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Posts Tagged ‘park’

Visit the Safari Park to ‘chimp your ride’

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 13, 2014 at 1:17 pm

Visiting a Safari Park is always an adventure. Everyone expects to get leered at by the lions, gawked at by a giraffe and have their car systematically stripped down by a pack of primates.

It is no secret that the monkeys cleverly take those stripped car parts and turn them in to their own sweet rides. Having opposable thumbs makes them excellent grease monkeys. Indeed, many car crooks have slept easy in their beds, knowing that they can quickly get rid of any evidence by monkeying around with the primates.

However, if you are lucky enough to pay a visit to Monkey Jungle in Banana Bay, you could be in for a treat, as the monkey mechanics there have gone one step further by offering their customers a range of custom built baboon saloon cars. Each car off the production line will be unique in every way, depending upon the vehicle the parts were originally swiped from.

If a custom built baboon saloon is not for you, the apes are offering another alternative. They will (using their monkey mates’ monkey wrenches and monkey nuts) chimp your ride.

So, whether you fancy a brand new baboon saloon or you prefer to have the apes chimp your ride, having a monkey’ed up motor will make you king of the jungle.

 

Oshitno Ants attack picknickers in Peckham

In Crazy YarpNews on August 30, 2013 at 12:07 pm

An Oshitno general and his private

A small group of picnickers were unhurt on Wednesday when an army of Asian Oshitno Ants picked the party up intending to take the whole kit and caboodle back to their nest.

Asian Oshitno Ants are notorious for their amazing strength, ferocious appetite and acute killer instincts. It is thought the gang of illegal immigrants stowed away onboard a cargo ship from Laos in Asia. Oshitno Ants have been known to kill picnickers in Laos and so the locals cry a warning of ‘Oshitno’ whenever an army of such ants is spotted in the area.

It is rumored that the army that attacked the picnickers in Peckham Park on Wednesday had chosen to pick on that particular party out of all the other picnickers in Peckham Park. Horrified onlookers watched as the army maneuvered around bins and sign posts to head straight towards the group. The ants then picked up John Tweet (25), Susan Tweet (23), Mrs Tweet’s brother Ivor Longbottom (45) and his finance Isabella Cloot (25 stone), along with their picnic cloth, hamper and food. Quick thinking Mr Tweet cried “Oshitno” and then grabbing Miss Cloot he began to roll her squealing body all over the approaching army. Miss Cloot’s rotund frame successfully held back the oncoming tide while Mr Tweet, his wife and her brother legged it. Miss Cloot sustained minor weight loss during the encounter. She is currently resting and recuperating on a diet of crisps and mars bars.

1,293,471 ants were unfortunately killed during the invasion.

Seal goes a little bit crazy

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on March 20, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Seal terrifies the shit out of some Asian tourists

Seal, the pop star husband of supermodel Heidi Klum is in trouble this week for frightening the shit out of a group of Asian tourists.

Some blame Heidi Klum who was in the park trying to fend off a bunch of paparazzi who were trying to photograph her and her children. It would appear that Seal thought the tourists were reporters out to snap his babies and so he went a bit berserk.

The Asian tourists knew what to do and instinctively began clubbing Seal around the head with anything they could get their hands on. Ironically it was a member of the paparazzi who saved Seal by pointing out to the tourists that they were in fact clubbing international singing star Seal and not a defenseless baby marine animal.

Eventually everything was cleared up and the tourists left the park happy, loaded with a couple of signed DVDs and a voucher for a fish supper for four at the Fish Shack.

As Seal and Heidi were leaving the park, the pop star was overheard to say:

“But, we are never going to survive unless we get a little bit crazy.”

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