yarpnews

Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

When is a tail not a tail?

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 9, 2014 at 12:45 pm

If that’s not a tail between its legs, does it mean it’s pleased to see me?

When you’re a busy biologist, naming new species can be a bit of a drag. Not only do you have to come up with something interesting and relevant in English, but you also have to come up with another often unpronounceable Latin version for its scientific name.

The trouble with spending all your time naming things is you don’t have much time to check that the names you’ve been handing out are correct.

Consider the Ascaphus Truei, which is otherwise known as the Coastal Tailed Frog. Yes, it is a frog and yes, it does hang out near the coast, but hang on a minute, is that really a tail between it’s legs?

So, if it’s not a tail, what is that large appendage? Why, it’s the equipment that froggy went a-courting with!

And there is the rub. The poor little frog proudly drags his mighty manhood around, but gets no recognition for his talent, even though it can grow up to a quarter of the length of his body! That’s huge

Although the comparative size of the beast to its ‘tail’ is impressive, it’s not what you’ve got, but what you do with it that counts and here the Coastal Tailed Frog shines, as it is the master of wagging its ‘tail’.

“It actually swivels around to different positions,” said aquatic ecologist, Harry Toadlicker. “Also, they have sex in very cold water, which is not easy either.”

Fortunately, for the little frog, the ladies don’t seem to mind that his most unique attribute has been incorrectly named – the latest buzz around the fish pond is that there are a bevy of wide mouthed beauties keen to meet a coastal ‘tailed’ frog.

Advertisements

Dr Doolittle makes FBI Most Wanted list

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 6, 2014 at 12:45 pm

Your money or your nine lives!

Dr Doolittle has finally made the FBI’s top ten Most Wanted list for crimes against the animal kingdom.

After committing numerous hideous crimes such as swindling squirrels out of their nuts, tricking elephants out of their swimming trunks and killing his own dog with a kitchen knife, Dr Doolittle has sunk to an even worse low. Yesterday he was involved in the brutal mugging of a defenceless kitten (aged 3 ½ weeks) at gunpoint.

The once adored animal whisperer had no excuse for this disgusting act of depravity, but he stated to Yarpnews that he was only preying on unsuspecting kittens because he mistakenly believed that people keep their cash in a ‘kitty’. What a douche bag.

Rare species of shark spotted off the coast of Devon

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on May 12, 2014 at 1:47 pm

Rare sighting of manko shark

A British couple were in for a shock yesterday tea time when a Manko Shark swam just metres from the shore at Insewage in Devon.

“I was about to go in for a paddle when up it popped,” explained father of seven and full time invalidity benefit collector, Rob Yamoma (29). “I could tell it was aggressive, just by the evil look it was giving my Mrs.  I ran about shouting ‘SHARK!’  and I am sure I scared it off. I probably saved a lot of lives today.”

Rob Yamoma’s companion and baby moma, Dizzy Bird (25) added, “Me and Rob were alone on the beach when this flipping great shark reared up out of the water, straight in front of us. It scared the pants off me… It frightened Rob so much he started crying.”

Experts identified the creature as an endangered manko, which although potentially dangerous, is not known to have attacked anyone in British waters. Mankos are one of the fastest and most agile of sharks, capable of jumping fully out of the water.

Cliff Walker (37) from the Seaside Trust, who saw the creature, said he thought the animal may have been injured.

“It was behaving oddly, on occasions it almost beached itself and I got the impression it was not well. This species sometimes visits the Devon coastline, although it does not usually venture so close to the shore.”

Insewage Beach was open today but officials are advising swimmers to remain cautious.

“No-one should be concerned,” continued Mr Walker. “Attacks around here are almost unheard of, so if anyone else gets bitten it wouldn’t be the first time.”

The manko can be found in very small numbers all over the world. It mostly eats fish and chips and peas with plenty of salt, vinegar and red sauce.

A fishy shoe tale to soothe your soul

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 30, 2014 at 11:34 am

Fish flops, the stinky shoes that soothe your soul

The very newest in footwear fashion is causing a storm on the cat walk and among cats in general because the latest look uses fish as its inspiration.

“I feel that most shoes have no soul,” simpered self absorbed Fashion Designer Fin Marlin, “it’s not my plaice to dis other designers, but my designs are not only inspired by fish, they are made from them.”

Mr Marlin’s range of shoes includes fish flops, herring bone sandals and red snapper stilettos.  The designer prides himself in using authentic materials and so each pair of shoes is genuinely unique.

