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Posts Tagged ‘England’

Kids riot over Cadbury’s shrinking chocolate

In Crazy YarpNews on April 24, 2014 at 12:52 pm

Cadbury’s shrinking chocolate

In every kindergarten and nursery throughout the UK there is a scene of utter devastation. Riots have broken out everywhere. There has been hair pulling, crying, foot stamping, spitting, kicking – the works, all thanks to Cadbury’s owners Kraft Foods announcing that they are shrinking their chocolate bars.

When they heard the shocking news that Cadburys’ are reducing the size of all their chocolate including making tiny Creme Eggs even smaller, providing two less chunks of chocolate in a bar of Dairy Milk and 9 less Malteasers in a packet, the tiny toddlers went berserk and chucked all their toys out of the pram.

A spokesman for the rioters couldn’t talk, but his Mum said, “At first we thought everyone was just a little over tired, didn’t we darling? Mummy thought Booboo was too tired to play? But then we heard the awful news, didn’t we sweetie? Mummy soon understood why everyone was crying, didn’t she? Mummy was so disgusted and upset that Mummy started crying too. Mummy can’t believe that they are taking away our sweet, delicious chocolate. Mummy thinks Cadburys are rotten, crafty bastards.”

Detective Chief Inspector, Anton Adungheep said, “It’s horrible out there. There are red, dribbley faces everywhere. There is snot and bubbles indiscriminately oozing from noses. And I can tell you the noise is bloody deafening and it just goes on and on and on. It really reminds me of the Ribena Riots of 1983, when they announced that they would be taking sugar out of Ribena. It was a mess then and it’s a mess now. I have a team of men on standby, ready to deploy naughty steps, hopefully we will get this situation back under control.  But I would like to ask Cadbury’s what the hell they think are doing, don’t they realise how many people they are hurting. Why can’t they leave our chocolate alone?”

10 ways to find out if you’re an ‘old fart’

In Crazy YarpNews on April 21, 2014 at 1:29 pm

 

Are you an old fart?

Are you an old fart?

Employers in the UK have a new tool to help them work out if potential job candidates are lying about their age. The handout titled “Sorting the Wheat from the Chaff or How to work out if the person you are interviewing is an lying old git”, is the brain child of the British Bureau concerned with Fabricated Untruths Clouding Key Employees Records (F.U.C.K.E.R)

The F.U.C.K.E.R Bureau suggests that interviewers use a simple questionnaire during each interview. The ten questions are said to be designed to catch out anyone who has lied about their age during the application process.  

Yarpnews has reprinted the ten questions below. See how well you do…

 

Can you remember life before the internet?

A)     Yes,   B)   No,   C) What is the internet?

Do you know who Little and Large are?

A)     Yes,   B)   No,   C) No, but I‘ll have a large one

Are you able to get a good night’s sleep on Christmas Eve?

A)     Yes,   B)  No,   C)  I’m usually drunk so every day is the same as the next

Have you recently made a decision by saying ‘Ip, Dip, Dog shit’?

A)     No,    B)  Yes,   C)  No but I’ve dipped my shit in a dog

Have you ever seen white dog doo doo?

A)     Yes,   B)  No,  C)  I love any white shit

Were you ever a member of the Red Hand Gang?

A)     Yes/No, but I would have love to have been,   B)   Never heard of them,   C)  I have a red member in my hand

When someone says “Why Don’t You?” Do you want to say “Switch off the television set and go and out and do something less boring instead?”

A)     Yes,   B)  No,    C)  When someone says “Why Don’t You?” I want to say “Fuck off!”

What time is Crackerjack?

A)     Friday, 5 to 5,   B)  Um?   C)  I’m on crack jack, so anytime!

Do you remember when bringing a weapon to school meant being caught with a catapult?

A)     Yes,    B)  No,   C)  I’m never without my piece

Have you double dared anyone recently?

A)     No,   B)   Yes,   C)   Nah, but I just downed a few doubles

 

The F.U.C.K.E.R Bureau advise that if the candidate’s answers are mostly As they are ‘old farts’ and the employer should be wary of them as they are probably lying about their age. If their answers contain more Bs then they are definitely young enough to go foreword to see the interview panel and if anyone answers any of the Cs they should not be employed and where possible immediately escorted from the building.

 

Secrets under the Bearskin – the truth about the Queen’s Guard

In Crazy YarpNews, World on March 24, 2014 at 12:38 pm

Four Queen’s Guards – can you spot the one going to the toilet?

In his new book ‘Under the Bearskin – the naked truth about the Queen’s Guard’, Historian Dayan Yearspass reveals some shocking secrets behind the ancient ceremony of Changing the Guard at Buckingham Palace.

The responsibility of guarding the Sovereign by the Household Troops (as they were known at the time) dates back to the time of Henry VII (1485-1509). Surprisingly, during Henry’s reign Changing of the Guard was actually called the Changing of the Gourd, a title referring to the large marrows or gourds that the watchmen originally wore as protection on their heads. Of course the gourds being vegetables, they would only last a few days before they would begin to rot and so needed changing.

At the time having a rotting vegetable on your head was a great test for you manliness and so the guards would remain as still as possible despite being covered in stinking marrow and flies. The soldiers therefore gained a reputation for being fantastic at standing still and ignoring annoying pests – hence their descendents can easily ignore a coach load of tourists.

Over the years the gourd was replaced by the now traditional bearskin cap. Nowadays the standard bearskin of the British Foot Guards is 18 inches tall, weighs one and a half pounds and is made from the fur of a defenseless Canadian black bear.

The Queen’s Guard customarily wear a full-dress uniform consisting of a red tunic, black bearskins cap and black military trousers. The trousers or pants of the modern guards still hide one secret, one which allows them to remain as still as possible during their many hours standing on guard. The army have equipped each guardsman with a device they call a Disposable, Individually-wrapped, Army Personnel Excretion Receptacle or D.I.A.P.E.R.

Dayan Yearspass has created a great book, full of interesting tit bits and strange facts. Open the pages and the imagery is so evocative that you can almost catch the smell of the rotting gourds and disposable, individually-wrapped, army personnel excretion receptacles.

The three little pigs are wanted by the law

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 3, 2014 at 12:23 pm

The three little piggies wanted by the cops

In a story reminiscent of the age-old fairy tale, three little Vietnamese pot bellied pigs have escaped from a farm in Southampton, England and are currently running amok within the city.

It would seem that a domestic dispute amongst the pigs owners lead to some swine leaving the pigs’ pen open and the three porkers took this as their cue to hit the road.

A spokesperson for the RSPCP said, “It’s a nightmare, as soon as they were free they split up. One little pig went to market, while another headed to town, while the third went off to look for some roast beef. They keep running into the roads, causing chaos with the traffic. We cannot have pigs in the city… at least not real ones.”

Hopefully, the pigs will be rounded up soon. Workers on the farm are preparing for their return, making each of them a new pen.

“We have spared no expense. We have used wood, brick and straw, materials they are already familiar with. They will be really impressed by their new accommodation. They should be as happy as pigs in shit in there. We just need a big bad wolf now to huff and puff and make them cry ‘wee, wee, wee’ all the way home.

The police are urging the public to get involved in the hunt and ask to be contacted should any pig be sighted. However they are advising people to be careful how they report the news to the emergency services operators.

“Obviously using the word ‘pig’ in front of a police officer won’t go down too well,” admitted Chief Constable Bobby Deskman, “In fact if you mentioned the word ’pig’ to  our operators they are liable to put the phone down on you. So, I suggest that anyone spotting any of these fugitive bacon makers should refer to them as the ‘pork chops’ or the ‘rasher dashers’ or something similar that won’t offend the pigs… um… I mean the police.”


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