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Posts Tagged ‘health’

Health Alert: Digestive biscuits cause indigestion on a Tuesday

In Crazy YarpNews on April 27, 2014 at 12:40 pm

 

Are digestives easy to digest?

Are digestives easy to digest?

The news may be a little difficult to digest,  but a new government report has highlighted a very real danger of indigestion when eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday. Research has apparently proven that you have an 85% chance of getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday, with only a 50% chance of you getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on any other day of the week.

Tuesdays are particularly rife with danger with one near fatal incident already recorded this year with two other incidents requiring a pat on the back.

The Watch Dog for Health and Safety “Do Not Do That” has expressed its concerns and recommends that all digestive biscuit packets carry public health warnings. “We think having the phrase ‘Danger of indigestion, limit ingestion particularly on a Tuesday as digestive biscuits may be hard to digest’ on every packet of digestive biscuits would save lives,” said spokeswoman Janice Runswivsissors.

“We need to alert the public to the dangers of digestive biscuit indigestion and prevent similar tragic events from ever happening on a Tuesday again.”

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Typo ruins public health

In Crazy YarpNews on January 24, 2014 at 12:15 pm

 

Would you air your health in public?

Would you air your health in public?

A proof-reading error has today cost the British National Health Service over $300 when the ‘L’ from the word ‘Public’ was inadvertently omitted from all of the Health Service’s publications, pubic notices and pubic health warnings.

“Me and my cow-orkers would like to sincerely apologize to the pubic at large for any embaresent we may have caused by this small but vitally important error,” said Pubic Relations Officer Mr Dickie Belly. “We wood like to give assurarses that we will thurughly chick furtue pubications to mike srue it nevar hoppens agin.” 

It’s official: laughing makes you sick

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment, Science/tech on July 13, 2011 at 10:10 am

Laughing can seriously damage your health

Have you got too many wrinkles? Is your belly flabby? Does your throat get sore? If the answer to all three is a resounding ‘yes’, then you could be suffering from too much happiness.

It’s a proven fact that over exertion of the laughing muscles creases the skin around your eyes, causes the belly to wobble and the constant stress of giggling can harm your throat. All of which is irreversible and seriously detrimental to your health.

Leading Scientist, Professor Peter Enis said “Although laughing makes you popular with your friends it can also make you look like a wrinkled old bullock with a voice like screeching Welsh songtress Bonnie Tyler’s.”

So think twice the next time you laugh because your friends may just be laughing at the sight and sound of your putrefied wheezing flesh, rather than your witty repartee.

The latest advice is to follow the example celebrity’s such as English footballer David Beckham’s  wife, Victoria ‘Posh’ Beckham and remain at all times as po-faced as possible.

So, the next time someone near you cracks a joke, punch them. And while you reside at Her Majesty’s pleasure, you can remain smug in the knowledge that your eyes are wrinkle free, stomach taut and your throat eased and rested.

Save our sick days – how to claim yours

In Crazy YarpNews on March 6, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Top employers are in crisis today after a recent report has highlighted that there has been a worrying decrease in employees taking sick days. It would seem that more and more people are letting the old standards slip by NOT taking a sickie.

“This is terrible news,” said Employment Minister Izzy Shirkin. “With everyone being forced to work more hours for less pay it is vital that workers continue to claim their full sick day entitlement. I can’t understand why anyone would NOT want to take a sick day, in my book that’s just sheer laziness. I mean even a school kid can think up an excuse to get some free time off.”

In order to help you make the most of your work week, Yarpnews has gathered together some top tips in sick day maintenance.

 

Top Tips in Sick Day Maintenance

Choose your weapon

It’s all about preparation. If you are going to fake an illness, make sure it’s a good one. If you want one or two days off, you will need your illness to work in that timeframe. It is no good claiming you have flu, leprosy, a fever, a cough, broken limb etc. Otherwise you will need to carry on acting ill (or actually break your leg) when you return to work.

Some GOOD illnesses to have are:

Diarrhea/stomach upset – a shitty excuse but nothing an employer will want to look into.

Period cramps – only works if you are female. Remember to only use this excuse once a month.

Urinary tract infection – sounds technical, involves toilets, and frightens employers.

