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Posts Tagged ‘news’

Have you spotted the lesser spotted Googly-Eyed Google bird?

In Crazy YarpNews, World on May 30, 2014 at 1:04 pm

Site of where the googly-eyed google bird was supposedly last spotted

Bird watchers all over Canada have gone a flutter today over the recent sighting of one of the rarest birds in the world. The Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed bird (sometimes referred to as a Google) is a very unusual bird indeed. With its bright orange, yellow and blue plumage and massive googly-eyes, you would think a bird like that would be easy to spot, but the Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed Google is a master of disguise. So, when the folks of Watchusaw, Canada had a hint that a Googly-Eyed Google bird may be in their neighbourhood, everyone was clucking with excitement.

Unfortunately, for all the crazy twitchers the sighting appears to have been someone’s idea of a sick joke, because no one in Canada has managed to confirm the sighting, let alone capture a photo.

“Shame aboot that, eh?” said Chief Constable, Head Chef and Lord Mayor of Watchusaw, Duncan Headinabowl. “Still, nothing interesting ever happens here in Canada, and so we are pleased that nothing has changed.”

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Ear-gasm – the orgasm for your ear

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on May 5, 2014 at 1:07 pm

Picking you ear may not be the most romantic of moves, but for many Vietnamese a good bit of probing in the ear department is a popular pastime that can elicit moans of pure pleasure. Why? Because the Vietnamese know an age-old secret – your ear has a G-spot and if it’s poked and tickled in just the right way… well let’s just say ‘hang on to your socks.’

Now, sticking things in your ear is never recommended, one slip and you could end up damaging something important like your ear drum, leaving you moaning in pain rather than ecstasy. However, for the highly trained girls and boys of the Hoc Tocs (the barber-like shops) in Vietnam, ear picking is an art. So much so that a good ear picker will gather quite a following.

Popular ear pickers will have men and women lining up around the block to experience their unorthodox probing. Using delicate metal scoops and tiny tweezers, the ear pickers will carefully clean inside their customer’s ears. As well as removing ear wax, their probing tickles a delicate spot near the ear drum. For some people it feels like a tickle, but for others it is akin to great sex. It is not unknown for people to experience what can only be described as ‘ear-gasms’. That may explain why some Vietnamese men don’t tell their wives when they pop out for some ear picking.

So, the next time you want to playfully lick your finger and stick it in your friend’s ear, just think, you may be giving him more than a wet willy!

Health Alert: Digestive biscuits cause indigestion on a Tuesday

In Crazy YarpNews on April 27, 2014 at 12:40 pm

 

Are digestives easy to digest?

Are digestives easy to digest?

The news may be a little difficult to digest,  but a new government report has highlighted a very real danger of indigestion when eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday. Research has apparently proven that you have an 85% chance of getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday, with only a 50% chance of you getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on any other day of the week.

Tuesdays are particularly rife with danger with one near fatal incident already recorded this year with two other incidents requiring a pat on the back.

The Watch Dog for Health and Safety “Do Not Do That” has expressed its concerns and recommends that all digestive biscuit packets carry public health warnings. “We think having the phrase ‘Danger of indigestion, limit ingestion particularly on a Tuesday as digestive biscuits may be hard to digest’ on every packet of digestive biscuits would save lives,” said spokeswoman Janice Runswivsissors.

“We need to alert the public to the dangers of digestive biscuit indigestion and prevent similar tragic events from ever happening on a Tuesday again.”

Vice President in mix up with President of Vice

In Crazy YarpNews, World on April 6, 2014 at 12:33 pm

 

Vice Captain or Captain of Vice?

Vice Captain or Captain of Vice?

The courier service PH Hell, have today admitted that they have may have mistakenly delivered a parcel to Joe Biden, Vice President, The White House, West Wing instead of its intended recipient Mr Blow Bigguns, President of Vice, The White Ho House, West Wind.

The embarrassing mix up came to light when King of porn, Mr Bigguns realized that he and his lovely ‘ho’s’ had not received their regular monthly order for a mixed assortment of rubber bondage wear, a box of adjustable nipple clamps, a gimp mask and a range of whips. Concerned about his lack of delivery Mr Bigguns contacted the courier service only to be told that the parcel had already been delivered to the White House.

“It seems the delivery driver is a little dyslexic, so it’s easy to see how the confusion came about,” laughed Mr Bigguns.

In his defense, delivery driver Don Stopping said, “It’s not easy to read addresses at the best of times, but the handwriting on this particular parcel was very shaky and hard to read. Also, the address was written in ink and it had rained so all the words were blurry. It’s not my fault I couldn’t read it properly. Besides, I have delivered hundreds of similar boxes there in the past, so I thought this one was meant to go there too – how was I to know it was meant for a porn king?”

Strangely enough, despite PH Hell admitting their error a White House spokesperson denies that the White House or anyone in Joe Biden’s office has received any parcels, let alone any full of kinky gear intended for a porn king.

Whatever the truth is we may never know, but if it didn’t reach The White Ho House and it didn’t get delivered to The White House, what did happen to Mr Bigguns’ missing parcel?

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Mr Bigguns box of sex toys, please contact the White House and let them know.

Pee Toylet is whizz idea

In Crazy YarpNews on April 3, 2014 at 4:58 pm

Sega’s new Toylet, a game to be pissed on

If you spend too long on toilet breaks you may be accused of flushing your life down the pan, but soon, thanks to Sega’s new Toylet, male commuters in Japan will be able to play in the bathroom all day long.

Fortunately, Sega are not taking the piss, their new dimension in gaming includes a urinal based pressure sensor which allows users to control four different games.

The first is ‘Manneken Pis’ in which the amount of urine you just peed out is calculated.

Next is ‘Graffiti Eraser’ which lets you use your hose to pee-blast graffiti off of a wall. A dirty game but if you have a lot of urine you could clean up.

Probably not a game for gay Toylet players, ‘The North Wind and Her’ turns your piss into wind which can be used to blow off a woman’s dress.

Finally, ‘Milk from Nose’ allows you to go head to head with the guy who used the urinal before you. In this sumo-style game the characters blow milk from their noses and try to push each other out of the sumo ring. The guy who has the strongest pressure wins.

The urinals are still in development, but if you ‘head’ to Japan you may get a chance to pee and play sometime in the near future. In the meantime the rest of the world will have to make do with the old fashioned bathroom games that our grandparents used to play, favorites like‘Chasing a cigarette butt down the urinal’ and ‘Seeing how high you can pee up a wall.’

A fishy shoe tale to soothe your soul

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 30, 2014 at 11:34 am

Fish flops, the stinky shoes that soothe your soul

The very newest in footwear fashion is causing a storm on the cat walk and among cats in general because the latest look uses fish as its inspiration.

“I feel that most shoes have no soul,” simpered self absorbed Fashion Designer Fin Marlin, “it’s not my plaice to dis other designers, but my designs are not only inspired by fish, they are made from them.”

Mr Marlin’s range of shoes includes fish flops, herring bone sandals and red snapper stilettos.  The designer prides himself in using authentic materials and so each pair of shoes is genuinely unique.

“I only use real fish products in my designs. If you own a pair of my shoes you can guarantee that you will know that you are wearing a one-off original. They are so elite that most people can’t afford to wear them – you know you’ve made it when you’ve got your foot in a Marlin.”

Fortunately, for fashionistas Mr Marlins designs look, feel and smell like they have just come straight from the sea. So if you do manage to save up enough money to afford to buy a pair of Marlin shoes you will be able to confirm that they are original by the long line of cats that will suddenly show interest in your feet. The shoes are also bio-degradable and so if you ever get bored of them, you can always bury them in your garden 🙂

Save money on cheap flights by holding your breath

In Crazy YarpNews, World on March 27, 2014 at 12:04 pm

 

Smiling through the tears

Smiling through the tears

Skyan Air, the no thrills, low budget airline have come up with some very clever ways to save their customers even more money. Well known for charging nothing except a an itty-bitty $1 for a seat to the other side of the world (plus $5 seatbelt duty, $2 washroom fee, $10 for any item of hang luggage, $40 per suitcase, $16 per PB&J sandwich and apple lunch pack, $10 per mile flight tax, $50 runway tax, $100 airport tax, $30 fuel surcharge and $50 handling and administration fee per person). The Pound Shop of the air are now offering any flyers who can hold their breath, the chance to save money on their flight.

Willie Land, spokesmen for Skyan Air said, “As we all know fresh air is expensive – well at least the good stuff you can breathe is, and we don’t think it is fair to make those customers who use less air to pay as much, if not more than those who gulp it down, like its, um…air. Therefore, although we plan to continue giving all our customers free air, we are asking those who use more than the designated 12 breaths a minute to purchase a ‘breath pack’.

“Handily located above your head each ‘breath pack’ will fall from the ceiling whenever the airline feels you have exhausted your allocated breathing allowance. Each ‘breath pack’ costs only $50 and provides enough air to last the average person approximately one half hour. If, during your flight your ‘breath pack’ runs dry you can easily obtain more air by inserting 25 cents into the conveniently located slot in your arm rest and that will buy you a few extra quick gasps.”

The airline is advising heavy breathers, asthma sufferers, incessant talkers and those who are prone to hyper-ventilating to purchase a triple breath pack – for only $139.95.

Just another money saving opportunity for Skyan Air passengers.

 

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