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Archive for the ‘World’ Category

Have you spotted the lesser spotted Googly-Eyed Google bird?

In Crazy YarpNews, World on May 30, 2014 at 1:04 pm

Site of where the googly-eyed google bird was supposedly last spotted

Bird watchers all over Canada have gone a flutter today over the recent sighting of one of the rarest birds in the world. The Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed bird (sometimes referred to as a Google) is a very unusual bird indeed. With its bright orange, yellow and blue plumage and massive googly-eyes, you would think a bird like that would be easy to spot, but the Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed Google is a master of disguise. So, when the folks of Watchusaw, Canada had a hint that a Googly-Eyed Google bird may be in their neighbourhood, everyone was clucking with excitement.

Unfortunately, for all the crazy twitchers the sighting appears to have been someone’s idea of a sick joke, because no one in Canada has managed to confirm the sighting, let alone capture a photo.

“Shame aboot that, eh?” said Chief Constable, Head Chef and Lord Mayor of Watchusaw, Duncan Headinabowl. “Still, nothing interesting ever happens here in Canada, and so we are pleased that nothing has changed.”

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Alive! – The incredible story of one shipwreck survivor

In Crazy YarpNews, World on May 15, 2014 at 12:46 pm

Phil Meegut on board HMS Fat Guy

When his ship the SS Fat Guy went down in heavy seas off the coast of India, everyone feared that Captain Phil Meegut and his crew of ten men had all drowned. So imagine the surprise and delight of six fishermen who discovered the castaway Captain, struggling to survive on a tiny deserted island almost two years after his ship was lost at sea.

“We sail passed island on our way home,” explained Fillipino Fisherman Eet Chikunfeet (29). “Someone say, ‘what that’ and point to big pink man, sun bathing on the beach. So we go pick him up.”

What is even more incredible in this almost unbelievable tale of survival is that unlike Tom Hank’s character in the movie Cast Away, who got really skinny and ended up talking to a volley ball, Captain Meegut was in great spirits.

“You really have to marvel at his ability to survive,” said Coast Guard Commander Gail Force (39). “He put all his skills down to Bear Grylls, apparently he saw one episode of Man vs Wild on the Discovery Channel just before his fateful trip.  It’s absolutely incredible what he learned considering the island he was found on is basically a rock with a couple of palm trees on it. He was so successful at finding food that he gained 150 pounds during his ordeal.”

It is believed that the entire crew of the SS Fat Guy originally managed to make it to the island and their clothes and personal possessions have been found in a pile under a palm tree. However the current whereabouts of the ten-man crew remains a mystery. Someone asked Captain Phil Meegut what happened to the rest of his crew, but he just burped and muttered something about indigestion.

Mad Barber of Seville has bad hair days

In Crazy YarpNews, World on April 9, 2014 at 12:02 pm

Two of Mr Badairdos unfortunate victims

Police in Seville, Spain have today arrested a failed barber for breaking into people’s homes and cutting their hair while they slept.

Armando Badairdos (59) was considered such a bad barber that he had previously been banned from every barber shop and hairdressing salon in Seville. So he took to breaking and entering into people’s homes and practicing his hairdressing skills on his innocent victims while they lay asleep in their beds. The result was a tenfold spike in bad hair days.

“We believe that Senor Badairdos has been doing this for some time,” said police spokesman Nicalao Tabaddos. “The trouble is that when his victims woke up in the morning they put their crazy hair-dos down to bad bed hair. “

“Even if they had a clue, who would want to admit that they had hair done by a madman? If he had been better at styling hair he might have got away with it for longer.  He was a bad barber and an even worse hairdresser… but if you are going to cut people’s hair while they are asleep in their beds you have to expect to only have access to one side of their heads. People only really noticed when he started applying hair extensions. Everyone started waking up with a patch of hair that was much longer than when they first went to sleep. “

Vice President in mix up with President of Vice

In Crazy YarpNews, World on April 6, 2014 at 12:33 pm

 

Vice Captain or Captain of Vice?

Vice Captain or Captain of Vice?

The courier service PH Hell, have today admitted that they have may have mistakenly delivered a parcel to Joe Biden, Vice President, The White House, West Wing instead of its intended recipient Mr Blow Bigguns, President of Vice, The White Ho House, West Wind.

The embarrassing mix up came to light when King of porn, Mr Bigguns realized that he and his lovely ‘ho’s’ had not received their regular monthly order for a mixed assortment of rubber bondage wear, a box of adjustable nipple clamps, a gimp mask and a range of whips. Concerned about his lack of delivery Mr Bigguns contacted the courier service only to be told that the parcel had already been delivered to the White House.

“It seems the delivery driver is a little dyslexic, so it’s easy to see how the confusion came about,” laughed Mr Bigguns.

In his defense, delivery driver Don Stopping said, “It’s not easy to read addresses at the best of times, but the handwriting on this particular parcel was very shaky and hard to read. Also, the address was written in ink and it had rained so all the words were blurry. It’s not my fault I couldn’t read it properly. Besides, I have delivered hundreds of similar boxes there in the past, so I thought this one was meant to go there too – how was I to know it was meant for a porn king?”

