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Posts Tagged ‘money’

Budget airline suggests you keep your kids in the overhead lockers

In Crazy YarpNews on April 15, 2014 at 2:39 pm

 

Save room and money keeping your kids in the overhead locker.

Save room and money keeping your kids in the overhead locker.

Skyan Air, the no thrills, low budget airline have come up with several ingenious ways to save their customers even more money. Well known for charging nothing except a teeny-weeny $1 for a seat to the other side of the world (plus $5 seatbelt duty, $2 washroom fee, $10 for any item of hand luggage, $40 per suitcase, $16 per PB&J sandwich and apple lunch pack, $10 per mile flight tax, $50 runway tax, $100 airport tax, $30 fuel surcharge and $50 handling and administration fee per person). The Walmart of the air is now offering parents who fly with children the chance to take part in a special promotion.

This latest budget brainwave offers customers the opportunity to save money by putting their children in their overhead lockers.

We think this promotion will give travelling parents a range of flexible options. Putting your child in the overhead locker will of course be cheaper than buying it a seat. It will also put any parents mind at rest because throughout the flight they know exactly where their child is – above their heads. We just warn parents to mind their heads whilst opening the overhead lockers as the contents are liable to fall out.

Just another money saving opportunity for Skyan Air passengers.

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Save money on cheap flights by holding your breath

In Crazy YarpNews, World on March 27, 2014 at 12:04 pm

 

Smiling through the tears

Smiling through the tears

Skyan Air, the no thrills, low budget airline have come up with some very clever ways to save their customers even more money. Well known for charging nothing except a an itty-bitty $1 for a seat to the other side of the world (plus $5 seatbelt duty, $2 washroom fee, $10 for any item of hang luggage, $40 per suitcase, $16 per PB&J sandwich and apple lunch pack, $10 per mile flight tax, $50 runway tax, $100 airport tax, $30 fuel surcharge and $50 handling and administration fee per person). The Pound Shop of the air are now offering any flyers who can hold their breath, the chance to save money on their flight.

Willie Land, spokesmen for Skyan Air said, “As we all know fresh air is expensive – well at least the good stuff you can breathe is, and we don’t think it is fair to make those customers who use less air to pay as much, if not more than those who gulp it down, like its, um…air. Therefore, although we plan to continue giving all our customers free air, we are asking those who use more than the designated 12 breaths a minute to purchase a ‘breath pack’.

“Handily located above your head each ‘breath pack’ will fall from the ceiling whenever the airline feels you have exhausted your allocated breathing allowance. Each ‘breath pack’ costs only $50 and provides enough air to last the average person approximately one half hour. If, during your flight your ‘breath pack’ runs dry you can easily obtain more air by inserting 25 cents into the conveniently located slot in your arm rest and that will buy you a few extra quick gasps.”

The airline is advising heavy breathers, asthma sufferers, incessant talkers and those who are prone to hyper-ventilating to purchase a triple breath pack – for only $139.95.

Just another money saving opportunity for Skyan Air passengers.

 

Everyone resign… it’s good for the country

In Crazy YarpNews on March 22, 2011 at 1:52 pm

The clever, but obviously a bit smelly, Mr Simon Cowell

Top celebrity and music mogul Simon Cowell is not such a towel as everyone makes out. Our undercover reporter Vikki Leeks has discovered a little project he has hidden under his very high belt called: How to save Britain’s failing economy.

According to our sources Mr Cowell is clever yet simple and so is his proactive approach to reducing Britain’s dangerously high unemployment statistics.

It works like this: Under British law people who resign do not qualify for unemployment benefit for at least six months. So a resignation does not instantly affect the unemployment statistics. The vacant position can now be filled by someone who is unemployed, thus reducing the number of people who are claiming unemployment benefit.

Some may argue that Mr Cowell’s plan is just a fancy ploy to trick people into resigning from their jobs. However, Mr Cowell insists that his plan will have instant and positive effects.

