Archive for the ‘Crazy YarpNews’ Category

Lady Gaga shows her Bean Face

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on May 24, 2014 at 12:45 pm


Lady Gaga shows her new Bean Face

Last night, pop star Lady Gaga once again shocked the world by wearing a Mr Bean inspired look to her local supermarket. The poker face pop star is well known for her unique fashion sense having controversially worn a meat bikini on the cover of Vogue Hommes Japan and a meat dress at the MTV Video Music Awards last year. Critics however, are warning that this time Lady Gaga has taken things a little too far.

“Lately, Lady Gaga has been having a hard time keeping her act ‘over the top,’” said Fashion Critic, Chase Infame (54). “Wearing a dress made out of cuts of dead cows is offensive enough but with this outfit she is, even by her own standards, taking a bit of a fashion risk. Mr Bean is a well loved TV character and parodying him is bound to cause a stir. She is in danger of offending many of Mr Bean’s fans.”

Indeed, Lady Gaga’s own fans will be left wondering what she has meant by this latest fashion statement.

“Maybe her new Bean Face is her way of saying she is as naive and gormless as Mr Bean,” suggested Chase Infame, “Or perhaps she is trying to apologise for her meat inspired outfits – I mean a bean is a vegetable after all.”

Ford’s new concept car The Confusion is driving people crazy

In Crazy YarpNews on May 21, 2014 at 1:49 pm

Push me, pull you – The Ford Confusion

This morning, in a magnificent ceremony held behind Debbie’s Donner Kebab’s in Scunthorpe, Ford launched their new concept car, The Confusion.

Although the all-new Confusion doesn’t look radically different from other cars, it has significant improvements in terms of fuel economy, seat belt length and interior carpeting. The cleverly evolved design gives the Confusion a fresh, masculine appearance, and yet it retains its unmistakably classic character. The concept is to give drivers a sense of security while confusing the hell out of car jackers, cops, traffic wardens and tailgaters. The spacious interior is designed to comfortably seat four, but with a bit of a squeeze you could maybe fit in three extra old people plus a dog.

Sharing the same bold, inspired look and power ability as a twelve speed Raleigh Shopper, the new Confusion also comes with Fords all-wheel drive system which, thanks to a handily located steering wheel, allows you to turn the car to the right as well as left.

Other advanced features like adaptive controls, lighting, keys and a windshield give the Confusion sideways driving ability. This unique feature helps the driver to avoid tight parallel parking spots forever. Going forward has become the new drifting sideways and drifting sideways has become the new driving forward.

If you love staring out of the window at the houses you pass by and you’re interested in standing out from the crowd, buy a new Confusion. You’d be an idiot not to.

The Ford Confusion, a smart car driven by an idiot.

Is there something dodgy about a moustache?

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 18, 2014 at 1:01 pm

Moustaches – good, bad or ugly?

As everyone knows a moustache or mustache is a bit of hair that is usually found perched on the wearer’s top lip, growing just below their nose. Some people hate the scrubby piece of facial fuzz, claiming it is unhygienic and that the wearer must have something to hide. Other’s love their mouth brow so much that they enter competitions to see if they can win the ‘loveliest lip rug’ award. Whether you love them or hate them, have you ever wondered what a moustache says about its wearer?

Well the students at Tash City University in Hairy Lip, Virginia, were very interested in discovering who the snot mop supporters were and after ten years of research, they can finally publicise their findings… which are very interesting indeed.

It turns out that moustache wearers tend to come in two distinct categories: either you are a dodgy tash wearing criminal or a proud member of law enforcement with facial fuzz. The study found that the other few percent of moustache wearers were either gay men or little old ladies.

“It’s really odd,” admitted Professor Les Shavin, “in the majority of cases, a man who wears a moustache is either serving the law or is about to break it. It does make you wonder about the idea that a moustache acts as some kind of disguise, as it would work in both cases. I mean, either you are hiding from the law or you are hiding the fact that you are the law. It is a really fascinating way to look at whisker wearers.”

Online Graphing

GREEN = Criminals and ex-cons. RED = People involved in law enforcement. BLUE= Gay men. YELLOW = Little old ladies.

Now his study is complete, Professor Shavin is hoping to go on to study the correlation between hair on the top lip and that on the rest of the body.

“We are really looking forward to probing the depths to discover if men with mouth brows are generally hairier all over. You know, whether their tash is an indication that they also have hairy backs, noses, ears, bum cracks, that sort of thing. Our research will certainly be hair raising”

Alive! – The incredible story of one shipwreck survivor

In Crazy YarpNews, World on May 15, 2014 at 12:46 pm

Phil Meegut on board HMS Fat Guy

When his ship the SS Fat Guy went down in heavy seas off the coast of India, everyone feared that Captain Phil Meegut and his crew of ten men had all drowned. So imagine the surprise and delight of six fishermen who discovered the castaway Captain, struggling to survive on a tiny deserted island almost two years after his ship was lost at sea.

“We sail passed island on our way home,” explained Fillipino Fisherman Eet Chikunfeet (29). “Someone say, ‘what that’ and point to big pink man, sun bathing on the beach. So we go pick him up.”

What is even more incredible in this almost unbelievable tale of survival is that unlike Tom Hank’s character in the movie Cast Away, who got really skinny and ended up talking to a volley ball, Captain Meegut was in great spirits.

“You really have to marvel at his ability to survive,” said Coast Guard Commander Gail Force (39). “He put all his skills down to Bear Grylls, apparently he saw one episode of Man vs Wild on the Discovery Channel just before his fateful trip.  It’s absolutely incredible what he learned considering the island he was found on is basically a rock with a couple of palm trees on it. He was so successful at finding food that he gained 150 pounds during his ordeal.”

It is believed that the entire crew of the SS Fat Guy originally managed to make it to the island and their clothes and personal possessions have been found in a pile under a palm tree. However the current whereabouts of the ten-man crew remains a mystery. Someone asked Captain Phil Meegut what happened to the rest of his crew, but he just burped and muttered something about indigestion.

Rare species of shark spotted off the coast of Devon

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on May 12, 2014 at 1:47 pm

Rare sighting of manko shark

A British couple were in for a shock yesterday tea time when a Manko Shark swam just metres from the shore at Insewage in Devon.

“I was about to go in for a paddle when up it popped,” explained father of seven and full time invalidity benefit collector, Rob Yamoma (29). “I could tell it was aggressive, just by the evil look it was giving my Mrs.  I ran about shouting ‘SHARK!’  and I am sure I scared it off. I probably saved a lot of lives today.”

Rob Yamoma’s companion and baby moma, Dizzy Bird (25) added, “Me and Rob were alone on the beach when this flipping great shark reared up out of the water, straight in front of us. It scared the pants off me… It frightened Rob so much he started crying.”

Experts identified the creature as an endangered manko, which although potentially dangerous, is not known to have attacked anyone in British waters. Mankos are one of the fastest and most agile of sharks, capable of jumping fully out of the water.

Cliff Walker (37) from the Seaside Trust, who saw the creature, said he thought the animal may have been injured.

“It was behaving oddly, on occasions it almost beached itself and I got the impression it was not well. This species sometimes visits the Devon coastline, although it does not usually venture so close to the shore.”

Insewage Beach was open today but officials are advising swimmers to remain cautious.

“No-one should be concerned,” continued Mr Walker. “Attacks around here are almost unheard of, so if anyone else gets bitten it wouldn’t be the first time.”

The manko can be found in very small numbers all over the world. It mostly eats fish and chips and peas with plenty of salt, vinegar and red sauce.

19½ lip smacking facts about kissing

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 9, 2014 at 12:04 pm


Pucker Up!

Smooch, snog, peck, smacker, canoodle, tonsil hockey, necking… whatever you call it, being as it’s Valentine’s Day it will come as no surprise to read that our thoughts have wandered to that ultimate fat free way of having fun – kissing!

