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Archive for the ‘World’ Category

Footballers to be tasered by referees

In Crazy YarpNews, World on February 17, 2014 at 1:20 pm

Carlos Tevez about to spit the dummy just after being tasered

In a bid to combat the growing epidemic of dirty fouls, dodgy dives, aggressive players and abusive managers that seem to be more and more prevalent on our football pitches these days, FIFA (football’s international governing body) has decided to trial an ingenious new idea. For the next few months all referees in charge of football games will be armed with tasers.

“Quite frankly we are fed up with the dangers involved with our job. We literally take our lives in our hands each Saturday,” said chief referee Mr Owen Gowel (34). “Players can be volatile, managers can be rude and fans can be downright violent, but now we have the use of stun guns, we are back in charge.”

It is a bold move, but FIFA have given every referee full authority to use their tasers ‘where ever and whenever they feel the need arises.’

One of the first players to be tasered during a match was ex-Manchester City player Carlos Tevez.

“Mr Tevez appeared to be running in the wrong direction,” explained Mr Gowel after he had tasered the player. “I was concerned that he might frighten the children, so I gave him a quick blast, just to teach him a lesson.

“These tasers are great. With them I can easily get my job done without any of the previous hassle or danger. They work great on kids and old people too.”

Call the cops, my snowman is missing!

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech, World on February 13, 2014 at 3:04 pm
Where's my snowman gone?

Where’s my snowman gone?

It is terrible, but it’s true. Some thieving bastard has stolen a snowman right from outside its owner’s house. The distraught owner who wishes to remain anonymous, so we will call her Miss Nelly Shenko was so upset by the theft that she called the emergency services.

Unfortunately, even though the snowman had pound coins for his eyes and teaspoons for arms, the police remained uninterested in the theft.

“I ain’t being funny,” said Miss Shenko “I just thought that with it being icy out there and there not being anybody about, he’d be safe. It ain’t a nice road, but at the end of the day you don’t expect someone to nick your snowman.”

This snowman theft is the latest in a long line of random thefts that the police have had no interest in. So far a puddle that was recently stolen from the same area has not been recovered nor has a hole in a donut that went missing from Barry’s Burger Bar on the High Street at around 2.15pm last Wednesday.

Police have not warned the public to remain vigilant and have not asked for any witnesses to come forward. Typical!

Join the ‘Lick a Leper’ campaign

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech, World on February 11, 2014 at 1:49 pm

 

Join the Lick a Leper camapign

Join the Lick a Leper camapign

The charity organization Lephelp that provides support and funding to sufferers of leprosy and their families has today put out a call for more lepers.

“Lepers in western society are a dying breed,” claims leper lover Tom Flake who runs Lephelp. “It’s great that people are being cured of leprosy, but we are running out of people to support. If the number of people covered with pus filled sores dries up completely, so will our organization. That is why we have launched the ‘Lick a Leper’ campaign.”

Lephelp are calling for volunteers to ‘Lick a Leper’.

“It’s easy, just grab your nearest leper and lick him,” smiled Mr Flake. And if you don’t have a leper handy, Lephelp have provided the easy and convenient mail scheme, ‘Lick a Leper by Post,’ where for as little as $2 per month you will receive your very own infected body part.  All you have to do is wait for your very own bit of leper to be dropped off at your home or office and once received, you need to locate a good juicy lesion and simply lick it.

If you have a conscience, don’t turn your back on this charity. Join the ‘Lick a Leper’ campaign today and help Lephelp to continue to help lepers like you.

Miserable moggy’s a suicide bomber

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews, World on February 8, 2014 at 12:44 pm

Colin in his home made suicide bomber vest

In a shocking story, we hear of the sad tale of an 8 year old cat called Colin, who tried to commit suicide on Feline Facebook last night.

The miserable moggy had lost his purr, gone mangy and had begun to smell a bit like pee and so he decided to end his miserable life by killing himself. Having watched too many episodes of Itchy & Scratchy on the Simpsons, he concluded the best way to kill a cat like himself was to blow himself up. So Colin studied suicide bombers and made himself a suicide bomber vest, complete with several sticks of dynamite.

