yarpnews

Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Lady Gaga shows her Bean Face

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on May 24, 2014 at 12:45 pm

 

Lady Gaga shows her new Bean Face

Last night, pop star Lady Gaga once again shocked the world by wearing a Mr Bean inspired look to her local supermarket. The poker face pop star is well known for her unique fashion sense having controversially worn a meat bikini on the cover of Vogue Hommes Japan and a meat dress at the MTV Video Music Awards last year. Critics however, are warning that this time Lady Gaga has taken things a little too far.

“Lately, Lady Gaga has been having a hard time keeping her act ‘over the top,’” said Fashion Critic, Chase Infame (54). “Wearing a dress made out of cuts of dead cows is offensive enough but with this outfit she is, even by her own standards, taking a bit of a fashion risk. Mr Bean is a well loved TV character and parodying him is bound to cause a stir. She is in danger of offending many of Mr Bean’s fans.”

Indeed, Lady Gaga’s own fans will be left wondering what she has meant by this latest fashion statement.

“Maybe her new Bean Face is her way of saying she is as naive and gormless as Mr Bean,” suggested Chase Infame, “Or perhaps she is trying to apologise for her meat inspired outfits – I mean a bean is a vegetable after all.”

Clowns – responsible for terrifying the shit out of everyone

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on May 7, 2014 at 11:44 am

At last, police capture the clown

The scourge of modern society, that has for years terrorized small children and adults alike, has at last been taken off our streets.

Following a series of dawn raids, the residents of Smileyberg, Illinois will be able to rest easy in their beds tonight. Because last night, the town’s Mayor, Buster Parade declared that being a clown was illegal and following his declaration, every clown, jester and circus fool in the area was rounded up and arrested.

The raids appear to have been triggered after some clown reportedly gave Mr Parade ‘the bird’. Mr Parade was then heard to say: /span>

“They must be joking if those red nosed bastards think they can keep getting away with this.” /span>

Following Mr Parades orders the police raided circus tents, parties, play grounds, children’s hospitals, fast food establishments, bars, strip clubs, homeless shelters and congress – anywhere you would expect to find a clown.

For some, the raids couldn’t come too soon.  There is growing evidence that clowns are not just leering freaks with abnormally big feet, but they are also responsible for a string of horrific murders as well as being a contributing factor to the nation’s increasing obesity.

With a cry of “Stop terrifying the shit out of everyone!” The police rounded up all clowns, all clown supporters and anyone who was wearing too much make-up. The raids were successful as the Police managed to round up over 50 clowns, however several did escape in a wonky car, with one making a get-away on a tiny bike.

When twerking stops working

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment, Naughty Yarpnews on January 13, 2014 at 3:40 am
Image

Deflated, Smiley’s career went pop.

In a career filled with ups and downs it has recently been announced that American pop singer and one time cartoon kid, Smiley Flatass has run out of talent. Once noted for her ability to walk and talk at the same time, living doll, Smiley has left her fans feeling more than a little flat.

It seems that no one was impressed by her skill for warbling a tune; so poor old Ms Flatass turned to wobbling the cheeks of her backside to get attention.

“She used to be great, all perky, and you know bouncy,” commented one super fan. “But when she got older she stopped appealing to the kids. She couldn’t get gigs. She needed to make money so turned to twerking. To be honest, it wasn’t pretty.”

Unfortunately, as her name implies, Smiley Flatass, has a flat ass. So instead of shaking her booty bits she ended up thrusting her bony behind at any hapless passer-by. The twerking wasn’t working. Even offering a free foam finger with every twerk didn’t work. Not that it wasn’t getting her attention – just the wrong sort.

One fateful night things went from bad to worse.

“At first I thought she was showing me a place to park my bike,” said a man who wished to remain nameless but went under the pseudonym, ‘Thick Rob’. “I was like walking along, singing my wife’s favourite song, when Ms Flatass rubbed up against me. She was all open mouth and foam finger. It was a real let down, she was squeaky and flat and felt very plastic.”

After that Smiley’s career seemed to puncture, with critics asking ‘had she let herself down?’ What was clear was she couldn’t go any lower – or could she? Out of talent and out of gas, poor old Smiley Flatass deflated and wound up in the gutter.

Her management have since announced that they hope to re-inflate her career with the help of band aid.

Have you seen the invisible man?

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment, Science/tech on January 5, 2014 at 2:36 pm

Photo of the Invisble Man and friend taken early last year

It would appear that the real Invisible Man has disappeared.

