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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

When is a tail not a tail?

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 9, 2014 at 12:45 pm

If that’s not a tail between its legs, does it mean it’s pleased to see me?

When you’re a busy biologist, naming new species can be a bit of a drag. Not only do you have to come up with something interesting and relevant in English, but you also have to come up with another often unpronounceable Latin version for its scientific name.

The trouble with spending all your time naming things is you don’t have much time to check that the names you’ve been handing out are correct.

Consider the Ascaphus Truei, which is otherwise known as the Coastal Tailed Frog. Yes, it is a frog and yes, it does hang out near the coast, but hang on a minute, is that really a tail between it’s legs?

So, if it’s not a tail, what is that large appendage? Why, it’s the equipment that froggy went a-courting with!

And there is the rub. The poor little frog proudly drags his mighty manhood around, but gets no recognition for his talent, even though it can grow up to a quarter of the length of his body! That’s huge

Although the comparative size of the beast to its ‘tail’ is impressive, it’s not what you’ve got, but what you do with it that counts and here the Coastal Tailed Frog shines, as it is the master of wagging its ‘tail’.

“It actually swivels around to different positions,” said aquatic ecologist, Harry Toadlicker. “Also, they have sex in very cold water, which is not easy either.”

Fortunately, for the little frog, the ladies don’t seem to mind that his most unique attribute has been incorrectly named – the latest buzz around the fish pond is that there are a bevy of wide mouthed beauties keen to meet a coastal ‘tailed’ frog.

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Dr Doolittle makes FBI Most Wanted list

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 6, 2014 at 12:45 pm

Your money or your nine lives!

Dr Doolittle has finally made the FBI’s top ten Most Wanted list for crimes against the animal kingdom.

After committing numerous hideous crimes such as swindling squirrels out of their nuts, tricking elephants out of their swimming trunks and killing his own dog with a kitchen knife, Dr Doolittle has sunk to an even worse low. Yesterday he was involved in the brutal mugging of a defenceless kitten (aged 3 ½ weeks) at gunpoint.

The once adored animal whisperer had no excuse for this disgusting act of depravity, but he stated to Yarpnews that he was only preying on unsuspecting kittens because he mistakenly believed that people keep their cash in a ‘kitty’. What a douche bag.

Kim and penis-pillow shocker

In Crazy YarpNews, Naughty Yarpnews on June 2, 2014 at 12:13 pm
Kim Pillow

Kim Pillow

Shocking news just in: Everyone’s favourite curvy girl, Mrs Kim Kardashian-West has not launched a new range of home furnishings based on her striking silhouette.

There was no launch party at LA’s famous Opera nightclub and among those who did not attend were illustrious A-listers such as Cameron Diaz, Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert Downey Jr.  Paris Hilton was also not invited.

A spokesperson for the ‘Kim-me Hug-me’ pillow was not available for comment, but a non-spokesperson did admit that the similarity between the two was ‘terrifying’. While another said “I want to burn my eyes out.”

Controversy is rife with many people turning to social media to say, ‘WTF! I am so confused!’  What is clear is that whether the famous for being famous, Kardashian clan have cashed in on the unbelievable figure of their most well-known off-spring, or not, Kim does look like a penis-shaped pillow.

One observer said “It’s undeniable that Kim looks like a penis-shaped pillow. But I ask you which came first, Kim or the penis thing? It has to be coincidental, that or someone’s guilty of over stuffing.”

Another cock and ball story brought to you by Yarpnews.

 

Have you spotted the lesser spotted Googly-Eyed Google bird?

In Crazy YarpNews, World on May 30, 2014 at 1:04 pm

Site of where the googly-eyed google bird was supposedly last spotted

Bird watchers all over Canada have gone a flutter today over the recent sighting of one of the rarest birds in the world. The Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed bird (sometimes referred to as a Google) is a very unusual bird indeed. With its bright orange, yellow and blue plumage and massive googly-eyes, you would think a bird like that would be easy to spot, but the Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed Google is a master of disguise. So, when the folks of Watchusaw, Canada had a hint that a Googly-Eyed Google bird may be in their neighbourhood, everyone was clucking with excitement.

Unfortunately, for all the crazy twitchers the sighting appears to have been someone’s idea of a sick joke, because no one in Canada has managed to confirm the sighting, let alone capture a photo.

