Archive for the ‘Science/tech’ Category

Hospital blunder gives growth hormone to back pain sufferer

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 27, 2014 at 4:20 pm

There’s something seriously wrong here!

Having spent six months in hospital after a serious back operation, Mr Ben Dover was looking forward to returning home to his family.

Unfortunately, instead of being administering a standard course of anti-inflammatory treatment, Mr Dover was given the wrong tablets, ones commonly used to help children with growth difficulties.

The hospital gaff was only noticed when Mr Dover could no longer fit into his hospital bed. It was then that hospital staff realised Mr Dover was at least two feet taller.

Mr Dover’s family are considering numerous ideas to help him with his unfortunate predicament. Ideas range from moving to Holland (where the average person’s height is well over six foot) to converting a church into a home so that Mr Dover can stand up at the ‘pointy’ end.

Mr Dover’s wife Eileen has hastily erected a large marquee in their back garden, so Mr Dover will at least have a roof over his head, even if it is a temporary one.

Mr Ben ‘lanky, streak of piss’ Dover has admitted that he quite likes his new found height and is currently awaiting trials for the N.B.A team the L.A Lakers. Proud wife, Mrs Eileen Dover said, “At least his height helps him with his favourite hobbies. He loves hand feeding giraffes, apple picking, collecting cats from high trees and looking into high windows late at night.”

Is there something dodgy about a moustache?

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 18, 2014 at 1:01 pm

Moustaches – good, bad or ugly?

As everyone knows a moustache or mustache is a bit of hair that is usually found perched on the wearer’s top lip, growing just below their nose. Some people hate the scrubby piece of facial fuzz, claiming it is unhygienic and that the wearer must have something to hide. Other’s love their mouth brow so much that they enter competitions to see if they can win the ‘loveliest lip rug’ award. Whether you love them or hate them, have you ever wondered what a moustache says about its wearer?

Well the students at Tash City University in Hairy Lip, Virginia, were very interested in discovering who the snot mop supporters were and after ten years of research, they can finally publicise their findings… which are very interesting indeed.

It turns out that moustache wearers tend to come in two distinct categories: either you are a dodgy tash wearing criminal or a proud member of law enforcement with facial fuzz. The study found that the other few percent of moustache wearers were either gay men or little old ladies.

“It’s really odd,” admitted Professor Les Shavin, “in the majority of cases, a man who wears a moustache is either serving the law or is about to break it. It does make you wonder about the idea that a moustache acts as some kind of disguise, as it would work in both cases. I mean, either you are hiding from the law or you are hiding the fact that you are the law. It is a really fascinating way to look at whisker wearers.”

Online Graphing

GREEN = Criminals and ex-cons. RED = People involved in law enforcement. BLUE= Gay men. YELLOW = Little old ladies.

Now his study is complete, Professor Shavin is hoping to go on to study the correlation between hair on the top lip and that on the rest of the body.

“We are really looking forward to probing the depths to discover if men with mouth brows are generally hairier all over. You know, whether their tash is an indication that they also have hairy backs, noses, ears, bum cracks, that sort of thing. Our research will certainly be hair raising”

19½ lip smacking facts about kissing

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 9, 2014 at 12:04 pm


Pucker Up!

Smooch, snog, peck, smacker, canoodle, tonsil hockey, necking… whatever you call it, being as it’s Valentine’s Day it will come as no surprise to read that our thoughts have wandered to that ultimate fat free way of having fun – kissing!

*The Romans started it all. They were the first to use the kiss the way that we know it today. They were particularly fond of the savium – the ancient Roman equivalent of the French kiss.

*Kissing doesn’t come naturally to humans. There are many cultures that had never kissed until the Europeans arrived and showed them how. It was their custom to rub or press noses (what we call ‘Eskimo’ kissing).

*In 2005, Australian men voted kissing as their 19th ‘favourite thing to do with a lover’. Watching football, visiting the in-laws and going to the toilet all ranked higher.

*During an average lifetime we spend about two weeks kissing.

*In 1802, a French couple achieved worldwide fame after their tongues became entangled during a passionate kiss. Since then, a full on kiss, with tongues has been called a French kiss (or a wet one).

*Our brains are equipped with neurons that can help us to find our lover’s lips in the dark.

*Indiana, in the USA, has a law that makes it illegal for a man with a moustache to ‘habitually kiss human beings.’

*The science of kissing is called philematology.

*In 1233, it was common for a Catholic congregation to line up and kiss their Bishop’s bare buttocks; this custom was the origin of the colloquial saying, “kiss my arse”.

*Kissing causes the brain to produce oxytocin, which is otherwise known as the ‘feel good’ hormone. Not only does this amazing hormone make you feel warm and fuzzy, it also makes you want to come back for more. Oxytocin is also present in chocolate and this may explain why we like the taste of it so much. Like kisses, one is never enough!

*In Connecticut, USA it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on a Sunday.

*A passionate kiss uses all 34 facial muscles and burns 26 calories.

*In Cedar Rapids, Iowa it is illegal to kiss a stranger.

*Between 10 million and one billion colonies of bacteria are swapped in each snog.

*Kissing a frog was a common practice amongst ancient Amazonian tribes. Certain frogs secrete hallucinogenic chemicals that make whoever you look at appear extremely attractive (in the same way that beer-goggles work). Perhaps there is some truth in the fairy tale of kissing a frog to find a prince?

