yarpnews

Everyone resign… it’s good for the country

In Crazy YarpNews on March 22, 2011 at 1:52 pm

The clever, but obviously a bit smelly, Mr Simon Cowell

Top celebrity and music mogul Simon Cowell is not such a towel as everyone makes out. Our undercover reporter Vikki Leeks has discovered a little project he has hidden under his very high belt called: How to save Britain’s failing economy.

According to our sources Mr Cowell is clever yet simple and so is his proactive approach to reducing Britain’s dangerously high unemployment statistics.

It works like this: Under British law people who resign do not qualify for unemployment benefit for at least six months. So a resignation does not instantly affect the unemployment statistics. The vacant position can now be filled by someone who is unemployed, thus reducing the number of people who are claiming unemployment benefit.

Some may argue that Mr Cowell’s plan is just a fancy ploy to trick people into resigning from their jobs. However, Mr Cowell insists that his plan will have instant and positive effects.

“I would urge David Cameron and the other bloke who runs the country to really consider this course of action,” stated Mr Cowell. “I was just counting a small truck load of my money when I realized I could be worth a lot more money if the UK wasn’t so crap. So I said to myself, Simon, you beautiful man, it is up to you to fix things.”

Since making his announcement Mr Cowell has been ignoring politicians and talking to publishers. An insider said that there is a book in the pipeline in which Mr Cowell lays out his detailed plans for saving the British economy.

The book, titled ‘The Exit Factor’, is said to include tips about how to trick an employee into resigning, including how to successfully accuse the innocent of embezzlement, sexual harassment, workplace bullying etc., whatever it takes to force them to resign.

 

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