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Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Dr Doolittle makes FBI Most Wanted list

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 6, 2014 at 12:45 pm

Your money or your nine lives!

Dr Doolittle has finally made the FBI’s top ten Most Wanted list for crimes against the animal kingdom.

After committing numerous hideous crimes such as swindling squirrels out of their nuts, tricking elephants out of their swimming trunks and killing his own dog with a kitchen knife, Dr Doolittle has sunk to an even worse low. Yesterday he was involved in the brutal mugging of a defenceless kitten (aged 3 ½ weeks) at gunpoint.

The once adored animal whisperer had no excuse for this disgusting act of depravity, but he stated to Yarpnews that he was only preying on unsuspecting kittens because he mistakenly believed that people keep their cash in a ‘kitty’. What a douche bag.

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Have you spotted the lesser spotted Googly-Eyed Google bird?

In Crazy YarpNews, World on May 30, 2014 at 1:04 pm

Site of where the googly-eyed google bird was supposedly last spotted

Bird watchers all over Canada have gone a flutter today over the recent sighting of one of the rarest birds in the world. The Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed bird (sometimes referred to as a Google) is a very unusual bird indeed. With its bright orange, yellow and blue plumage and massive googly-eyes, you would think a bird like that would be easy to spot, but the Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed Google is a master of disguise. So, when the folks of Watchusaw, Canada had a hint that a Googly-Eyed Google bird may be in their neighbourhood, everyone was clucking with excitement.

Unfortunately, for all the crazy twitchers the sighting appears to have been someone’s idea of a sick joke, because no one in Canada has managed to confirm the sighting, let alone capture a photo.

“Shame aboot that, eh?” said Chief Constable, Head Chef and Lord Mayor of Watchusaw, Duncan Headinabowl. “Still, nothing interesting ever happens here in Canada, and so we are pleased that nothing has changed.”

Hospital blunder gives growth hormone to back pain sufferer

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 27, 2014 at 4:20 pm

There’s something seriously wrong here!

Having spent six months in hospital after a serious back operation, Mr Ben Dover was looking forward to returning home to his family.

Unfortunately, instead of being administering a standard course of anti-inflammatory treatment, Mr Dover was given the wrong tablets, ones commonly used to help children with growth difficulties.

The hospital gaff was only noticed when Mr Dover could no longer fit into his hospital bed. It was then that hospital staff realised Mr Dover was at least two feet taller.

Mr Dover’s family are considering numerous ideas to help him with his unfortunate predicament. Ideas range from moving to Holland (where the average person’s height is well over six foot) to converting a church into a home so that Mr Dover can stand up at the ‘pointy’ end.

Mr Dover’s wife Eileen has hastily erected a large marquee in their back garden, so Mr Dover will at least have a roof over his head, even if it is a temporary one.

Mr Ben ‘lanky, streak of piss’ Dover has admitted that he quite likes his new found height and is currently awaiting trials for the N.B.A team the L.A Lakers. Proud wife, Mrs Eileen Dover said, “At least his height helps him with his favourite hobbies. He loves hand feeding giraffes, apple picking, collecting cats from high trees and looking into high windows late at night.”

Is there something dodgy about a moustache?

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 18, 2014 at 1:01 pm

Moustaches – good, bad or ugly?

As everyone knows a moustache or mustache is a bit of hair that is usually found perched on the wearer’s top lip, growing just below their nose. Some people hate the scrubby piece of facial fuzz, claiming it is unhygienic and that the wearer must have something to hide. Other’s love their mouth brow so much that they enter competitions to see if they can win the ‘loveliest lip rug’ award. Whether you love them or hate them, have you ever wondered what a moustache says about its wearer?

Well the students at Tash City University in Hairy Lip, Virginia, were very interested in discovering who the snot mop supporters were and after ten years of research, they can finally publicise their findings… which are very interesting indeed.

It turns out that moustache wearers tend to come in two distinct categories: either you are a dodgy tash wearing criminal or a proud member of law enforcement with facial fuzz. The study found that the other few percent of moustache wearers were either gay men or little old ladies.

“It’s really odd,” admitted Professor Les Shavin, “in the majority of cases, a man who wears a moustache is either serving the law or is about to break it. It does make you wonder about the idea that a moustache acts as some kind of disguise, as it would work in both cases. I mean, either you are hiding from the law or you are hiding the fact that you are the law. It is a really fascinating way to look at whisker wearers.”

Online Graphing

GREEN = Criminals and ex-cons. RED = People involved in law enforcement. BLUE= Gay men. YELLOW = Little old ladies.