“I only use real fish products in my designs. If you own a pair of my shoes you can guarantee that you will know that you are wearing a one-off original. They are so elite that most people can’t afford to wear them – you know you’ve made it when you’ve got your foot in a Marlin.”

Fortunately, for fashionistas Mr Marlins designs look, feel and smell like they have just come straight from the sea. So if you do manage to save up enough money to afford to buy a pair of Marlin shoes you will be able to confirm that they are original by the long line of cats that will suddenly show interest in your feet. The shoes are also bio-degradable and so if you ever get bored of them, you can always bury them in your garden 🙂

Visit the Safari Park to ‘chimp your ride’

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 13, 2014 at 1:17 pm

Visiting a Safari Park is always an adventure. Everyone expects to get leered at by the lions, gawked at by a giraffe and have their car systematically stripped down by a pack of primates.

It is no secret that the monkeys cleverly take those stripped car parts and turn them in to their own sweet rides. Having opposable thumbs makes them excellent grease monkeys. Indeed, many car crooks have slept easy in their beds, knowing that they can quickly get rid of any evidence by monkeying around with the primates.

However, if you are lucky enough to pay a visit to Monkey Jungle in Banana Bay, you could be in for a treat, as the monkey mechanics there have gone one step further by offering their customers a range of custom built baboon saloon cars. Each car off the production line will be unique in every way, depending upon the vehicle the parts were originally swiped from.

If a custom built baboon saloon is not for you, the apes are offering another alternative. They will (using their monkey mates’ monkey wrenches and monkey nuts) chimp your ride.

So, whether you fancy a brand new baboon saloon or you prefer to have the apes chimp your ride, having a monkey’ed up motor will make you king of the jungle.

 

The three little pigs are wanted by the law

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 3, 2014 at 12:23 pm

The three little piggies wanted by the cops

In a story reminiscent of the age-old fairy tale, three little Vietnamese pot bellied pigs have escaped from a farm in Southampton, England and are currently running amok within the city.

It would seem that a domestic dispute amongst the pigs owners lead to some swine leaving the pigs’ pen open and the three porkers took this as their cue to hit the road.

A spokesperson for the RSPCP said, “It’s a nightmare, as soon as they were free they split up. One little pig went to market, while another headed to town, while the third went off to look for some roast beef. They keep running into the roads, causing chaos with the traffic. We cannot have pigs in the city… at least not real ones.”

Hopefully, the pigs will be rounded up soon. Workers on the farm are preparing for their return, making each of them a new pen.

“We have spared no expense. We have used wood, brick and straw, materials they are already familiar with. They will be really impressed by their new accommodation. They should be as happy as pigs in shit in there. We just need a big bad wolf now to huff and puff and make them cry ‘wee, wee, wee’ all the way home.

The police are urging the public to get involved in the hunt and ask to be contacted should any pig be sighted. However they are advising people to be careful how they report the news to the emergency services operators.

“Obviously using the word ‘pig’ in front of a police officer won’t go down too well,” admitted Chief Constable Bobby Deskman, “In fact if you mentioned the word ’pig’ to  our operators they are liable to put the phone down on you. So, I suggest that anyone spotting any of these fugitive bacon makers should refer to them as the ‘pork chops’ or the ‘rasher dashers’ or something similar that won’t offend the pigs… um… I mean the police.”


Miserable moggy’s a suicide bomber

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews, World on February 8, 2014 at 12:44 pm

Colin in his home made suicide bomber vest

In a shocking story, we hear of the sad tale of an 8 year old cat called Colin, who tried to commit suicide on Feline Facebook last night.

The miserable moggy had lost his purr, gone mangy and had begun to smell a bit like pee and so he decided to end his miserable life by killing himself. Having watched too many episodes of Itchy & Scratchy on the Simpsons, he concluded the best way to kill a cat like himself was to blow himself up. So Colin studied suicide bombers and made himself a suicide bomber vest, complete with several sticks of dynamite.

Maybe it was because he had no guts, maybe it was because he had no thumbs, maybe no one on Feline Facebook cared but Colin’s suicide bid failed just moments before he detonated his vest because a little old lady picked him up and dropped him into a wheelie bin.

Unrepentant, Colin has vowed to try to kill himself again. “I have nine lives to try to get this right,” mewed the petulant puss. “I will keep trying until I get to end all of them. I’m gonna make their fur fly”

If you are a cat contemplating suicide, please don’t. You are a very much loved member of society and we luff you. Suicide is not painless and it leaves behind a big mess.

%d bloggers like this: