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Posts Tagged ‘fat’

Mobile music for the masses

In Crazy YarpNews on July 15, 2016 at 8:23 pm

Old boys Si Desaddle and Lee Ninonkey aka Fat Boy Fat are back on tour!

Fans of eighties pop duo Si Desaddle and Lee Ninonkey aka Fat Boy Fat will be delighted to hear that the old boys are back on tour!

Armed with nothing more than a bicycle pump and a gallon of saddle salve, to help soothe any sores, the guys have reformed in order to bring their music to the masses. They plan to tour America first and then head to the UK and the rest of Europe after, weather permitting.

“For too long people have been listening to synthesised drivel that hardly passes for real music,” stated Fat Boy Fat. “Our extensive tour will bring real music in its pure, raw form right to their doorsteps. We have many tour dates planned, so expect to see us in your neighbourhood soon!”

“We are both excited about our upcoming tour,” added Fat Boy’s pedal man and side kick Si Desaddle. “Personally I am very excited, but Fat Boy Fat is really excited – you will be able to see for yourself when you come to one of our shows.”

Throughout their tour the guys will be performing all of their classic hits including age-old favourites such as:

My lumps, my lovely lardy lumps
Blubber Lubber
Stuff my pie hole
Thunder, thunder, thunder thighs
Has anyone seen my spare tyre?
Lonely sausage

When asked about his decision to perform naked throughout the tour, Fat Boy Fat responded:

“If you got it flaunt it baby!”

Well said, Fat Boy Fat!

Revolutionary new slimming aid shrinks your head

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on February 21, 2014 at 5:12 pm

Eucaneatitol could prove popular with fat heads

Scientists have this week released the first results of clinical trials to test a new weight loss formula called ‘Eucaneatitol’. Eucaneatitol is revolutionary in that it is said to completely burn fat within a few days, making you instantly slimmer without you having to lift a finger.

However the potion, made from an intricate blend of rare cactus extract, royal jelly, mung beans, soy milk and hemorrhoid ointment doesn’t come without controversy. There are a few side effects, such as heart palpitations, breathing problems and headaches, but the main drawback is that so far it seems to only work on people’s heads.

“Well, it’s a start” shrugged Professor of Nutrition Lou Swaite from Lick Fork University. “Hopefully, long term use will see the effect work its way down the body.”

Despite this minor setback Professor Swaite and his colleagues are looking forward to launching Eucaneatitol on the market.

“I know having a pea sized head isn’t for everyone,” confessed Professor Swaite. “But on the plus side it means your mouth is a lot smaller, so you can’t eat that much and we think that will prove popular to some people. Also, tests have proven that it can reduce cholesterol, which everyone knows is a killer. So if all these factors don’t lead to Eucaneatitol being used as a slimming aid, we are sure that we can sell it to people with fat heads.”

Who ate all the flies – the Amazingly Fat Spider-Man

In Crazy YarpNews on August 7, 2011 at 11:37 am

Who ate all the flies?

A ripple of shock echoed around Hollywood this week when fans got a sneak peek behind the scenes of the new movie The Amazing Spider-Man, which is due to be released in summer 2012.

A recently released still from the movie shows the new star Andrew Garfield apparently dressed in Spidey’s black ‘Venom’ suit – and from the photograph it seems the role may have gone to Garfield’s head… and arms, legs and stomach.

A friend, who would only say his name was ‘Jon’ claimed to know Garfield very well: “I wouldn’t say Garfield is fat, but the last time he got on a Ferris wheel, the two guys on top starved to death.”

Some argue that a bigger-boned superhero would provide a more realistic role model for modern society.

“These days everyone is fat,” Chunky Mcfudgebuckets movie critic and true Spider-Man fan. “Kids are fatter, parents are fatter, hell even dogs are fatter. It only makes sense that Spider-Man would get fat too.”

However the studio is claiming that the image is an optical illusion caused by Spider-Man’s evil foe: ‘Venom’. Venom is a diabolical parasitic alien that takes the form of a Black Spider-Man suit. When Spider-Man puts on the evil ‘Venom’ suit strange and dangerous things happen.

“There is a scene in the new film where Venom makes Spidey think he’s just a sad, pathetic middle aged fat man standing in a drab suburban house,” said the Director of the new film, the amusingly named Mr Marc WEBB. “It’s a very powerful scene. Truly terrifying to watch – it’s gross in so many ways. My stomach is actually churning just thinking about it.”

Fat man explodes

In Crazy YarpNews on March 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

He was heard to say 'Just one more wafer-thin mint oreo blizzard' and then he exploded

This story is so tragic it might make you cry. Yarpnews is the first to bring you the unfortunate news that Phil Megut has exploded… to death.

Young Phil Megut first hit the headlines last week after he was discovered living alone on a very deserted desert island by a small group of Filipino fishermen. Mr Megut was the only survivor after his ship the SS Fat Guy was wrecked off the coast of India in 2009.

Following his dramatic rescue, Mr Megut returned to the Unites States and celebrated his home coming with a piece of pie.

He then allegedly, carried on celebrating in some of America’s top restaurants, including McDonalds, Wendys, Burger King, Subways, KFC, Krispy Kreme and Diary Queen.

Unfortunately, it seems that Mr Megut didn’t know his own limits and he kept on celebrating until he could celebrate no more.

Finally, last night, as Mr Megut was being escorted from Diary Queen he was heard to mutter, “Just one more wafer-thin mint Oreo blizzard”, and a few seconds later he exploded.

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