Archive for the ‘Naughty Yarpnews’ Category

Kim and penis-pillow shocker

In Crazy YarpNews, Naughty Yarpnews on June 2, 2014 at 12:13 pm
Kim Pillow

Kim Pillow

Shocking news just in: Everyone’s favourite curvy girl, Mrs Kim Kardashian-West has not launched a new range of home furnishings based on her striking silhouette.

There was no launch party at LA’s famous Opera nightclub and among those who did not attend were illustrious A-listers such as Cameron Diaz, Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert Downey Jr.  Paris Hilton was also not invited.

A spokesperson for the ‘Kim-me Hug-me’ pillow was not available for comment, but a non-spokesperson did admit that the similarity between the two was ‘terrifying’. While another said “I want to burn my eyes out.”

Controversy is rife with many people turning to social media to say, ‘WTF! I am so confused!’  What is clear is that whether the famous for being famous, Kardashian clan have cashed in on the unbelievable figure of their most well-known off-spring, or not, Kim does look like a penis-shaped pillow.

One observer said “It’s undeniable that Kim looks like a penis-shaped pillow. But I ask you which came first, Kim or the penis thing? It has to be coincidental, that or someone’s guilty of over stuffing.”

Another cock and ball story brought to you by Yarpnews.


Builder sacked for not showing his arse crack

In Crazy YarpNews, Naughty Yarpnews on February 26, 2014 at 1:44 pm

Builder’s bum – a reputable building firm cannot exist without one

Well known building firm, Gerry Builders, is in hot water this week after sacking an employee because he bought a belt.

Ex-builder Sandy Plank (24) is claiming unfair dismissal after Tom Gerry, owner of Gerry Builders fired him because he was no longer fit for purpose and failed to live up to his job description.

“We have to have at least one employee with a builder’s bum in order to be seen as a credible building firm – to go without one goes against all the building codes and regulations. I explained this all to Sandy and asked him to take off his belt, but he wouldn’t. I offered him the position as the cowboy builder, but he said he didn’t like the hat.  He wouldn’t wear the hat and he wouldn’t let his behind hang out, so I had to let him go. I have the company’s reputation to think of.”

“We had to fire him,” Tom Gerry told the Industrial Tribunal. “As a reputable building firm we employ a team of tradesmen including a plumber, builder, carpenter, electrician and a fat, tea swilling, chip butty eating bloke whose arse hangs out of his trousers. Our plumber plumbs, our builder builds and it was Sandy’s job to show his crack.

When twerking stops working

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment, Naughty Yarpnews on January 13, 2014 at 3:40 am

Deflated, Smiley’s career went pop.

In a career filled with ups and downs it has recently been announced that American pop singer and one time cartoon kid, Smiley Flatass has run out of talent. Once noted for her ability to walk and talk at the same time, living doll, Smiley has left her fans feeling more than a little flat.

It seems that no one was impressed by her skill for warbling a tune; so poor old Ms Flatass turned to wobbling the cheeks of her backside to get attention.

“She used to be great, all perky, and you know bouncy,” commented one super fan. “But when she got older she stopped appealing to the kids. She couldn’t get gigs. She needed to make money so turned to twerking. To be honest, it wasn’t pretty.”

Unfortunately, as her name implies, Smiley Flatass, has a flat ass. So instead of shaking her booty bits she ended up thrusting her bony behind at any hapless passer-by. The twerking wasn’t working. Even offering a free foam finger with every twerk didn’t work. Not that it wasn’t getting her attention – just the wrong sort.

One fateful night things went from bad to worse.

“At first I thought she was showing me a place to park my bike,” said a man who wished to remain nameless but went under the pseudonym, ‘Thick Rob’. “I was like walking along, singing my wife’s favourite song, when Ms Flatass rubbed up against me. She was all open mouth and foam finger. It was a real let down, she was squeaky and flat and felt very plastic.”

After that Smiley’s career seemed to puncture, with critics asking ‘had she let herself down?’ What was clear was she couldn’t go any lower – or could she? Out of talent and out of gas, poor old Smiley Flatass deflated and wound up in the gutter.

Her management have since announced that they hope to re-inflate her career with the help of band aid.

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