The popular actor and performer, best known for his roles as “See-thru Steve” in the comedy Dude Where’s my Body and “Where’s He Gone Wayne” in the film The Vanishing, was last heard of before Christmas. Worried neighbors called the cops after realizing that they had last seen the celebrity (or at least signs that his mail was being collected) just before Christmas Eve.

The police have conducted a thorough search of the Invisible Man’s property, but there has been no sign of him. A spokesman for the police said “It is very difficult to look for someone you cannot see. He could be lying injured somewhere and we wouldn’t know unless we literally tripped over him.”

“There has been no sign of the Man for a few weeks now and quite frankly we are getting worried. We would urge the public to keep an eye out for this guy. If you see, feel or smell anything suspicious please report it.”

Friends and neighbors of the Invisible Man are currently trying to organize a search party.

“We welcome any help with the hunt,” said nosey neighbor Lizzy Busybodi. “We are arming ourselves with bags of flour and powdered paint so that we can chuck it anywhere he might be.”

Where the invisible man is and what he has been up to remains a mystery, hopefully all will be transparent upon his return.

First baby born in 2014 is a freaking miracle

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on January 1, 2014 at 9:00 am

Octivia

Octomom, Nadia Silywoman has been at it again. This time however instead of giving birth to eight babies with two eyes each, she has given birth to one baby with eight eyes. Beautiful bouncing baby Octivia was born a stroke after midnight on January 1st 2014. Apart from having eight eyes, the baby is doing very well. Mother is said to be very proud and is busy planning the little girl’s future.

“Oh my gosh,” gushed the new Mom. “I am sooooo into the number eight, so this is crazy, I can’t wait to tell Oprah all about it.”

There have been calls however from irate Octomom watchers who say that this time she has gone too far with the fertility drugs.

“What is she doing? Next we will have an eight-legged one and then an eight headed one. When is this going to stop?” cried Ms Sillywoman’s fertility doctor, Dr Jonathan Babymaker.

No time soon if Octomom has her way.

Elves threaten Christmas Eve strike

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment, World on December 17, 2013 at 1:32 pm

Santa is too busy eating and drinking to care about the impending elf strike

Rumblings of dissatisfaction can be heard as far away as the North Pole today as the elves in Santa’s Workshop are threatening a Christmas Eve strike.

Apparently the elves are unhappy about the increasing number of gnomes being drafted in to help make toys. “The big nosed bastards are taking our jobs,” squeaked Teeny Weeny, spokeself for the two unions Elf and Safety and father of nine, “We have many mouths to feed – the gnomes must go home.”

In their defense, the gnomes are claiming unfair discrimination and demanding equal rights. “They are being so elfish,” moaned Jolly Buttons spokesgnome and father of 12. “We gnomes are just standing up for our rights. We wouldn’t be here if the mines hadn’t gone bust. We miner-orities have just as much right to earn a living as every one elf does. We only have short term contracts that are written in pixie dust, so I don’t see what the elves are complaining about.“

Santa Claus himself has refused to comment, but rumors are rife around the grotto that he has threatened any elf who strikes with the sack.

But it appears that the elves are not taking any threats seriously. “Santa, hah!’ cried Teeny Weeny. “He’s away with the fairies. When he’s not checking his list he’s eating. I personally think he may be bi-polar. One minute he’s up, one minute he’s down, one minute he’s in the North Pole, the next he’s in the South. You get what I mean? “

Fortunately, with the recent rise in bad kids appearing on the naughty list there is a marked downturn in toy requirements this year and so if the proposed strike does go ahead it may not even be noticed.

It’s official: laughing makes you sick

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment, Science/tech on July 13, 2011 at 10:10 am

Laughing can seriously damage your health

Have you got too many wrinkles? Is your belly flabby? Does your throat get sore? If the answer to all three is a resounding ‘yes’, then you could be suffering from too much happiness.

It’s a proven fact that over exertion of the laughing muscles creases the skin around your eyes, causes the belly to wobble and the constant stress of giggling can harm your throat. All of which is irreversible and seriously detrimental to your health.

Leading Scientist, Professor Peter Enis said “Although laughing makes you popular with your friends it can also make you look like a wrinkled old bullock with a voice like screeching Welsh songtress Bonnie Tyler’s.”

So think twice the next time you laugh because your friends may just be laughing at the sight and sound of your putrefied wheezing flesh, rather than your witty repartee.

The latest advice is to follow the example celebrity’s such as English footballer David Beckham’s  wife, Victoria ‘Posh’ Beckham and remain at all times as po-faced as possible.

So, the next time someone near you cracks a joke, punch them. And while you reside at Her Majesty’s pleasure, you can remain smug in the knowledge that your eyes are wrinkle free, stomach taut and your throat eased and rested.

%d bloggers like this: