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Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Hot man melts

In Crazy YarpNews on July 24, 2016 at 12:56 pm

 

Man makes his own people puddle

It’s hot, hot, hot outside, hot enough to fry an egg… or melt a person.

And that’s just what happened this morning when California native Hugo Sticky (28) popped out for a breakfast burrito.

“I just finished eating a hot burrito, when I had a feeling something was wrong,” explained Mr Sticky “I felt really strange, kind of down and deflated. I said to a lady who was passing by ‘Man my ass is really hot,’ and she agreed.

“At first I thought I was just shrinking as I seemed to be getting shorter. But I was sweating like crazy and I said to the burrito guy, ‘Man it’s so hot out here even the chickens are laying hard boiled eggs. I mean I feel like I am melting’ and he laughed and said ‘You are’ and when I looked down I saw that he was right and there was nothing left of me but this people puddle.”

“It was really freaky,” added the burrito guy. “He was like, ‘I am so hot man, I’m melting.’ And I was like ‘yeah man, you are!“

Doctors are today warning of the dangers of melting on hot, hot, hot days.

“There were two main reasons why Mr Sticky melted,” explained eminent scientist and DJ, Dr Indahouse. “The first of course, is the outside temperature. I mean it’s hotter than the devil’s dick out there. I recommend to all my patients that they stay indoors and try not to melt. The other thing I recommend is that they never, ever eat a burrito full of extra hot chili peppers. And if they do, never to eat a burrito full of Trinidad Scorpion Butch T peppers because they are extremely hot. I would hate to think what would happen to someone who say ate a breakfast burrito full of Trinidad Scorpion Butch T peppers on a very hot day like today… they would probably melt.”

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Clowns – responsible for terrifying the shit out of everyone

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on May 7, 2014 at 11:44 am

At last, police capture the clown

The scourge of modern society, that has for years terrorized small children and adults alike, has at last been taken off our streets.

Following a series of dawn raids, the residents of Smileyberg, Illinois will be able to rest easy in their beds tonight. Because last night, the town’s Mayor, Buster Parade declared that being a clown was illegal and following his declaration, every clown, jester and circus fool in the area was rounded up and arrested.

The raids appear to have been triggered after some clown reportedly gave Mr Parade ‘the bird’. Mr Parade was then heard to say: /span>

“They must be joking if those red nosed bastards think they can keep getting away with this.” /span>

Following Mr Parades orders the police raided circus tents, parties, play grounds, children’s hospitals, fast food establishments, bars, strip clubs, homeless shelters and congress – anywhere you would expect to find a clown.

For some, the raids couldn’t come too soon.  There is growing evidence that clowns are not just leering freaks with abnormally big feet, but they are also responsible for a string of horrific murders as well as being a contributing factor to the nation’s increasing obesity.

With a cry of “Stop terrifying the shit out of everyone!” The police rounded up all clowns, all clown supporters and anyone who was wearing too much make-up. The raids were successful as the Police managed to round up over 50 clowns, however several did escape in a wonky car, with one making a get-away on a tiny bike.

Two cops take their love for ballet tutu far

In Crazy YarpNews on April 18, 2014 at 12:38 pm

Nutcracker cops

A Government Inspector was left in shock yesterday after she paid an unscheduled visit to a small rural Police Station and caught two officers with their pants down, engaging in a spot of ballet.

Sleepy Birmingham is a small village in the middle of middle England. The Police Station of this diminutive seaside town is run by two desk cops – a duty sergeant and a regular PC. However, it would seem that instead of fighting crime Duty Sergeant Robin Eublind and PC Peter File spend most of their time re-enacting Swan Lake.

“Imagine my shock when I saw them,” said appalled Government Inspector, Phillippa Quotas. “It was utterly disgusting, their arabesque was passable but their pas de deux was all over the place… and I won’t even comment on their timing.”

The ballet duo has been suspended while an internal enquiry is carried out. Relatives claim that the long hours spent working behind a desk has made the two policemen nutcrackers.

Government Minister, Lewis Ingdaplot, who is in charge of Britain’s Police Force declined to comment, but a little later he was overheard through the walls shouting, “I don’t give a ruddy shit if they have great legs. It’s a bloody PR disaster, the British public don’t want to see the pound wasted on a police force that does nothing but ponce around in tights.”

Vice President in mix up with President of Vice

In Crazy YarpNews, World on April 6, 2014 at 12:33 pm

 

Vice Captain or Captain of Vice?

Vice Captain or Captain of Vice?

The courier service PH Hell, have today admitted that they have may have mistakenly delivered a parcel to Joe Biden, Vice President, The White House, West Wing instead of its intended recipient Mr Blow Bigguns, President of Vice, The White Ho House, West Wind.