“Shame aboot that, eh?” said Chief Constable, Head Chef and Lord Mayor of Watchusaw, Duncan Headinabowl. “Still, nothing interesting ever happens here in Canada, and so we are pleased that nothing has changed.”

Hospital blunder gives growth hormone to back pain sufferer

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 27, 2014 at 4:20 pm

There’s something seriously wrong here!

Having spent six months in hospital after a serious back operation, Mr Ben Dover was looking forward to returning home to his family.

Unfortunately, instead of being administering a standard course of anti-inflammatory treatment, Mr Dover was given the wrong tablets, ones commonly used to help children with growth difficulties.

The hospital gaff was only noticed when Mr Dover could no longer fit into his hospital bed. It was then that hospital staff realised Mr Dover was at least two feet taller.

Mr Dover’s family are considering numerous ideas to help him with his unfortunate predicament. Ideas range from moving to Holland (where the average person’s height is well over six foot) to converting a church into a home so that Mr Dover can stand up at the ‘pointy’ end.

Mr Dover’s wife Eileen has hastily erected a large marquee in their back garden, so Mr Dover will at least have a roof over his head, even if it is a temporary one.

Mr Ben ‘lanky, streak of piss’ Dover has admitted that he quite likes his new found height and is currently awaiting trials for the N.B.A team the L.A Lakers. Proud wife, Mrs Eileen Dover said, “At least his height helps him with his favourite hobbies. He loves hand feeding giraffes, apple picking, collecting cats from high trees and looking into high windows late at night.”

Lady Gaga shows her Bean Face

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on May 24, 2014 at 12:45 pm

 

Lady Gaga shows her new Bean Face

Last night, pop star Lady Gaga once again shocked the world by wearing a Mr Bean inspired look to her local supermarket. The poker face pop star is well known for her unique fashion sense having controversially worn a meat bikini on the cover of Vogue Hommes Japan and a meat dress at the MTV Video Music Awards last year. Critics however, are warning that this time Lady Gaga has taken things a little too far.

“Lately, Lady Gaga has been having a hard time keeping her act ‘over the top,’” said Fashion Critic, Chase Infame (54). “Wearing a dress made out of cuts of dead cows is offensive enough but with this outfit she is, even by her own standards, taking a bit of a fashion risk. Mr Bean is a well loved TV character and parodying him is bound to cause a stir. She is in danger of offending many of Mr Bean’s fans.”

Indeed, Lady Gaga’s own fans will be left wondering what she has meant by this latest fashion statement.

“Maybe her new Bean Face is her way of saying she is as naive and gormless as Mr Bean,” suggested Chase Infame, “Or perhaps she is trying to apologise for her meat inspired outfits – I mean a bean is a vegetable after all.”

Ford’s new concept car The Confusion is driving people crazy

In Crazy YarpNews on May 21, 2014 at 1:49 pm

Push me, pull you – The Ford Confusion

This morning, in a magnificent ceremony held behind Debbie’s Donner Kebab’s in Scunthorpe, Ford launched their new concept car, The Confusion.

Although the all-new Confusion doesn’t look radically different from other cars, it has significant improvements in terms of fuel economy, seat belt length and interior carpeting. The cleverly evolved design gives the Confusion a fresh, masculine appearance, and yet it retains its unmistakably classic character. The concept is to give drivers a sense of security while confusing the hell out of car jackers, cops, traffic wardens and tailgaters. The spacious interior is designed to comfortably seat four, but with a bit of a squeeze you could maybe fit in three extra old people plus a dog.

Sharing the same bold, inspired look and power ability as a twelve speed Raleigh Shopper, the new Confusion also comes with Fords all-wheel drive system which, thanks to a handily located steering wheel, allows you to turn the car to the right as well as left.

Other advanced features like adaptive controls, lighting, keys and a windshield give the Confusion sideways driving ability. This unique feature helps the driver to avoid tight parallel parking spots forever. Going forward has become the new drifting sideways and drifting sideways has become the new driving forward.

If you love staring out of the window at the houses you pass by and you’re interested in standing out from the crowd, buy a new Confusion. You’d be an idiot not to.

The Ford Confusion, a smart car driven by an idiot.

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