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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Is there something dodgy about a moustache?

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 18, 2014 at 1:01 pm

Moustaches – good, bad or ugly?

As everyone knows a moustache or mustache is a bit of hair that is usually found perched on the wearer’s top lip, growing just below their nose. Some people hate the scrubby piece of facial fuzz, claiming it is unhygienic and that the wearer must have something to hide. Other’s love their mouth brow so much that they enter competitions to see if they can win the ‘loveliest lip rug’ award. Whether you love them or hate them, have you ever wondered what a moustache says about its wearer?

Well the students at Tash City University in Hairy Lip, Virginia, were very interested in discovering who the snot mop supporters were and after ten years of research, they can finally publicise their findings… which are very interesting indeed.

It turns out that moustache wearers tend to come in two distinct categories: either you are a dodgy tash wearing criminal or a proud member of law enforcement with facial fuzz. The study found that the other few percent of moustache wearers were either gay men or little old ladies.

“It’s really odd,” admitted Professor Les Shavin, “in the majority of cases, a man who wears a moustache is either serving the law or is about to break it. It does make you wonder about the idea that a moustache acts as some kind of disguise, as it would work in both cases. I mean, either you are hiding from the law or you are hiding the fact that you are the law. It is a really fascinating way to look at whisker wearers.”

Online Graphing

GREEN = Criminals and ex-cons. RED = People involved in law enforcement. BLUE= Gay men. YELLOW = Little old ladies.

Now his study is complete, Professor Shavin is hoping to go on to study the correlation between hair on the top lip and that on the rest of the body.

“We are really looking forward to probing the depths to discover if men with mouth brows are generally hairier all over. You know, whether their tash is an indication that they also have hairy backs, noses, ears, bum cracks, that sort of thing. Our research will certainly be hair raising”

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Clowns – responsible for terrifying the shit out of everyone

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on May 7, 2014 at 11:44 am

At last, police capture the clown

The scourge of modern society, that has for years terrorized small children and adults alike, has at last been taken off our streets.

Following a series of dawn raids, the residents of Smileyberg, Illinois will be able to rest easy in their beds tonight. Because last night, the town’s Mayor, Buster Parade declared that being a clown was illegal and following his declaration, every clown, jester and circus fool in the area was rounded up and arrested.

The raids appear to have been triggered after some clown reportedly gave Mr Parade ‘the bird’. Mr Parade was then heard to say: /span>

“They must be joking if those red nosed bastards think they can keep getting away with this.” /span>

Following Mr Parades orders the police raided circus tents, parties, play grounds, children’s hospitals, fast food establishments, bars, strip clubs, homeless shelters and congress – anywhere you would expect to find a clown.

For some, the raids couldn’t come too soon.  There is growing evidence that clowns are not just leering freaks with abnormally big feet, but they are also responsible for a string of horrific murders as well as being a contributing factor to the nation’s increasing obesity.

With a cry of “Stop terrifying the shit out of everyone!” The police rounded up all clowns, all clown supporters and anyone who was wearing too much make-up. The raids were successful as the Police managed to round up over 50 clowns, however several did escape in a wonky car, with one making a get-away on a tiny bike.

Ear-gasm – the orgasm for your ear

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 5, 2014 at 1:07 pm

Picking you ear may not be the most romantic of moves, but for many Vietnamese a good bit of probing in the ear department is a popular pastime that can elicit moans of pure pleasure. Why? Because the Vietnamese know an age-old secret – your ear has a G-spot and if it’s poked and tickled in just the right way… well let’s just say ‘hang on to your socks.’

Now, sticking things in your ear is never recommended, one slip and you could end up damaging something important like your ear drum, leaving you moaning in pain rather than ecstasy. However, for the highly trained girls and boys of the Hoc Tocs (the barber-like shops) in Vietnam, ear picking is an art. So much so that a good ear picker will gather quite a following.

Popular ear pickers will have men and women lining up around the block to experience their unorthodox probing. Using delicate metal scoops and tiny tweezers, the ear pickers will carefully clean inside their customer’s ears. As well as removing ear wax, their probing tickles a delicate spot near the ear drum. For some people it feels like a tickle, but for others it is akin to great sex. It is not unknown for people to experience what can only be described as ‘ear-gasms’. That may explain why some Vietnamese men don’t tell their wives when they pop out for some ear picking.

So, the next time you want to playfully lick your finger and stick it in your friend’s ear, just think, you may be giving him more than a wet willy!

Blue cartoon cat Doraemon invades ancient temple

In Crazy YarpNews on April 30, 2014 at 1:38 pm

Our cuddly hero Doraemon

Some people would be offended if you suggested painting Homer Simpson amongst the apostles, tucking into Leonardo Da Vinci’s The Last Supper. And try as you might, you’ll never get away with adding the image of Sponge Bob Square Pants on to Michael Angelo’s Creation of Adam in the Sistine Chapel. However, hidden amongst the ancient murals painted on the walls of a Buddhist temple in Thailand, you will find the popular Japanese cartoon character Doraemon.

For the uninitiated, Doraemon is a blue, earless robot cat from the 24th Century. The character first appeared in Manga comics in 1969 and has since starred in TV, films, musicals and video games. He was even called the ‘Cuddliest hero in Asia’ by Time Magazine.

Doraemon is hugely popular throughout Asia and Thai artist Rakkiat Lertjitsakun is extremely fond of him, so much so that he decided to add him and his schoolboy friend Nobita Nobi into his latest commission – the ancient murals on the walls of Wat Samp Pa Siew in Suphan Buri, Thailand.

Can you spot Doraemon?

“Inserting hidden messages into temple paintings is an age old tradition,” explained Rakkiat. “Years ago they would hide depictions of sex in the murals; nowadays it’s a blue cartoon robot cat.”