“I would urge David Cameron and the other bloke who runs the country to really consider this course of action,” stated Mr Cowell. “I was just counting a small truck load of my money when I realized I could be worth a lot more money if the UK wasn’t so crap. So I said to myself, Simon, you beautiful man, it is up to you to fix things.”

Since making his announcement Mr Cowell has been ignoring politicians and talking to publishers. An insider said that there is a book in the pipeline in which Mr Cowell lays out his detailed plans for saving the British economy.

The book, titled ‘The Exit Factor’, is said to include tips about how to trick an employee into resigning, including how to successfully accuse the innocent of embezzlement, sexual harassment, workplace bullying etc., whatever it takes to force them to resign.

 

Evil is the root of all money

In Crazy YarpNews on March 13, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Oooh Eeeeevil!

Money is the big focus in most people’s lives. Money can bring happiness with one hand and utter devastation with the other. This was a concern that kept top linguist Professor Dick Shunnary up at night. So much so that he dedicated the last fifteen years to trying to understand ‘money’ and how it affects us all.  

 “We were interested in understanding ‘money’,“ explained Professor Dick Shunnary. “We reasoned that if we could get a good grasp on ‘money’, we could probably find an answer to all of the world’s problems.

“We began with the phrase “Money is the root of all evil”. We looked at that phrase from every angle and after a while decided that the word ‘evil’ was a good place as any to start our research.  

“So we took ‘evil’ and examined it very closely. Looking closely at ‘evil’ is not a nice job I can tell you. I mean ‘evil’ is a nasty customer but we did it and what we discovered opened our eyes to a lot of things.

“Everyone knows that ‘evil’ is bad. When there is evil in the world there is a lot of ‘hate’ around too. So from that we can conclude that ‘evil’ is strongly linked to ‘hate’.

“To hate someone is a crime and as every criminal knows crime leads to ‘time’ – usually five to twenty years.

“Time is never to be wasted. It is a valuable commodity. Everyone is fully aware that ‘time is money’.  If time is money, then time equals money.

“So, in other words:

“EVIL leads to HATE which leads to CRIME which leads to doing TIME which equals MONEY.

“Therefore, ‘evil’ is actually the root of all ‘money’.

“Once we discovered that, we knew we were really on to something big. If ‘evil’ is the root of all money, then it is all ‘evil’s’ fault.”

 

 

Bankers ‘Wangya’ to relax

In Crazy YarpNews on February 23, 2011 at 1:34 pm
 

A banker practicing the Wangya 'Ass Hat' position

Bankers all over the world have been having a real tough time of late. You may think that counting wads of cash, rejecting loan applications and plundering pension funds is an easy job, but according to the bosses at First National Bank for the Idle Rich in Connecticut it is not..

“The current economic climate is very stressful for us bankers,” Said Bank Manager, Takem Loot (55). “Not only do we have to sit about all day listening to the public whine on and on about how they’ve ‘got no money’, but we also have the stress of finding somewhere safe and secure for us to keep our insanely large bonuses without some bastard embezzling them. You can understand our dilemma.”

As everyone is aware, stress is a killer…some may argue that where the banks are concerned that can’t be a bad thing, but unfortunately the bankers themselves don’t see it that way. So, in order to save their sanity and their jobs, bank chiefs have implemented a series of morning exercises, explicitly designed to de-stress any banker.

The new exercise regime is based on an ancient form of yoga first practiced in Wanxian in China. The art of ‘Wangya’, as the exercise is now known, requires a great deal of balance and flexibility – something that doesn’t come easy to many bankers. Surprisingly however, there is one Wangya pose in particular that does come naturally to almost every banker. Known as ‘Lu Mao’ in ancient Chinese, the position ‘Ass Hat’ is very popular among the banking elite.

“We all love Wangya,” said banker Takem Loot. “There is nothing more satisfying than practicing Wangya every morning.  It gets the blood pumping and sets you up for the day and it doesn’t inconvenience our customers at all. The other day we were running late and some of us were still stuck in the ‘Ass Hat’ position when the bank opened and do you know what… not a single one of our customers noticed.”

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