*Bonobo Monkeys (a type of chimpanzee) are the only other animals that kiss each other on the mouth – they are also the only other animal to have sex in the missionary position.

*The Mexican City of Guanajuato has declared itself the ‘Capital of the Kiss’. It even has a ‘Kissing Alley’, where a smooch is believed to bring good luck.

*In Naples, Italy in the 16th century, kissing was an offence that carried the death penalty.

*The Roman author and philosopher, Pliny the Elder recommends ‘Kissing the hairy nose of a mule’ as an excellent way to cure the common cold.

*In London, New York, Paris and other similar cities it is actually illegal to kiss your boss during working hours – although, it is not illegal to kiss their arse.

Ear-gasm – the orgasm for your ear

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 5, 2014 at 1:07 pm

Picking you ear may not be the most romantic of moves, but for many Vietnamese a good bit of probing in the ear department is a popular pastime that can elicit moans of pure pleasure. Why? Because the Vietnamese know an age-old secret – your ear has a G-spot and if it’s poked and tickled in just the right way… well let’s just say ‘hang on to your socks.’

Now, sticking things in your ear is never recommended, one slip and you could end up damaging something important like your ear drum, leaving you moaning in pain rather than ecstasy. However, for the highly trained girls and boys of the Hoc Tocs (the barber-like shops) in Vietnam, ear picking is an art. So much so that a good ear picker will gather quite a following.

Popular ear pickers will have men and women lining up around the block to experience their unorthodox probing. Using delicate metal scoops and tiny tweezers, the ear pickers will carefully clean inside their customer’s ears. As well as removing ear wax, their probing tickles a delicate spot near the ear drum. For some people it feels like a tickle, but for others it is akin to great sex. It is not unknown for people to experience what can only be described as ‘ear-gasms’. That may explain why some Vietnamese men don’t tell their wives when they pop out for some ear picking.

So, the next time you want to playfully lick your finger and stick it in your friend’s ear, just think, you may be giving him more than a wet willy!

The rubber gimp boot hat is back!

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on March 9, 2014 at 11:08 am

The stylish rubber gimp boot hat

Fans of the rubber gimp boot hat will be pleased to hear that it is making a come back.

Originally popular in the 1950s, the squeaky, smelly headgear soon fell out of favour, with many people preferring to wear a nice bobble hat to keep their heads warm. However, the recent freak weather conditions, which dumped snow all over the northern hemisphere has seen people reaching for the fashion favourite once again.

Practical and stylish, the rubber gimp boot hat not only keeps your head dry but it will also come in handy should you slip in the snow because the clever in-built ‘tread’ pattern located at the top of the hat acts as a buffer that is designed to protect your head.

One fan, Ivor Fetish, explained why he likes wearing rubber gimp boot hats. He said: “Ish shust luff itch, itches shuu shekshy.” Unfortunately Mr Fetish was wearing his boot hat at the time.

Rubber gimp boot hats come in a range of sizes and designs. If you are lucky, you will be able to participate in the bargain of the century as most shops are currently selling two rubber gimp hats for the price of one.

Revolutionary new slimming aid shrinks your head

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on February 21, 2014 at 5:12 pm

Eucaneatitol could prove popular with fat heads

Scientists have this week released the first results of clinical trials to test a new weight loss formula called ‘Eucaneatitol’. Eucaneatitol is revolutionary in that it is said to completely burn fat within a few days, making you instantly slimmer without you having to lift a finger.

However the potion, made from an intricate blend of rare cactus extract, royal jelly, mung beans, soy milk and hemorrhoid ointment doesn’t come without controversy. There are a few side effects, such as heart palpitations, breathing problems and headaches, but the main drawback is that so far it seems to only work on people’s heads.

“Well, it’s a start” shrugged Professor of Nutrition Lou Swaite from Lick Fork University. “Hopefully, long term use will see the effect work its way down the body.”

Despite this minor setback Professor Swaite and his colleagues are looking forward to launching Eucaneatitol on the market.

“I know having a pea sized head isn’t for everyone,” confessed Professor Swaite. “But on the plus side it means your mouth is a lot smaller, so you can’t eat that much and we think that will prove popular to some people. Also, tests have proven that it can reduce cholesterol, which everyone knows is a killer. So if all these factors don’t lead to Eucaneatitol being used as a slimming aid, we are sure that we can sell it to people with fat heads.”

Call the cops, my snowman is missing!

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech, World on February 13, 2014 at 3:04 pm
Where's my snowman gone?

Where’s my snowman gone?

It is terrible, but it’s true. Some thieving bastard has stolen a snowman right from outside its owner’s house. The distraught owner who wishes to remain anonymous, so we will call her Miss Nelly Shenko was so upset by the theft that she called the emergency services.

Unfortunately, even though the snowman had pound coins for his eyes and teaspoons for arms, the police remained uninterested in the theft.

“I ain’t being funny,” said Miss Shenko “I just thought that with it being icy out there and there not being anybody about, he’d be safe. It ain’t a nice road, but at the end of the day you don’t expect someone to nick your snowman.”

This snowman theft is the latest in a long line of random thefts that the police have had no interest in. So far a puddle that was recently stolen from the same area has not been recovered nor has a hole in a donut that went missing from Barry’s Burger Bar on the High Street at around 2.15pm last Wednesday.

Police have not warned the public to remain vigilant and have not asked for any witnesses to come forward. Typical!

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