Posts Tagged ‘dead’

Dr Doolittle makes FBI Most Wanted list

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 6, 2014 at 12:45 pm

Your money or your nine lives!

Dr Doolittle has finally made the FBI’s top ten Most Wanted list for crimes against the animal kingdom.

After committing numerous hideous crimes such as swindling squirrels out of their nuts, tricking elephants out of their swimming trunks and killing his own dog with a kitchen knife, Dr Doolittle has sunk to an even worse low. Yesterday he was involved in the brutal mugging of a defenceless kitten (aged 3 ½ weeks) at gunpoint.

The once adored animal whisperer had no excuse for this disgusting act of depravity, but he stated to Yarpnews that he was only preying on unsuspecting kittens because he mistakenly believed that people keep their cash in a ‘kitty’. What a douche bag.

Digital dating for the dead

In Crazy YarpNews on March 18, 2014 at 12:36 pm

Joss Stick and her crystal ball

‘Happy Ever Afterlife’ is a clever new dating service run by Psychic Joss Stick, which helps you to find your deceased friends and family the prefect afterlife partner.

Some say she is a medium, others a large, but whatever size she is, Mystic Miss Stick can, using digital matching and a quick séance, put you in touch with potential dead lovers  – something Miss Stick calls a dead date (a blind date for the dead).

“Unfortunately, many people pass away without ever finding love,” explained Miss Stick. “Happy Ever Afterlife offers the relatives of those lonely souls the chance to help them meet up and date another lonely soul in the afterlife. It’s a perfect way to show your dead loved ones how much you still care – it really does lift their spirits.”

Fortunately, Happy Ever Afterlife customers won’t need crystal balls to keep up to date with the dead date as the site will send you blow by blow updates via twitter.

Of course, if you yourself are planning to die in the near future Miss Stick’s amazing service can also tell you whether your own soul mate is already dead and ready and waiting for you, or whether it’s worth hanging on a bit because he/she still walks among us.

So, whether you are living or dead with Happy Ever Afterlife there is always a ghost of a chance that you will, one day, find your perfect love match.

Dr Dolittle’s dog is dead

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on January 28, 2014 at 12:34 pm
Dr Dolittle's dead dog, Dave

Dr Dolittle’s dead dog, Dave

In a shocking story just in, we learn the tragic news that Dr Dolittle’s dog, Dave is dead

“He called me a bastard, so I stabbed him,” explained the distraught Doctor.

Regular readers will have fond memories of Dave (12) and his crazy sense of humor, which sadly appears to have aided his demise.

When asked why he simply didn’t send Dave to his basket, Dr Doolittle replied, “I could never do that to Dave, he was far too sophisticated, and he would always successfully argue that is was demeaning for him to be treated like a dog. He was a bad dog.”

It would appear that talking to the animals isn’t all it was cracked up to be. Unfortunately, it lead to Dave’s dog days being over. RIP Dave, you’ll be sadly missed.


Dr Dolittle wants a new dog

In an unrelated story, Dr Dolittle has today advertised for a new dog.

It seems the multi-lingual doctor is looking for a dumb leggy blonde Labrador aged between 2 and 5 years who enjoys long walks, cozy nights in and stimulating conversation, they must also like athletically chasing small sticks, eating sausages and be willing to answer to the name ‘Dave’.

Dr Dolittle is hoping that this new relationship can lead to something more than just friendship.


The last two surviving speakers of a nearly extinct language are refusing to talk to each other

In Crazy YarpNews on April 24, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Ayapaneco is a very rare language. It is so rare that it is currently only spoken by two people: Manuel Segovia, 75, and Isidro Velazquez, 69. Unfortunately the two men appear to have had a falling out and are no longer speaking to each other.

No one knows what the pair’s disagreement was about. Words were said, but no one else understood them.

“When I was a boy everybody spoke it,” said Mr Segovia from his home in the southern Mexican village of Ayapa. “It has disappeared little by little and now I suppose it might die with me.”

At least that is what is believed he said. Mr Velazquez refused to comment.

Anyone interested in learning Ayapaneco before it completely disappears, will be pleased to know that Mr Segovia plans to hold classes every Wednesday at 6.30pm at Ayapa Community School. Mr Segovia has already brought the pencils and notebooks. Mr Velazquez will not be attending.

Herd about the Billy Goats Gruff?

In Crazy YarpNews on March 16, 2011 at 10:02 am

One of the Billy Goats Gruff

It’s been four long goatless months, but readers worldwide will be pleased to hear that the Explosion! Museum at Priddy’s Hard in Gosport, UK has at last got some new goats.

The original herd escaped from their enclosure last November. It was initially thought the goats had found a hole in the fence, but it was later discovered that the animals had simply been able to squeeze between its bars.

The goats had been brought to the museum grounds to help battle the encroaching bushes and weeds that are choking the scheduled ancient monument.

It would seem that the goats were bothered by a group of workmen and so they had moved on to fresher, greener pastures.

“They kind of snuck out, so no one noticed at first,” explained the Museum’s Visitor Services Officer, Marc Urcard (31). “The first we heard of it was when a workman said he had stared at a goat and it had legged it. The next thing we knew we were getting a call from a neighbouring town saying three goats had turned up there. That was a hell of a feet, because those goats would have had to have crossed a pretty dangerous bridge to get there.”

Troll Bridge is well known in the local area for being notoriously difficult to navigate, but the three goats in question were found safe and well eating an old ladies washing.

“The three were brothers, so we called them the Billy Goats Gruff, after the fairy story,” joked Mr Urcard.

To prevent any further escapes more than a mile of mesh has been added to the perimeter fence and a new batch of 15 goats has been brought in.

The workmen who are thought to have originally spooked the other goats were there to witness the arrival of the new herd. After staring at them for a while a spokesman for the group said:

“They are not the same goats.”


The strange case of the drowned troll

What the heck is that?

Police are currently baffled about the discovery of a very strange creature found floating in Gosport River in the UK.

Apparently two workmen were passing the river when they came across what they later described to police as a ‘drowned troll’.

The body was fished out near Troll Bridge not far from the famous Explosion! Museum at Priddy’s Hard, and transferred to the morgue for a post mortem.

“It was a lot bigger, more plump, green and kind of warty when we first got it out of the water, but then it dried out and went all brown and crispy,” explained Coroner, Dr Don Diggin (56).

The creature was found near Troll Bridge and the fact that the witnesses described it as looking like a troll has lead local residents to speculate about what it could be. Dr Diggin would not confirm or deny whether the creature was in fact a troll.

“It really is a very unusual creature,” confessed the Doctor. “It may have troll-like qualities about it but then again it could be a goblin. I really don’t know.”

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