yarpnews

Posts Tagged ‘dog’

Dr Doolittle makes FBI Most Wanted list

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 6, 2014 at 12:45 pm

Your money or your nine lives!

Dr Doolittle has finally made the FBI’s top ten Most Wanted list for crimes against the animal kingdom.

After committing numerous hideous crimes such as swindling squirrels out of their nuts, tricking elephants out of their swimming trunks and killing his own dog with a kitchen knife, Dr Doolittle has sunk to an even worse low. Yesterday he was involved in the brutal mugging of a defenceless kitten (aged 3 ½ weeks) at gunpoint.

The once adored animal whisperer had no excuse for this disgusting act of depravity, but he stated to Yarpnews that he was only preying on unsuspecting kittens because he mistakenly believed that people keep their cash in a ‘kitty’. What a douche bag.

Advertisements

Dr Dolittle’s dog is dead

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on January 28, 2014 at 12:34 pm
Dr Dolittle's dead dog, Dave

Dr Dolittle’s dead dog, Dave

In a shocking story just in, we learn the tragic news that Dr Dolittle’s dog, Dave is dead

“He called me a bastard, so I stabbed him,” explained the distraught Doctor.

Regular readers will have fond memories of Dave (12) and his crazy sense of humor, which sadly appears to have aided his demise.

When asked why he simply didn’t send Dave to his basket, Dr Doolittle replied, “I could never do that to Dave, he was far too sophisticated, and he would always successfully argue that is was demeaning for him to be treated like a dog. He was a bad dog.”

It would appear that talking to the animals isn’t all it was cracked up to be. Unfortunately, it lead to Dave’s dog days being over. RIP Dave, you’ll be sadly missed.

 

Dr Dolittle wants a new dog

In an unrelated story, Dr Dolittle has today advertised for a new dog.

It seems the multi-lingual doctor is looking for a dumb leggy blonde Labrador aged between 2 and 5 years who enjoys long walks, cozy nights in and stimulating conversation, they must also like athletically chasing small sticks, eating sausages and be willing to answer to the name ‘Dave’.

Dr Dolittle is hoping that this new relationship can lead to something more than just friendship.

 

The animal kingdom is laughing at us behind our backs

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

A laughing labrador

Cat and dog owners may already suspect it, but after years of exhaustive research, scientists can categorically prove that the animal kingdom is laughing at us behind our backs.

Suspicions began to rise in the 1880’s when Lord Frederick Von Freely-Robsland III thought he heard a fox giggle. No one at the time believed Lord Von Freely-Robsland III, but the upper crust don’t take kindly to being laughed at and this apparent incident spawned the very first fox hunt.

A little chortling cat

Years later and Professor Robin Watcher from UCLA was doing some tests on small rabbits when he heard one of them snigger.

“I was having a difficult time in the lab,” explained Professor Watcher. “I was all fingers and thumbs that day and I managed to drop all my notes on the floor. When I bent over to pick them up I split my pants and that’s when I distinctly heard a rabbit snigger.

“This of course set my mind racing and set me off one a whole new course of research.”

A sniggering seal

Professor Watcher then went on to carefully study as many animals as he possibly could.

“What I discovered was absolutely amazing. Not only do wild animals laugh at us, but it seems that domestic pets have a highly sophisticated sense of humor. If you have never seen your dog or cat laugh then either you are not looking closely enough, or they are using their poker skills on you – they have excellent poker faces you know.

“I believe that domestic animals are extremely fun loving. They find old people particularly funny and tend to gravitate towards them. They really love old people, but they like the rest of us too.

And an hysterical Polar Bear

“They are constantly playing jokes on us. One joke they really like to play is to pretend they can see or hear something that their owners can’t. They love to see the scared and confused look on our faces – that really cracks them up.”

Unfortunately for Professor Watcher, the scientific journal The Lancet has refused to publish his findings.

“It is very frustrating,” admitted Professor Watcher. “It seems that they don’t want to believe me. They would rather believe in UFOs although there is no scrap of proof.  I have all these photos and documented evidence but confront them with laughing animals and they don’t want to know.”

Rock and roll to save the Dachshund

In Crazy YarpNews on March 17, 2011 at 3:38 pm

The dachshund is in danger of extinction

Liam Gallagher places his first order for two dachshunds

Life for a hard core rock and roll star is pretty hectic. Not only is most of your day filled with wild gigs, wild women and wild parties, but you also have to find time to perfect your surly, couldn’t care less attitude and practice swearing and punching photographers.

So you wouldn’t expect ex-Oasis front man and lead singer of the group Beady Eye, Liam Gallagher, the baddest and surliest of all lead singers ever to be in Oasis, to have the time to get all gooey and sentimental about a sausage dog.

 But it seems that for all his rude finger gestures, Liam Gallagher is a soft, squidgy bunny at heart, as he has recently jumped up to defend the Dachshund.

 Dachshund, sausage dogs, wiener dogs, hot dogs with legs; whatever you call them, the short legged, long bodied hound is in decline.

It seems that the German’s have got bored with the wiener dog and the latest rise in popularity of the tasty Asian hot dog has left the poor Dachshund in danger of extinction. But luckily for the breed, Liam and his wife Nicola Appleton are big fans.

“Extinction of sausage dogs?” cried Mr Gallagher upon hearing the news. “I will prevent that! When I’m back in England I am gonna buy 900 of them. I am gonna prevent them from downfall.”

Phew, thank god for that. Long live rock and roll!

Dirty monk’s dirty habit gets him in to trouble

In Crazy YarpNews on January 23, 2011 at 1:28 pm

In this latest strange but true story, a bad Buddhist monk had a stroke after he was caught having sex with a temple dog behind Sam Toei Temple in Pitsanuloke, Thailand.

Villagers were drawn to the scene by the howls of protest from the dog, which the monk had tied to a tree. After seeing the monk with the poor pooch the villagers called the police.

All the excitement was obviously too much for the 65-year-old monk to take because by the time officers arrived on the scene he was lying unconscious next to the animal. A bottle of dishwashing liquid was found next to him, presumably for use as a makeshift lubricant.

Rescuers rushed the monk to hospital, where he remains in a coma. Doctors said he had suffered a stroke and are not sure if he will survive. The monk was identified as Phoopan Chitupanarso. The Abbot of Wat Sam Toei, said Phoopan had been at the temple for only a few days.

Temple authorities were allegedly already preparing to ask him to leave because he had refused to provide references from his former temple and because he smelt like wet dog.

Police did not say what Phoopan would be charged with if he regains consciousness but there have been sniffs of a rumor about unpawful entry.

Dirty dogs caught ‘humaning’

In Crazy YarpNews on January 14, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Two Shih Tzus and a Bulldog were caught in the explicit act of ‘humaning’ in a car park at the back of Milton Keynes industrial estate late last night. Having escorted their owners on long walks around dark car parks, the dogs had apparently become intrigued by the human version of outdoor exhibitionism know as ‘dogging’ and decided to have a go themselves.

The trio of lusty critters were said to have been engaged in a bit of one on one in the back of a Ford Escort, when police swooped. One of the Shih Tzus was acting as look out as the other dirty dogs got down to it, missionary style watched by a handful of other horny hounds. The police, acting on a tip off, arrived ten minutes after the pair were seen getting into the back of the car. However, by the time the offices reached the car park ‘the act’ was over and the pair were discovered engaging in a leisurely Mulborough Light cigarette.

The dogs are being held under caution for breaching the non smoking act.

The Bulldog’s owner later commented, “I hope they used protection as a cross between a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu would be… interesting!”

%d bloggers like this: