In a shocking story, we hear of the sad tale of an 8 year old cat called Colin, who tried to commit suicide on Feline Facebook last night.
The miserable moggy had lost his purr, gone mangy and had begun to smell a bit like pee and so he decided to end his miserable life by killing himself. Having watched too many episodes of Itchy & Scratchy on the Simpsons, he concluded the best way to kill a cat like himself was to blow himself up. So Colin studied suicide bombers and made himself a suicide bomber vest, complete with several sticks of dynamite.
Maybe it was because he had no guts, maybe it was because he had no thumbs, maybe no one on Feline Facebook cared but Colin’s suicide bid failed just moments before he detonated his vest because a little old lady picked him up and dropped him into a wheelie bin.
Unrepentant, Colin has vowed to try to kill himself again. “I have nine lives to try to get this right,” mewed the petulant puss. “I will keep trying until I get to end all of them. I’m gonna make their fur fly”
If you are a cat contemplating suicide, please don’t. You are a very much loved member of society and we luff you. Suicide is not painless and it leaves behind a big mess.