Posts Tagged ‘police’

Clowns – responsible for terrifying the shit out of everyone

In Crazy YarpNews, Entertainment on May 7, 2014 at 11:44 am

At last, police capture the clown

The scourge of modern society, that has for years terrorized small children and adults alike, has at last been taken off our streets.

Following a series of dawn raids, the residents of Smileyberg, Illinois will be able to rest easy in their beds tonight. Because last night, the town’s Mayor, Buster Parade declared that being a clown was illegal and following his declaration, every clown, jester and circus fool in the area was rounded up and arrested.

The raids appear to have been triggered after some clown reportedly gave Mr Parade ‘the bird’. Mr Parade was then heard to say: /span>

“They must be joking if those red nosed bastards think they can keep getting away with this.” /span>

Following Mr Parades orders the police raided circus tents, parties, play grounds, children’s hospitals, fast food establishments, bars, strip clubs, homeless shelters and congress – anywhere you would expect to find a clown.

For some, the raids couldn’t come too soon.  There is growing evidence that clowns are not just leering freaks with abnormally big feet, but they are also responsible for a string of horrific murders as well as being a contributing factor to the nation’s increasing obesity.

With a cry of “Stop terrifying the shit out of everyone!” The police rounded up all clowns, all clown supporters and anyone who was wearing too much make-up. The raids were successful as the Police managed to round up over 50 clowns, however several did escape in a wonky car, with one making a get-away on a tiny bike.


Two cops take their love for ballet tutu far

In Crazy YarpNews on April 18, 2014 at 12:38 pm

Nutcracker cops

A Government Inspector was left in shock yesterday after she paid an unscheduled visit to a small rural Police Station and caught two officers with their pants down, engaging in a spot of ballet.

Sleepy Birmingham is a small village in the middle of middle England. The Police Station of this diminutive seaside town is run by two desk cops – a duty sergeant and a regular PC. However, it would seem that instead of fighting crime Duty Sergeant Robin Eublind and PC Peter File spend most of their time re-enacting Swan Lake.

“Imagine my shock when I saw them,” said appalled Government Inspector, Phillippa Quotas. “It was utterly disgusting, their arabesque was passable but their pas de deux was all over the place… and I won’t even comment on their timing.”

The ballet duo has been suspended while an internal enquiry is carried out. Relatives claim that the long hours spent working behind a desk has made the two policemen nutcrackers.

Government Minister, Lewis Ingdaplot, who is in charge of Britain’s Police Force declined to comment, but a little later he was overheard through the walls shouting, “I don’t give a ruddy shit if they have great legs. It’s a bloody PR disaster, the British public don’t want to see the pound wasted on a police force that does nothing but ponce around in tights.”

The three little pigs are wanted by the law

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 3, 2014 at 12:23 pm

The three little piggies wanted by the cops

In a story reminiscent of the age-old fairy tale, three little Vietnamese pot bellied pigs have escaped from a farm in Southampton, England and are currently running amok within the city.

It would seem that a domestic dispute amongst the pigs owners lead to some swine leaving the pigs’ pen open and the three porkers took this as their cue to hit the road.

A spokesperson for the RSPCP said, “It’s a nightmare, as soon as they were free they split up. One little pig went to market, while another headed to town, while the third went off to look for some roast beef. They keep running into the roads, causing chaos with the traffic. We cannot have pigs in the city… at least not real ones.”

Hopefully, the pigs will be rounded up soon. Workers on the farm are preparing for their return, making each of them a new pen.

“We have spared no expense. We have used wood, brick and straw, materials they are already familiar with. They will be really impressed by their new accommodation. They should be as happy as pigs in shit in there. We just need a big bad wolf now to huff and puff and make them cry ‘wee, wee, wee’ all the way home.

The police are urging the public to get involved in the hunt and ask to be contacted should any pig be sighted. However they are advising people to be careful how they report the news to the emergency services operators.

“Obviously using the word ‘pig’ in front of a police officer won’t go down too well,” admitted Chief Constable Bobby Deskman, “In fact if you mentioned the word ’pig’ to  our operators they are liable to put the phone down on you. So, I suggest that anyone spotting any of these fugitive bacon makers should refer to them as the ‘pork chops’ or the ‘rasher dashers’ or something similar that won’t offend the pigs… um… I mean the police.”

Call the cops, my snowman is missing!

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech, World on February 13, 2014 at 3:04 pm
Where's my snowman gone?

Where’s my snowman gone?

It is terrible, but it’s true. Some thieving bastard has stolen a snowman right from outside its owner’s house. The distraught owner who wishes to remain anonymous, so we will call her Miss Nelly Shenko was so upset by the theft that she called the emergency services.

Unfortunately, even though the snowman had pound coins for his eyes and teaspoons for arms, the police remained uninterested in the theft.