Now his study is complete, Professor Shavin is hoping to go on to study the correlation between hair on the top lip and that on the rest of the body.

“We are really looking forward to probing the depths to discover if men with mouth brows are generally hairier all over. You know, whether their tash is an indication that they also have hairy backs, noses, ears, bum cracks, that sort of thing. Our research will certainly be hair raising”

Rare species of shark spotted off the coast of Devon

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on May 12, 2014 at 1:47 pm

Rare sighting of manko shark

A British couple were in for a shock yesterday tea time when a Manko Shark swam just metres from the shore at Insewage in Devon.

“I was about to go in for a paddle when up it popped,” explained father of seven and full time invalidity benefit collector, Rob Yamoma (29). “I could tell it was aggressive, just by the evil look it was giving my Mrs.  I ran about shouting ‘SHARK!’  and I am sure I scared it off. I probably saved a lot of lives today.”

Rob Yamoma’s companion and baby moma, Dizzy Bird (25) added, “Me and Rob were alone on the beach when this flipping great shark reared up out of the water, straight in front of us. It scared the pants off me… It frightened Rob so much he started crying.”

Experts identified the creature as an endangered manko, which although potentially dangerous, is not known to have attacked anyone in British waters. Mankos are one of the fastest and most agile of sharks, capable of jumping fully out of the water.

Cliff Walker (37) from the Seaside Trust, who saw the creature, said he thought the animal may have been injured.

“It was behaving oddly, on occasions it almost beached itself and I got the impression it was not well. This species sometimes visits the Devon coastline, although it does not usually venture so close to the shore.”

Insewage Beach was open today but officials are advising swimmers to remain cautious.

“No-one should be concerned,” continued Mr Walker. “Attacks around here are almost unheard of, so if anyone else gets bitten it wouldn’t be the first time.”

The manko can be found in very small numbers all over the world. It mostly eats fish and chips and peas with plenty of salt, vinegar and red sauce.

Clowns – responsible for terrifying the shit out of everyone

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on May 7, 2014 at 11:44 am

At last, police capture the clown

The scourge of modern society, that has for years terrorized small children and adults alike, has at last been taken off our streets.

Following a series of dawn raids, the residents of Smileyberg, Illinois will be able to rest easy in their beds tonight. Because last night, the town’s Mayor, Buster Parade declared that being a clown was illegal and following his declaration, every clown, jester and circus fool in the area was rounded up and arrested.

The raids appear to have been triggered after some clown reportedly gave Mr Parade ‘the bird’. Mr Parade was then heard to say: /span>

“They must be joking if those red nosed bastards think they can keep getting away with this.” /span>

Following Mr Parades orders the police raided circus tents, parties, play grounds, children’s hospitals, fast food establishments, bars, strip clubs, homeless shelters and congress – anywhere you would expect to find a clown.

For some, the raids couldn’t come too soon.  There is growing evidence that clowns are not just leering freaks with abnormally big feet, but they are also responsible for a string of horrific murders as well as being a contributing factor to the nation’s increasing obesity.

With a cry of “Stop terrifying the shit out of everyone!” The police rounded up all clowns, all clown supporters and anyone who was wearing too much make-up. The raids were successful as the Police managed to round up over 50 clowns, however several did escape in a wonky car, with one making a get-away on a tiny bike.

Ear-gasm – the orgasm for your ear

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 5, 2014 at 1:07 pm

Picking you ear may not be the most romantic of moves, but for many Vietnamese a good bit of probing in the ear department is a popular pastime that can elicit moans of pure pleasure. Why? Because the Vietnamese know an age-old secret – your ear has a G-spot and if it’s poked and tickled in just the right way… well let’s just say ‘hang on to your socks.’

Now, sticking things in your ear is never recommended, one slip and you could end up damaging something important like your ear drum, leaving you moaning in pain rather than ecstasy. However, for the highly trained girls and boys of the Hoc Tocs (the barber-like shops) in Vietnam, ear picking is an art. So much so that a good ear picker will gather quite a following.

Popular ear pickers will have men and women lining up around the block to experience their unorthodox probing. Using delicate metal scoops and tiny tweezers, the ear pickers will carefully clean inside their customer’s ears. As well as removing ear wax, their probing tickles a delicate spot near the ear drum. For some people it feels like a tickle, but for others it is akin to great sex. It is not unknown for people to experience what can only be described as ‘ear-gasms’. That may explain why some Vietnamese men don’t tell their wives when they pop out for some ear picking.

So, the next time you want to playfully lick your finger and stick it in your friend’s ear, just think, you may be giving him more than a wet willy!

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