The inclusion of Doraemon has become a national sensation in Thailand. Many people think it’s a wonderful idea and they can’t wait to rush to the temple to look for him ‘Where’s Waldo’ style. Others are not so happy, with a few calling for the return of the old traditions.

Where’s Doraemon?

“If hiding images of sex in the murals was good enough for our grandparents, it should be good enough for us,’ complained Phat Maanruning. “We need a return to the old ways. Stop hiding blue cats in the murals and stick to hiding boobs and fanny.”

 

Health Alert: Digestive biscuits cause indigestion on a Tuesday

In Crazy YarpNews on April 27, 2014 at 12:40 pm

 

Are digestives easy to digest?

Are digestives easy to digest?

The news may be a little difficult to digest,  but a new government report has highlighted a very real danger of indigestion when eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday. Research has apparently proven that you have an 85% chance of getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday, with only a 50% chance of you getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on any other day of the week.

Tuesdays are particularly rife with danger with one near fatal incident already recorded this year with two other incidents requiring a pat on the back.

The Watch Dog for Health and Safety “Do Not Do That” has expressed its concerns and recommends that all digestive biscuit packets carry public health warnings. “We think having the phrase ‘Danger of indigestion, limit ingestion particularly on a Tuesday as digestive biscuits may be hard to digest’ on every packet of digestive biscuits would save lives,” said spokeswoman Janice Runswivsissors.

“We need to alert the public to the dangers of digestive biscuit indigestion and prevent similar tragic events from ever happening on a Tuesday again.”

Kids riot over Cadbury’s shrinking chocolate

In Crazy YarpNews on April 24, 2014 at 12:52 pm

Cadbury’s shrinking chocolate

In every kindergarten and nursery throughout the UK there is a scene of utter devastation. Riots have broken out everywhere. There has been hair pulling, crying, foot stamping, spitting, kicking – the works, all thanks to Cadbury’s owners Kraft Foods announcing that they are shrinking their chocolate bars.

When they heard the shocking news that Cadburys’ are reducing the size of all their chocolate including making tiny Creme Eggs even smaller, providing two less chunks of chocolate in a bar of Dairy Milk and 9 less Malteasers in a packet, the tiny toddlers went berserk and chucked all their toys out of the pram.

A spokesman for the rioters couldn’t talk, but his Mum said, “At first we thought everyone was just a little over tired, didn’t we darling? Mummy thought Booboo was too tired to play? But then we heard the awful news, didn’t we sweetie? Mummy soon understood why everyone was crying, didn’t she? Mummy was so disgusted and upset that Mummy started crying too. Mummy can’t believe that they are taking away our sweet, delicious chocolate. Mummy thinks Cadburys are rotten, crafty bastards.”

Detective Chief Inspector, Anton Adungheep said, “It’s horrible out there. There are red, dribbley faces everywhere. There is snot and bubbles indiscriminately oozing from noses. And I can tell you the noise is bloody deafening and it just goes on and on and on. It really reminds me of the Ribena Riots of 1983, when they announced that they would be taking sugar out of Ribena. It was a mess then and it’s a mess now. I have a team of men on standby, ready to deploy naughty steps, hopefully we will get this situation back under control.  But I would like to ask Cadbury’s what the hell they think are doing, don’t they realise how many people they are hurting. Why can’t they leave our chocolate alone?”

10 ways to find out if you’re an ‘old fart’

In Crazy YarpNews on April 21, 2014 at 1:29 pm

 

Are you an old fart?

Are you an old fart?

Employers in the UK have a new tool to help them work out if potential job candidates are lying about their age. The handout titled “Sorting the Wheat from the Chaff or How to work out if the person you are interviewing is an lying old git”, is the brain child of the British Bureau concerned with Fabricated Untruths Clouding Key Employees Records (F.U.C.K.E.R)

The F.U.C.K.E.R Bureau suggests that interviewers use a simple questionnaire during each interview. The ten questions are said to be designed to catch out anyone who has lied about their age during the application process.  

Yarpnews has reprinted the ten questions below. See how well you do…

 

Can you remember life before the internet?

A)     Yes,   B)   No,   C) What is the internet?

Do you know who Little and Large are?

A)     Yes,   B)   No,   C) No, but I‘ll have a large one

Are you able to get a good night’s sleep on Christmas Eve?

A)     Yes,   B)  No,   C)  I’m usually drunk so every day is the same as the next

Have you recently made a decision by saying ‘Ip, Dip, Dog shit’?

A)     No,    B)  Yes,   C)  No but I’ve dipped my shit in a dog

Have you ever seen white dog doo doo?

A)     Yes,   B)  No,  C)  I love any white shit

Were you ever a member of the Red Hand Gang?

A)     Yes/No, but I would have love to have been,   B)   Never heard of them,   C)  I have a red member in my hand

When someone says “Why Don’t You?” Do you want to say “Switch off the television set and go and out and do something less boring instead?”

A)     Yes,   B)  No,    C)  When someone says “Why Don’t You?” I want to say “Fuck off!”

What time is Crackerjack?

A)     Friday, 5 to 5,   B)  Um?   C)  I’m on crack jack, so anytime!

Do you remember when bringing a weapon to school meant being caught with a catapult?

A)     Yes,    B)  No,   C)  I’m never without my piece

Have you double dared anyone recently?

A)     No,   B)   Yes,   C)   Nah, but I just downed a few doubles

 

The F.U.C.K.E.R Bureau advise that if the candidate’s answers are mostly As they are ‘old farts’ and the employer should be wary of them as they are probably lying about their age. If their answers contain more Bs then they are definitely young enough to go foreword to see the interview panel and if anyone answers any of the Cs they should not be employed and where possible immediately escorted from the building.

 

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