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Posts Tagged ‘car’

Ford’s new concept car The Confusion is driving people crazy

In Crazy YarpNews on May 21, 2014 at 1:49 pm

Push me, pull you – The Ford Confusion

This morning, in a magnificent ceremony held behind Debbie’s Donner Kebab’s in Scunthorpe, Ford launched their new concept car, The Confusion.

Although the all-new Confusion doesn’t look radically different from other cars, it has significant improvements in terms of fuel economy, seat belt length and interior carpeting. The cleverly evolved design gives the Confusion a fresh, masculine appearance, and yet it retains its unmistakably classic character. The concept is to give drivers a sense of security while confusing the hell out of car jackers, cops, traffic wardens and tailgaters. The spacious interior is designed to comfortably seat four, but with a bit of a squeeze you could maybe fit in three extra old people plus a dog.

Sharing the same bold, inspired look and power ability as a twelve speed Raleigh Shopper, the new Confusion also comes with Fords all-wheel drive system which, thanks to a handily located steering wheel, allows you to turn the car to the right as well as left.

Other advanced features like adaptive controls, lighting, keys and a windshield give the Confusion sideways driving ability. This unique feature helps the driver to avoid tight parallel parking spots forever. Going forward has become the new drifting sideways and drifting sideways has become the new driving forward.

If you love staring out of the window at the houses you pass by and you’re interested in standing out from the crowd, buy a new Confusion. You’d be an idiot not to.

The Ford Confusion, a smart car driven by an idiot.

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Student prank drives pensioner around the bend

In Crazy YarpNews on April 12, 2014 at 12:33 pm

 

Going the wrong way? Sssh! No one need every know!

Going the wrong way? Sssh! No one need ever know!

A cruel joke played by a bunch of student pranksters left a little old lady trapped on a roundabout for three whole days. Roundabouts or traffic circles are notoriously difficult to navigate at the best of times, but for one poor pensioner a trip to the library turned into a trip to hell. Unbeknownst to Miss Constance Spirals (82) the usual route she took once a week, on a Thursday, was the centre of a very well organized college prank. The group of freshmen from Privet University, Shrubland, Australia arranged to block every entrance and exit route on the roundabout with a set of large, portable bushes. The cunning kids waited until poor unfortunate Miss Spirals drove on to the circle and before she could exit they deployed their bushes, instantly trapping the simple spinster. With no means of escape the stupid old biddy kept going round and around, hoping the next turn would lead to a way out, but each turn just lead to another hedge. Three days later, friends and neighbours of Miss Spirals realized she was missing and raised the alarm. Police estimate that by the time they found the aged one she had completed over 3,000 circles. Miss Spirals is now back home and although she is still a little dizzy and confused, no one has really noticed. The Police are currently on the lookout for a bunch of leafy students who are disguised as bushes.

Visit the Safari Park to ‘chimp your ride’

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 13, 2014 at 1:17 pm

Visiting a Safari Park is always an adventure. Everyone expects to get leered at by the lions, gawked at by a giraffe and have their car systematically stripped down by a pack of primates.

It is no secret that the monkeys cleverly take those stripped car parts and turn them in to their own sweet rides. Having opposable thumbs makes them excellent grease monkeys. Indeed, many car crooks have slept easy in their beds, knowing that they can quickly get rid of any evidence by monkeying around with the primates.

However, if you are lucky enough to pay a visit to Monkey Jungle in Banana Bay, you could be in for a treat, as the monkey mechanics there have gone one step further by offering their customers a range of custom built baboon saloon cars. Each car off the production line will be unique in every way, depending upon the vehicle the parts were originally swiped from.

If a custom built baboon saloon is not for you, the apes are offering another alternative. They will (using their monkey mates’ monkey wrenches and monkey nuts) chimp your ride.

So, whether you fancy a brand new baboon saloon or you prefer to have the apes chimp your ride, having a monkey’ed up motor will make you king of the jungle.

 

Dirty dogs caught ‘humaning’

In Crazy YarpNews on January 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Two Shih Tzus and a Bulldog were caught in the explicit act of ‘humaning’ in a car park at the back of Milton Keynes industrial estate late last night. Having escorted their owners on long walks around dark car parks, the dogs had apparently become intrigued by the human version of outdoor exhibitionism know as ‘dogging’ and decided to have a go themselves.

The trio of lusty critters were said to have been engaged in a bit of one on one in the back of a Ford Escort, when police swooped. One of the Shih Tzus was acting as look out as the other dirty dogs got down to it, missionary style watched by a handful of other horny hounds. The police, acting on a tip off, arrived ten minutes after the pair were seen getting into the back of the car. However, by the time the offices reached the car park ‘the act’ was over and the pair were discovered engaging in a leisurely Mulborough Light cigarette.