The embarrassing mix up came to light when King of porn, Mr Bigguns realized that he and his lovely ‘ho’s’ had not received their regular monthly order for a mixed assortment of rubber bondage wear, a box of adjustable nipple clamps, a gimp mask and a range of whips. Concerned about his lack of delivery Mr Bigguns contacted the courier service only to be told that the parcel had already been delivered to the White House.

“It seems the delivery driver is a little dyslexic, so it’s easy to see how the confusion came about,” laughed Mr Bigguns.

In his defense, delivery driver Don Stopping said, “It’s not easy to read addresses at the best of times, but the handwriting on this particular parcel was very shaky and hard to read. Also, the address was written in ink and it had rained so all the words were blurry. It’s not my fault I couldn’t read it properly. Besides, I have delivered hundreds of similar boxes there in the past, so I thought this one was meant to go there too – how was I to know it was meant for a porn king?”

Strangely enough, despite PH Hell admitting their error a White House spokesperson denies that the White House or anyone in Joe Biden’s office has received any parcels, let alone any full of kinky gear intended for a porn king.

Whatever the truth is we may never know, but if it didn’t reach The White Ho House and it didn’t get delivered to The White House, what did happen to Mr Bigguns’ missing parcel?

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Mr Bigguns box of sex toys, please contact the White House and let them know.

Save money on cheap flights by holding your breath

In Crazy YarpNews, World on March 27, 2014 at 12:04 pm

 

Smiling through the tears

Smiling through the tears

Skyan Air, the no thrills, low budget airline have come up with some very clever ways to save their customers even more money. Well known for charging nothing except a an itty-bitty $1 for a seat to the other side of the world (plus $5 seatbelt duty, $2 washroom fee, $10 for any item of hang luggage, $40 per suitcase, $16 per PB&J sandwich and apple lunch pack, $10 per mile flight tax, $50 runway tax, $100 airport tax, $30 fuel surcharge and $50 handling and administration fee per person). The Pound Shop of the air are now offering any flyers who can hold their breath, the chance to save money on their flight.

Willie Land, spokesmen for Skyan Air said, “As we all know fresh air is expensive – well at least the good stuff you can breathe is, and we don’t think it is fair to make those customers who use less air to pay as much, if not more than those who gulp it down, like its, um…air. Therefore, although we plan to continue giving all our customers free air, we are asking those who use more than the designated 12 breaths a minute to purchase a ‘breath pack’.

“Handily located above your head each ‘breath pack’ will fall from the ceiling whenever the airline feels you have exhausted your allocated breathing allowance. Each ‘breath pack’ costs only $50 and provides enough air to last the average person approximately one half hour. If, during your flight your ‘breath pack’ runs dry you can easily obtain more air by inserting 25 cents into the conveniently located slot in your arm rest and that will buy you a few extra quick gasps.”

The airline is advising heavy breathers, asthma sufferers, incessant talkers and those who are prone to hyper-ventilating to purchase a triple breath pack – for only $139.95.

Just another money saving opportunity for Skyan Air passengers.

 

The rubber gimp boot hat is back!

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on March 9, 2014 at 11:08 am

The stylish rubber gimp boot hat

Fans of the rubber gimp boot hat will be pleased to hear that it is making a come back.

Originally popular in the 1950s, the squeaky, smelly headgear soon fell out of favour, with many people preferring to wear a nice bobble hat to keep their heads warm. However, the recent freak weather conditions, which dumped snow all over the northern hemisphere has seen people reaching for the fashion favourite once again.

Practical and stylish, the rubber gimp boot hat not only keeps your head dry but it will also come in handy should you slip in the snow because the clever in-built ‘tread’ pattern located at the top of the hat acts as a buffer that is designed to protect your head.

One fan, Ivor Fetish, explained why he likes wearing rubber gimp boot hats. He said: “Ish shust luff itch, itches shuu shekshy.” Unfortunately Mr Fetish was wearing his boot hat at the time.

Rubber gimp boot hats come in a range of sizes and designs. If you are lucky, you will be able to participate in the bargain of the century as most shops are currently selling two rubber gimp hats for the price of one.

Scientists discover micro toilet

In Crazy YarpNews on March 6, 2014 at 1:13 pm

The miniscule micro loo

Scientists have discovered a new micro-organism that is thought to be responsible for the bug that causes vomiting and diarrhea. The bug, most commonly known as ‘the shits’, usually strikes during the winter, or after the consumption of large amounts of alcohol and a curry, causing misery to millions.

Thankfully, the geeks at Water Closet University, WC searched tirelessly to find the cause of the terrible puking, shitting affliction. What they discovered however went way beyond their wildest expectations as the organism responsible for making you spend so much time on the loo is actually shaped like a toilet.

“It’s an amazing discovery,” chirped chief scientist Professor Lou Seat. “We spent a long time wondering why we had to keep running to the john, and now we know why. Obviously, there was something inherent in us and it turns out it was the toilet itself. We hope to continue our work so that we can find the cure. Maybe that will be shaped like a bog brush or a roll of toilet paper?”

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