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Posts Tagged ‘crazy’

Ford’s new concept car The Confusion is driving people crazy

In Crazy YarpNews on May 21, 2014 at 1:49 pm

Push me, pull you – The Ford Confusion

This morning, in a magnificent ceremony held behind Debbie’s Donner Kebab’s in Scunthorpe, Ford launched their new concept car, The Confusion.

Although the all-new Confusion doesn’t look radically different from other cars, it has significant improvements in terms of fuel economy, seat belt length and interior carpeting. The cleverly evolved design gives the Confusion a fresh, masculine appearance, and yet it retains its unmistakably classic character. The concept is to give drivers a sense of security while confusing the hell out of car jackers, cops, traffic wardens and tailgaters. The spacious interior is designed to comfortably seat four, but with a bit of a squeeze you could maybe fit in three extra old people plus a dog.

Sharing the same bold, inspired look and power ability as a twelve speed Raleigh Shopper, the new Confusion also comes with Fords all-wheel drive system which, thanks to a handily located steering wheel, allows you to turn the car to the right as well as left.

Other advanced features like adaptive controls, lighting, keys and a windshield give the Confusion sideways driving ability. This unique feature helps the driver to avoid tight parallel parking spots forever. Going forward has become the new drifting sideways and drifting sideways has become the new driving forward.

If you love staring out of the window at the houses you pass by and you’re interested in standing out from the crowd, buy a new Confusion. You’d be an idiot not to.

The Ford Confusion, a smart car driven by an idiot.

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19½ lip smacking facts about kissing

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 9, 2014 at 12:04 pm

 

Pucker Up!

Smooch, snog, peck, smacker, canoodle, tonsil hockey, necking… whatever you call it, being as it’s Valentine’s Day it will come as no surprise to read that our thoughts have wandered to that ultimate fat free way of having fun – kissing!

*The Romans started it all. They were the first to use the kiss the way that we know it today. They were particularly fond of the savium – the ancient Roman equivalent of the French kiss.

*Kissing doesn’t come naturally to humans. There are many cultures that had never kissed until the Europeans arrived and showed them how. It was their custom to rub or press noses (what we call ‘Eskimo’ kissing).

*In 2005, Australian men voted kissing as their 19th ‘favourite thing to do with a lover’. Watching football, visiting the in-laws and going to the toilet all ranked higher.

*During an average lifetime we spend about two weeks kissing.

*In 1802, a French couple achieved worldwide fame after their tongues became entangled during a passionate kiss. Since then, a full on kiss, with tongues has been called a French kiss (or a wet one).

*Our brains are equipped with neurons that can help us to find our lover’s lips in the dark.

*Indiana, in the USA, has a law that makes it illegal for a man with a moustache to ‘habitually kiss human beings.’

*The science of kissing is called philematology.

*In 1233, it was common for a Catholic congregation to line up and kiss their Bishop’s bare buttocks; this custom was the origin of the colloquial saying, “kiss my arse”.

*Kissing causes the brain to produce oxytocin, which is otherwise known as the ‘feel good’ hormone. Not only does this amazing hormone make you feel warm and fuzzy, it also makes you want to come back for more. Oxytocin is also present in chocolate and this may explain why we like the taste of it so much. Like kisses, one is never enough!

*In Connecticut, USA it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on a Sunday.

*A passionate kiss uses all 34 facial muscles and burns 26 calories.

*In Cedar Rapids, Iowa it is illegal to kiss a stranger.

*Between 10 million and one billion colonies of bacteria are swapped in each snog.

*Kissing a frog was a common practice amongst ancient Amazonian tribes. Certain frogs secrete hallucinogenic chemicals that make whoever you look at appear extremely attractive (in the same way that beer-goggles work). Perhaps there is some truth in the fairy tale of kissing a frog to find a prince?

*Bonobo Monkeys (a type of chimpanzee) are the only other animals that kiss each other on the mouth – they are also the only other animal to have sex in the missionary position.

*The Mexican City of Guanajuato has declared itself the ‘Capital of the Kiss’. It even has a ‘Kissing Alley’, where a smooch is believed to bring good luck.

*In Naples, Italy in the 16th century, kissing was an offence that carried the death penalty.

*The Roman author and philosopher, Pliny the Elder recommends ‘Kissing the hairy nose of a mule’ as an excellent way to cure the common cold.

*In London, New York, Paris and other similar cities it is actually illegal to kiss your boss during working hours – although, it is not illegal to kiss their arse.

Play Sporthocker and look as cool as a German teenager

In Crazy YarpNews, World on March 17, 2014 at 11:29 am

Following the success of ‘throwing a stick’, the crazy Germans have come up with a new sport that they are imaginatively calling ‘Sporthocker’. For the uninitiated Sporthocker can only be described as extreme sitting with a few fancy flips thrown in for good measure.

Sporthocker newbies will find that the rules are quite simple. Players, arm themselves with a hock –something that looks like a giant cotton reel crossed with a dodgy cheap plastic stool. And the idea is to play with your cheap plastic stool… er… hock in a bad-ass and rad way (pretending it is a skateboard is just one example of the many ways you could play) and once your flashy manouver is complete, you must sit on your stool. Easy!

The sport is proving very popular amongst German teens, who think they look ‘street’ juggling with plastic furniture. And the inventors are sure that Sporthocker will soon take off all over the world.

Take up Sporthocker and you are guaranteed to draw a crowd of curious onlookers.  Who wouldn’t be blown away by the sight of someone completing a 360 degree ass-plant?

Police launch the Adopt-a-Thief Scheme

In Crazy YarpNews on October 16, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Hug the policeFrustrated by the growing number of house break-ins combined with the problem of full to bursting prisons, Police in Middle Wallop in Thumpshire, UK, have this week launched a new initiate they call the Adopt-a-Thief Scheme.

The Adopt-a-Thief Scheme calls upon the kindness of good citizens to open their hearts and homes to wayward thieves. Residents will be encouraged to set up traps in their houses and if they are lucky enough to snare a burglar, they will be able to keep him.

“Anyone interested in taking part will be supplied with a free  trap,” said promoter of the Scheme, Senior Chief Constable, Nick Everybody, (19) “They should bait the trap with something nice and shiny like jewellery.”

And according to Senior Chief Constable Everybody, having caught your burglar, the adoption process is fairly quick and easy.

“All you have to do is drop in to the station, fill out an adoption application form and your burglar will be yours to take home. Once you get your new burglar home, spend some time getting to know it. Introduce it to the house and its inhabitants. Many new adoptees can be temperamental and can be set off by little things. However they usually respond well to children and pets.

“Thieves are able to understand a set routine quickly if it is presented to them regularly enough. So be sure to show your thief their new sleeping area, how to use the bathroom and where he is allowed to play on a daily basis. Because of their nature, they are liable to try and escape so we recommend keeping them on a leash at all times.“

Police Chief Constable Nick Everybody would be interested in hearing from anyone who is interested in joining the Adopt-a-Thief Scheme.

“I would like to encourage anyone to take part in the Scheme. It’s an excellent way to help society and those less fortunate than ourselves… and it’s the only way we are going to keep these thieving bastards off our streets.”

Seal goes a little bit crazy

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on March 20, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Seal terrifies the shit out of some Asian tourists

Seal, the pop star husband of supermodel Heidi Klum is in trouble this week for frightening the shit out of a group of Asian tourists.

Some blame Heidi Klum who was in the park trying to fend off a bunch of paparazzi who were trying to photograph her and her children. It would appear that Seal thought the tourists were reporters out to snap his babies and so he went a bit berserk.

The Asian tourists knew what to do and instinctively began clubbing Seal around the head with anything they could get their hands on. Ironically it was a member of the paparazzi who saved Seal by pointing out to the tourists that they were in fact clubbing international singing star Seal and not a defenseless baby marine animal.

Eventually everything was cleared up and the tourists left the park happy, loaded with a couple of signed DVDs and a voucher for a fish supper for four at the Fish Shack.

As Seal and Heidi were leaving the park, the pop star was overheard to say:

“But, we are never going to survive unless we get a little bit crazy.”

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