No,            C) That girl will love anyone for a price

Have you ever heard Dr Ruth ‘Sexually Speaking’?

A)   Yes,      B)   No,            C) Dr Ruth, Dr Bob, Dr John, hell I’ve seen em all down the clinic!

Have you ever eaten a TV dinner from an aluminum tray?

A)    Yes,     B)   No,            C) That’s all you get in the pen


J.E.R.K.O.F.F  advise that if the candidate’s answers are mostly As they are ‘coffin dodgers’ and the employer should be aware that they are miserable old farts who are lying about their age. If their answers contain more Bs then the applicant is definitely young enough to go foreword to see the interview panel. Should anyone answers any of the Cs, the interviewer should be prepared to immediately drop to the floor and roll underneath the desk whilst screaming, “For the love of god someone dial 911!”


Editors note:

Yarpnews would like to thank the marvelous Sandy (and her Geezer) for inspiring the above story. Sandy, a beautiful Golden Retriever, writes an entertaining and fun filled blog all about her many adventures.  Good dog Sandy! Sandysays1.wordpress.com

  1. You’re funny. Nice morning smille, thanks. Oh, BTW, I’ve seen a few Polar Bears, up close, in the wild.


    • Thanks ‘Itsnotaboutdying”, we really appreciate your comments… were the Polar Bears drunk on Polar Beer when you got up close and personal?


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