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Posts Tagged ‘cat’

Dr Doolittle makes FBI Most Wanted list

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 6, 2014 at 12:45 pm

Your money or your nine lives!

Dr Doolittle has finally made the FBI’s top ten Most Wanted list for crimes against the animal kingdom.

After committing numerous hideous crimes such as swindling squirrels out of their nuts, tricking elephants out of their swimming trunks and killing his own dog with a kitchen knife, Dr Doolittle has sunk to an even worse low. Yesterday he was involved in the brutal mugging of a defenceless kitten (aged 3 ½ weeks) at gunpoint.

The once adored animal whisperer had no excuse for this disgusting act of depravity, but he stated to Yarpnews that he was only preying on unsuspecting kittens because he mistakenly believed that people keep their cash in a ‘kitty’. What a douche bag.

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Miserable moggy’s a suicide bomber

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews, World on February 8, 2014 at 12:44 pm

Colin in his home made suicide bomber vest

In a shocking story, we hear of the sad tale of an 8 year old cat called Colin, who tried to commit suicide on Feline Facebook last night.

The miserable moggy had lost his purr, gone mangy and had begun to smell a bit like pee and so he decided to end his miserable life by killing himself. Having watched too many episodes of Itchy & Scratchy on the Simpsons, he concluded the best way to kill a cat like himself was to blow himself up. So Colin studied suicide bombers and made himself a suicide bomber vest, complete with several sticks of dynamite.

Maybe it was because he had no guts, maybe it was because he had no thumbs, maybe no one on Feline Facebook cared but Colin’s suicide bid failed just moments before he detonated his vest because a little old lady picked him up and dropped him into a wheelie bin.

Unrepentant, Colin has vowed to try to kill himself again. “I have nine lives to try to get this right,” mewed the petulant puss. “I will keep trying until I get to end all of them. I’m gonna make their fur fly”

If you are a cat contemplating suicide, please don’t. You are a very much loved member of society and we luff you. Suicide is not painless and it leaves behind a big mess.

The animal kingdom is laughing at us behind our backs

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

A laughing labrador

Cat and dog owners may already suspect it, but after years of exhaustive research, scientists can categorically prove that the animal kingdom is laughing at us behind our backs.

Suspicions began to rise in the 1880’s when Lord Frederick Von Freely-Robsland III thought he heard a fox giggle. No one at the time believed Lord Von Freely-Robsland III, but the upper crust don’t take kindly to being laughed at and this apparent incident spawned the very first fox hunt.

A little chortling cat

Years later and Professor Robin Watcher from UCLA was doing some tests on small rabbits when he heard one of them snigger.

“I was having a difficult time in the lab,” explained Professor Watcher. “I was all fingers and thumbs that day and I managed to drop all my notes on the floor. When I bent over to pick them up I split my pants and that’s when I distinctly heard a rabbit snigger.

“This of course set my mind racing and set me off one a whole new course of research.”

A sniggering seal

Professor Watcher then went on to carefully study as many animals as he possibly could.

“What I discovered was absolutely amazing. Not only do wild animals laugh at us, but it seems that domestic pets have a highly sophisticated sense of humor. If you have never seen your dog or cat laugh then either you are not looking closely enough, or they are using their poker skills on you – they have excellent poker faces you know.

“I believe that domestic animals are extremely fun loving. They find old people particularly funny and tend to gravitate towards them. They really love old people, but they like the rest of us too.

And an hysterical Polar Bear

“They are constantly playing jokes on us. One joke they really like to play is to pretend they can see or hear something that their owners can’t. They love to see the scared and confused look on our faces – that really cracks them up.”

Unfortunately for Professor Watcher, the scientific journal The Lancet has refused to publish his findings.

“It is very frustrating,” admitted Professor Watcher. “It seems that they don’t want to believe me. They would rather believe in UFOs although there is no scrap of proof.  I have all these photos and documented evidence but confront them with laughing animals and they don’t want to know.”

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