Migraine – talk about seeing strange shapes and how bright lights hurt your eyes.

Nasal gleet – it involves chronic discharge and no one wants to know what that is.

Sebaceous cyst – getting something lanced is a good idea if you can get away with not having to book your ‘lancing’ in advance. Not many employers will fall for the emergency lancing ploy. Also remember to have your cysts somewhere prying eyes and poking fingers can’t find them.

 

Day before

Once you have chosen your illness, make sure to go around your workplace reporting the symptoms. Be sure to give your boss and work colleagues lots of gory details in your hourly updates. Once they have had a day of hearing all about your weeping sores, dripping mucous or gastric cramping, they will be really relieved when you take the following day off.

For extra effect you can apply some stage makeup to give yourself pale skin and dark circles under your eyes.

The brave, daring and better actors out there can also try the fake sick trick (using a tin of cold soup, which you ‘up chuck’ wherever you feel you will get the most dramatic effect). If you are good at this you will be sent straight home.

 

On the day

Whenever possible phone your boss to call in sick. When you make the call, lie down on your back and talk in a groggy voice. If you stand up you will sound too well.

Make your call saying, “Hi, I am not going to make it to work today as I have (INSERT ILLNESS HERE) and I feel terrible.”

Remember to choose an illness that you can recover from in just one day as flu, measles, leprosy etc won’t disappear overnight, so  if you choose one of them you’ll need to continue ‘acting’ when you do eventually return to work.

 

If your boss starts getting tetchy

If you suspect that your boss is cottoning on to your little scheme, it would be a good idea to actually go into work when you are really sick. Your boss won’t fail to be impressed by your ability to ‘soldier on’ regardless. After you have infected everyone at work, you can also have some real sick leave.

 

Emergency excuses

Of course, it is not always possible to be fully prepared and there will be occasions when you need to get away, right now, today. There are two fool proof methods of getting out of work right now:

1. Stage an emergency call from a worried neighbor. If possible, get the ‘worried one’ to call your boss or his/her assistant directly (“Oh, I’m sorry, have I got the wrong number… ) Get your fake caller to sound panicked about a flooded house, fire, car crash, tornado, burglary or any other emergency that needs you back home right now.

Make sure to look surprised when you first here the news from your boss/bosses assistant.

2. Tell your boss in you most serious and demanding  voice that you have to go home right now. If he/she questions why, whisper to them that you just farted and followed through. No more questions will be asked.

Are you suffering from Relgiousexia Nervosa?

In Crazy YarpNews on February 21, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Doctors have just discovered a new disorder they have called Religiousexia Nervosa. Suffers are said to have an inability to take responsibility for their own lives, preferring instead to turn everything over to a third, invisible entity.

“It’s a bit like when children have imaginary friends,” stated Professor Von Shitsunhimer of St Mary Meads University, Chippenham. “These people are obviously lacking something very important in their lives, things like love, companionship, friendship, sanity… so they create a fictional character. One that not only fills the void, but can also be blamed for everything that goes wrong in their lives. What we scientists call the “It wasn’t me, it was him” syndrome.

“Problems arise when the child grows up but continues this fixation on into their adult lives, which happens more than you might think. We see it politicians and the police all the time.

“There is a technical term for adults who tend to focus everything in their lives around their invisible friend but I can’t remember it, so I shall just refer to them as morons.  Well these morons actually believe that their invisible friend can influence all aspects of their lives, good and bad, and that it has the power to control their decisions and the outcome of their decisions. Religiousexia Nervosa is an obviously serious and very dangerous condition.”

As yet there is no known cause but scientists are working hard to try to beat this terrible disease.

“We are fearful that there are many undiagnosed suffers,” added Professor Von Shitsunhimer, “imagine the chaos of millions of the afflicted claiming that their lives are in the hands of their invisible friend.”

Send Yarpnews $10 now, so that we can join the fight against the terrible and crippling disease. Your money will be used to purchase drinks that are said to contain ‘spirits’. It is believed that if you imbibe enough of these magical ‘spirits’ you can counteract the effects of the affliction. With your help these ‘spirit’ drinks can be distributed amongst anyone who suddenly becomes overwhelmed by Religiousexia Nervosa.

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