Strangely enough, despite PH Hell admitting their error a White House spokesperson denies that the White House or anyone in Joe Biden’s office has received any parcels, let alone any full of kinky gear intended for a porn king.

Whatever the truth is we may never know, but if it didn’t reach The White Ho House and it didn’t get delivered to The White House, what did happen to Mr Bigguns’ missing parcel?

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Mr Bigguns box of sex toys, please contact the White House and let them know.

Save money on cheap flights by holding your breath

In Crazy YarpNews, World on March 27, 2014 at 12:04 pm

 

Smiling through the tears

Smiling through the tears

Skyan Air, the no thrills, low budget airline have come up with some very clever ways to save their customers even more money. Well known for charging nothing except a an itty-bitty $1 for a seat to the other side of the world (plus $5 seatbelt duty, $2 washroom fee, $10 for any item of hang luggage, $40 per suitcase, $16 per PB&J sandwich and apple lunch pack, $10 per mile flight tax, $50 runway tax, $100 airport tax, $30 fuel surcharge and $50 handling and administration fee per person). The Pound Shop of the air are now offering any flyers who can hold their breath, the chance to save money on their flight.

Willie Land, spokesmen for Skyan Air said, “As we all know fresh air is expensive – well at least the good stuff you can breathe is, and we don’t think it is fair to make those customers who use less air to pay as much, if not more than those who gulp it down, like its, um…air. Therefore, although we plan to continue giving all our customers free air, we are asking those who use more than the designated 12 breaths a minute to purchase a ‘breath pack’.

“Handily located above your head each ‘breath pack’ will fall from the ceiling whenever the airline feels you have exhausted your allocated breathing allowance. Each ‘breath pack’ costs only $50 and provides enough air to last the average person approximately one half hour. If, during your flight your ‘breath pack’ runs dry you can easily obtain more air by inserting 25 cents into the conveniently located slot in your arm rest and that will buy you a few extra quick gasps.”

The airline is advising heavy breathers, asthma sufferers, incessant talkers and those who are prone to hyper-ventilating to purchase a triple breath pack – for only $139.95.

Just another money saving opportunity for Skyan Air passengers.

 

Secrets under the Bearskin – the truth about the Queen’s Guard

In Crazy YarpNews, World on March 24, 2014 at 12:38 pm

Four Queen’s Guards – can you spot the one going to the toilet?

In his new book ‘Under the Bearskin – the naked truth about the Queen’s Guard’, Historian Dayan Yearspass reveals some shocking secrets behind the ancient ceremony of Changing the Guard at Buckingham Palace.

The responsibility of guarding the Sovereign by the Household Troops (as they were known at the time) dates back to the time of Henry VII (1485-1509). Surprisingly, during Henry’s reign Changing of the Guard was actually called the Changing of the Gourd, a title referring to the large marrows or gourds that the watchmen originally wore as protection on their heads. Of course the gourds being vegetables, they would only last a few days before they would begin to rot and so needed changing.

At the time having a rotting vegetable on your head was a great test for you manliness and so the guards would remain as still as possible despite being covered in stinking marrow and flies. The soldiers therefore gained a reputation for being fantastic at standing still and ignoring annoying pests – hence their descendents can easily ignore a coach load of tourists.

Over the years the gourd was replaced by the now traditional bearskin cap. Nowadays the standard bearskin of the British Foot Guards is 18 inches tall, weighs one and a half pounds and is made from the fur of a defenseless Canadian black bear.

The Queen’s Guard customarily wear a full-dress uniform consisting of a red tunic, black bearskins cap and black military trousers. The trousers or pants of the modern guards still hide one secret, one which allows them to remain as still as possible during their many hours standing on guard. The army have equipped each guardsman with a device they call a Disposable, Individually-wrapped, Army Personnel Excretion Receptacle or D.I.A.P.E.R.

Dayan Yearspass has created a great book, full of interesting tit bits and strange facts. Open the pages and the imagery is so evocative that you can almost catch the smell of the rotting gourds and disposable, individually-wrapped, army personnel excretion receptacles.

Play Sporthocker and look as cool as a German teenager

In Crazy YarpNews, World on March 17, 2014 at 11:29 am

Following the success of ‘throwing a stick’, the crazy Germans have come up with a new sport that they are imaginatively calling ‘Sporthocker’. For the uninitiated Sporthocker can only be described as extreme sitting with a few fancy flips thrown in for good measure.

Sporthocker newbies will find that the rules are quite simple. Players, arm themselves with a hock –something that looks like a giant cotton reel crossed with a dodgy cheap plastic stool. And the idea is to play with your cheap plastic stool… er… hock in a bad-ass and rad way (pretending it is a skateboard is just one example of the many ways you could play) and once your flashy manouver is complete, you must sit on your stool. Easy!

The sport is proving very popular amongst German teens, who think they look ‘street’ juggling with plastic furniture. And the inventors are sure that Sporthocker will soon take off all over the world.

Take up Sporthocker and you are guaranteed to draw a crowd of curious onlookers.  Who wouldn’t be blown away by the sight of someone completing a 360 degree ass-plant?

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