Top employers are in crisis today after a recent report has highlighted that there has been a worrying decrease in employees taking sick days. It would seem that more and more people are letting the old standards slip by NOT taking a sickie.
“This is terrible news,” said Employment Minister Izzy Shirkin. “With everyone being forced to work more hours for less pay it is vital that workers continue to claim their full sick day entitlement. I can’t understand why anyone would NOT want to take a sick day, in my book that’s just sheer laziness. I mean even a school kid can think up an excuse to get some free time off.”
In order to help you make the most of your work week, Yarpnews has gathered together some top tips in sick day maintenance.
Top Tips in Sick Day Maintenance
Choose your weapon
It’s all about preparation. If you are going to fake an illness, make sure it’s a good one. If you want one or two days off, you will need your illness to work in that timeframe. It is no good claiming you have flu, leprosy, a fever, a cough, broken limb etc. Otherwise you will need to carry on acting ill (or actually break your leg) when you return to work.
Some GOOD illnesses to have are:
Diarrhea/stomach upset – a shitty excuse but nothing an employer will want to look into.
Period cramps – only works if you are female. Remember to only use this excuse once a month.
Urinary tract infection – sounds technical, involves toilets, and frightens employers.
Migraine – talk about seeing strange shapes and how bright lights hurt your eyes.
Nasal gleet – it involves chronic discharge and no one wants to know what that is.
Sebaceous cyst – getting something lanced is a good idea if you can get away with not having to book your ‘lancing’ in advance. Not many employers will fall for the emergency lancing ploy. Also remember to have your cysts somewhere prying eyes and poking fingers can’t find them.
Once you have chosen your illness, make sure to go around your workplace reporting the symptoms. Be sure to give your boss and work colleagues lots of gory details in your hourly updates. Once they have had a day of hearing all about your weeping sores, dripping mucous or gastric cramping, they will be really relieved when you take the following day off.
For extra effect you can apply some stage makeup to give yourself pale skin and dark circles under your eyes.
The brave, daring and better actors out there can also try the fake sick trick (using a tin of cold soup, which you ‘up chuck’ wherever you feel you will get the most dramatic effect). If you are good at this you will be sent straight home.
On the day
Whenever possible phone your boss to call in sick. When you make the call, lie down on your back and talk in a groggy voice. If you stand up you will sound too well.
Make your call saying, “Hi, I am not going to make it to work today as I have (INSERT ILLNESS HERE) and I feel terrible.”
Remember to choose an illness that you can recover from in just one day as flu, measles, leprosy etc won’t disappear overnight, so if you choose one of them you’ll need to continue ‘acting’ when you do eventually return to work.
If your boss starts getting tetchy
If you suspect that your boss is cottoning on to your little scheme, it would be a good idea to actually go into work when you are really sick. Your boss won’t fail to be impressed by your ability to ‘soldier on’ regardless. After you have infected everyone at work, you can also have some real sick leave.
Of course, it is not always possible to be fully prepared and there will be occasions when you need to get away, right now, today. There are two fool proof methods of getting out of work right now:
1. Stage an emergency call from a worried neighbor. If possible, get the ‘worried one’ to call your boss or his/her assistant directly (“Oh, I’m sorry, have I got the wrong number… ) Get your fake caller to sound panicked about a flooded house, fire, car crash, tornado, burglary or any other emergency that needs you back home right now.
Make sure to look surprised when you first here the news from your boss/bosses assistant.
2. Tell your boss in you most serious and demanding voice that you have to go home right now. If he/she questions why, whisper to them that you just farted and followed through. No more questions will be asked.