“I ain’t being funny,” said Miss Shenko “I just thought that with it being icy out there and there not being anybody about, he’d be safe. It ain’t a nice road, but at the end of the day you don’t expect someone to nick your snowman.”

This snowman theft is the latest in a long line of random thefts that the police have had no interest in. So far a puddle that was recently stolen from the same area has not been recovered nor has a hole in a donut that went missing from Barry’s Burger Bar on the High Street at around 2.15pm last Wednesday.

Police have not warned the public to remain vigilant and have not asked for any witnesses to come forward. Typical!

Police launch the Adopt-a-Thief Scheme

In Crazy YarpNews on October 16, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Hug the policeFrustrated by the growing number of house break-ins combined with the problem of full to bursting prisons, Police in Middle Wallop in Thumpshire, UK, have this week launched a new initiate they call the Adopt-a-Thief Scheme.

The Adopt-a-Thief Scheme calls upon the kindness of good citizens to open their hearts and homes to wayward thieves. Residents will be encouraged to set up traps in their houses and if they are lucky enough to snare a burglar, they will be able to keep him.

“Anyone interested in taking part will be supplied with a free  trap,” said promoter of the Scheme, Senior Chief Constable, Nick Everybody, (19) “They should bait the trap with something nice and shiny like jewellery.”

And according to Senior Chief Constable Everybody, having caught your burglar, the adoption process is fairly quick and easy.

“All you have to do is drop in to the station, fill out an adoption application form and your burglar will be yours to take home. Once you get your new burglar home, spend some time getting to know it. Introduce it to the house and its inhabitants. Many new adoptees can be temperamental and can be set off by little things. However they usually respond well to children and pets.

“Thieves are able to understand a set routine quickly if it is presented to them regularly enough. So be sure to show your thief their new sleeping area, how to use the bathroom and where he is allowed to play on a daily basis. Because of their nature, they are liable to try and escape so we recommend keeping them on a leash at all times.“

Police Chief Constable Nick Everybody would be interested in hearing from anyone who is interested in joining the Adopt-a-Thief Scheme.

“I would like to encourage anyone to take part in the Scheme. It’s an excellent way to help society and those less fortunate than ourselves… and it’s the only way we are going to keep these thieving bastards off our streets.”

The world’s most disgusting sandwich was ordered today

In Crazy YarpNews on April 25, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Be careful what you put in your sandwich!

What is the most disgusting sandwich filling you can think of?

Nothing can be as bad as the sandwich that was ordered earlier today at a Detroit branch of Subway.

An unnamed man calmly walked into the sandwich bar and asked for a liverwurst sausage sandwich on rye covered in bogies and mucus balls, sprinkled with dandruff, with a cup of cold sick on the side.

When the staff refused to prepare his request the customer became very angry and abusive. The staff had no other recourse than to call the sandwich police.

The police, armed with salt and pepper sprays stormed the building intent on arresting the man but in a shocking twist, it was revealed that the customer had ordered a sandwich from the same branch on the previous day.

“I came in yesterday,” he explained to the cops. “And when I ordered a liverwurst sausage sandwich I got the sandwich covered in bogies and mucus, sprinkled with dandruff and it was all served with a cup of cold sick. If they made it that way yesterday why can’t they do it today?”

Fortunately for the unnamed customer, the whole thing was just a huge misunderstanding.

“We had a laugh about it afterwards,” said a member of the Subway staff. “We couldn’t serve the sandwich he ordered because we had just run out of bogies and mucus balls. When we explained that to the customer he was happy to try our new specialty sub, something we call “Dead dog’s testicles.”

Police on the hunt for midget gem thief

In Crazy YarpNews, World on March 18, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Tiny gun discovered near an empty bag of midget gems

Police have today launched a massive man hunt after a London jewelry store woke up to discover that all of the rings in their window display were missing their gems.

Naff Jewelers in Mayfair called in police when they made the shocking discovery that not only had the jewels been swiped but someone had also eaten the stores supply of their favorite candy, Midget Gems.

“While I was opening the store I happened to glance at our window display and noticed that none of the rings had gems,“ explained the store’s Manager, Mrs Precious Stone (39) “ All the diamonds, rubies and emeralds are missing.”

“It seems that the thief or thieves managed to get into the store without triggering the alarms and then calmly sat down and prized all of the gemstones from their settings,” added Mrs Stone. “And they did it while eating all our sweets, the evil, heartless bastards! “

Initially the police had thought that it was an inside job but after a huge in-store search a small gun was discovered, leaving the police to speculate about who the culprit could be.

Police are asking the public to notify them if any jewels or midget gems should suddenly appear on the open market. They are also asking the public to be on the lookout for a gang of midget gem thieves, a group of ruthless toddlers or possibly one big bloke with very tiny hands.

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