Maybe it was because he had no guts, maybe it was because he had no thumbs, maybe no one on Feline Facebook cared but Colin’s suicide bid failed just moments before he detonated his vest because a little old lady picked him up and dropped him into a wheelie bin.

Unrepentant, Colin has vowed to try to kill himself again. “I have nine lives to try to get this right,” mewed the petulant puss. “I will keep trying until I get to end all of them. I’m gonna make their fur fly”

If you are a cat contemplating suicide, please don’t. You are a very much loved member of society and we luff you. Suicide is not painless and it leaves behind a big mess.

Archaeologist unearths fossilized archeologist

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech, World on February 4, 2014 at 1:13 pm

 

Unearthed - an ancient archaeologist

Unearthed – an ancient archaeologist

Archaeologists have this week unearthed a very rare and unusually find. They believe that they have actually found the fossilized remains of the oldest archaeologist ever to be found.  There is still much recording and testing to be done before the find can be verified but archaeologists the world over are very excited by the news.

Tony Robinson, famous friend of the archeologists said, “It’s an amazing discovery. It happened quite by accident just after we finished an episode of Time Team. We had all had quite a bit of Stewart’s geo-fizz down our necks and as so were a little merry. Somehow we managed to plot the readings upside down, but in the end Phil found the site by falling flat on his face and marking it with his nose. The find is thought to be about 1,000 years old, although we have had other reports it maybe 60. However, the fossilized remains come complete with remnants of a beard, jean shorts, hand knitted socks and a pink jumper, along with an array of stone scraping and digging tools, which we are all excited to see as it proves that archaeology has hardly changed over the years.”

A spokesperson for the Team later denied rumors that someone from the Team was missing presumed buried in a shallow grave.

Pavement artist’s sick joke

In Crazy YarpNews, World on February 1, 2014 at 9:25 pm
  

The real hole Mr Isithere dug

Pavement art by Mr Bob Isithere

After many years of drawing some of the best optical illusions seen by shoppers throughout Barnsley and similar naff sounding cities, Mr Bob Isithere confessed “No one gave me a penny for my work and I’d had enough. I thought sod em, and I began to form a plan.

“I snuck out in the middle of the night and instead of drawing a realistic looking hole, I dug a real hole. It took me a few hours and was really big. I was just admiring my work when some cocky kids came by. They had seen my pavement art before and they started to take the piss. They were hassling me about how shit my drawing was, saying how unrealistic it was…and then they just disappeared over the edge,” mumbled the murderer.

For the death of those two innocent yobs, Mr Isithere was sentenced to three weeks hard prison. Since his sentencing Mr Isithere has tried unsuccessfully to draw an escape route.

New rising trend of country swapping

In Crazy YarpNews, World on January 17, 2014 at 12:08 pm

Map indicating likely future swaps

The growing dissatisfaction about ‘where we live’ has seen the dramatic rise of a new country swapping scheme in which whole countries swap with another, similar sized country.

Nations such as Belgium and Luxembourg are the latest to join the ever growing list wanting to swap with other like minded countries who share their unhappiness and passion for change.

“Even if it’s for six months, just to spice things up a bit,” said Igor Thataway from Belgium. “I’ve always fancied Ireland as I like Guiness!” Igor waffled on. “I’ve heard the Irish love chocolate and lace, so we have a lot in common.”

Portugal and Greenland have apparently already been involved in talks and are considering a possible 18 month trial period. A bloke in a pub overheard Portugal saying they were very interested in whale spotting, so it would appear that talks with Greenland will end favourably.

The President of Greenland commented on the logistical nightmare of moving a whole nation, especially during the cross-over period where there is a strong likelihood that people will bump into each other.

However, previous swaps have worked somewhat successfully. In 2007 Britain and Albania’s swap worked excellently with the whole of Albania making it successfully to Britain. Admittedly, most of the British chose to remain at home or buggered off to Spain, but it is expected these sort of teething problems will be ironed out during future swaps. 

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