The dogs are being held under caution for breaching the non smoking act.

The Bulldog’s owner later commented, “I hope they used protection as a cross between a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu would be… interesting!”

Thick thief’s car complaint

In Crazy YarpNews on January 9, 2011 at 2:03 pm

A car thief in Bangkok, Thailand was arrested last Thursday after phoning the dealer he had stolen his car from to complain that it had broken down.

“He hung around the showroom waiting until a genuine customer came in to put a deposit on a car. He then persuaded another member of staff that he was the customer who had just paid the deposit and got him to hand over the keys to the brand new Mitsubishi Lancer,” explained car dealer Andy Break.

Mr Break immediately reported the theft to police.

“I knew he wouldn’t get far because there was only a small amount of gas in the tank.”

Unfortunately a police search for the car came up empty handed, but at 7am the next morning Mr Break received a surprising phone call from the thief claiming that he had broken down. He asked if he could swap the stolen car for a new one.

Mr Break agreed to meet the man in the centre of town. At the meeting point, police met Willy Scarper, 32, waiting with the stolen car and arrested him.

Mr Scarper admitted to stealing the car. He said he really liked the Lancer and had been to Mr Break’s lot a number of times to look at it. He said that when it broke down after he had stolen it he was worried that someone else might steal it, so he rang the car yard hoping he could exchange it for one that worked.

The dumb crook received four years prison time. In a statement to the court he claimed that he would work hard to be a model prisoner, so that he could be released early for good behaviour.

“Once I am out, I hope to be reunited with Mr Break, as I am looking forward to stealing the new BMW 2015 from him in four years time.”

Top Gear’s Top Drug

In Crazy YarpNews on December 22, 2010 at 11:35 am

Mr and Mrs Stig relaxing after the drug tests

Because the majority of drivers on Britain’s roads are either out of their tiny minds on alcohol or drugs (be they  prescribed or otherwise), the government has today launched a series of new drug tests, to see whether the British public’s general performance on the roads would be affected.

In order to carry out these drug tests the government has commissioned the world’s leading car experts and aficionados – the team from the popular TV program Top Gear to carry out the testing.

Jeremy Clarkson (the tall mouthy one) said, “It’s a fantastic decision by the government. We can’t wait to test the new BMW 12 series. Stig will be our guinea pig as he will be the one taking the drugs and driving whilst comparing performance, reaction times and his ability to stay alive even as he is ploughing into groups of innocent by standers. It’s a tough job for Stig, whereas we (the rest of the team) will be acting as a sort of judge’s panel and so we will be taking the drugs just for the fun of it.

Stig’s first test was the BMW on LSD. Half an hour after taking his first trip, Stig stood up and approached the car, so the Top Gear team started their stop watch. Stig then got into the back seat of the car, where he remained throughout the test. He seemed fascinated by the intricate upholstery (which we all agreed was particularly wiggley). We stopped the test after Stig spent more than three hours staring at the back of the driver’s seat whilst listening to “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” over and over again. It was time for us to proceed to test number two.

The second test was cocaine. Stig took a nose-full off of the especially engineered ‘stashboard’ before winding the window down and pumping up the tunes. He was last seen driving slowly near an icecream van whilst hanging out the window and trying to look cool. When a group of young teenage girls started shouting, ‘Get a life Pedo’ at him we decided to end that particular test early.

Next up was marijuana. Our man Stig strolled up to the car with plenty of swagger and after successfully getting in the right door and sitting in the right seat, he began to roll up a right fat one. After inhaling deeply, Stig began to laugh uncontrollably before playing ambient tunes on the car stereo. Stig’s driving remained unaffected as he didn’t actually start the engine, preferring to gorge himself on eight snickers bars before eventually falling asleep.

Stig’s final test was ecstasy. After popping a pill Stig actually managed to get into the car and start the engine. He also successfully got the car into gear and drive slowly up our race track. Admittedly he was shouting “I bloody love you Hammond,” and “James May your hair is sooooo beautiful,”, but we don’t feel that was a bad thing. Insisting we all got into a group hug was a little dangerous particularly as he was doing fifty in a thirty zone at the time, but overall we deemed it was a success.

These tests are just the first in a long line of tests and retests that Stig and the team intend to carry out. Next week Clarkson will be testing the new Jag on Whisky, Hammond the Honda Accord on Hooch and Mr May will be having a lie down in a darkened room.

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