*The Romans started it all. They were the first to use the kiss the way that we know it today. They were particularly fond of the savium – the ancient Roman equivalent of the French kiss.

*Kissing doesn’t come naturally to humans. There are many cultures that had never kissed until the Europeans arrived and showed them how. It was their custom to rub or press noses (what we call ‘Eskimo’ kissing).

*In 2005, Australian men voted kissing as their 19th ‘favourite thing to do with a lover’. Watching football, visiting the in-laws and going to the toilet all ranked higher.

*During an average lifetime we spend about two weeks kissing.

*In 1802, a French couple achieved worldwide fame after their tongues became entangled during a passionate kiss. Since then, a full on kiss, with tongues has been called a French kiss (or a wet one).

*Our brains are equipped with neurons that can help us to find our lover’s lips in the dark.

*Indiana, in the USA, has a law that makes it illegal for a man with a moustache to ‘habitually kiss human beings.’

*The science of kissing is called philematology.

*In 1233, it was common for a Catholic congregation to line up and kiss their Bishop’s bare buttocks; this custom was the origin of the colloquial saying, “kiss my arse”.

*Kissing causes the brain to produce oxytocin, which is otherwise known as the ‘feel good’ hormone. Not only does this amazing hormone make you feel warm and fuzzy, it also makes you want to come back for more. Oxytocin is also present in chocolate and this may explain why we like the taste of it so much. Like kisses, one is never enough!

*In Connecticut, USA it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on a Sunday.

*A passionate kiss uses all 34 facial muscles and burns 26 calories.

*In Cedar Rapids, Iowa it is illegal to kiss a stranger.

*Between 10 million and one billion colonies of bacteria are swapped in each snog.

*Kissing a frog was a common practice amongst ancient Amazonian tribes. Certain frogs secrete hallucinogenic chemicals that make whoever you look at appear extremely attractive (in the same way that beer-goggles work). Perhaps there is some truth in the fairy tale of kissing a frog to find a prince?

*Bonobo Monkeys (a type of chimpanzee) are the only other animals that kiss each other on the mouth – they are also the only other animal to have sex in the missionary position.

*The Mexican City of Guanajuato has declared itself the ‘Capital of the Kiss’. It even has a ‘Kissing Alley’, where a smooch is believed to bring good luck.

*In Naples, Italy in the 16th century, kissing was an offence that carried the death penalty.

*The Roman author and philosopher, Pliny the Elder recommends ‘Kissing the hairy nose of a mule’ as an excellent way to cure the common cold.

*In London, New York, Paris and other similar cities it is actually illegal to kiss your boss during working hours – although, it is not illegal to kiss their arse.

Clowns – responsible for terrifying the shit out of everyone

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on May 7, 2014 at 11:44 am

At last, police capture the clown

The scourge of modern society, that has for years terrorized small children and adults alike, has at last been taken off our streets.

Following a series of dawn raids, the residents of Smileyberg, Illinois will be able to rest easy in their beds tonight. Because last night, the town’s Mayor, Buster Parade declared that being a clown was illegal and following his declaration, every clown, jester and circus fool in the area was rounded up and arrested.

The raids appear to have been triggered after some clown reportedly gave Mr Parade ‘the bird’. Mr Parade was then heard to say: /span>

“They must be joking if those red nosed bastards think they can keep getting away with this.” /span>

Following Mr Parades orders the police raided circus tents, parties, play grounds, children’s hospitals, fast food establishments, bars, strip clubs, homeless shelters and congress – anywhere you would expect to find a clown.

For some, the raids couldn’t come too soon.  There is growing evidence that clowns are not just leering freaks with abnormally big feet, but they are also responsible for a string of horrific murders as well as being a contributing factor to the nation’s increasing obesity.

With a cry of “Stop terrifying the shit out of everyone!” The police rounded up all clowns, all clown supporters and anyone who was wearing too much make-up. The raids were successful as the Police managed to round up over 50 clowns, however several did escape in a wonky car, with one making a get-away on a tiny bike.

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