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Posts Tagged ‘postaday2011’

Mobile music for the masses

In Crazy YarpNews on July 15, 2016 at 8:23 pm

Old boys Si Desaddle and Lee Ninonkey aka Fat Boy Fat are back on tour!

Fans of eighties pop duo Si Desaddle and Lee Ninonkey aka Fat Boy Fat will be delighted to hear that the old boys are back on tour!

Armed with nothing more than a bicycle pump and a gallon of saddle salve, to help soothe any sores, the guys have reformed in order to bring their music to the masses. They plan to tour America first and then head to the UK and the rest of Europe after, weather permitting.

“For too long people have been listening to synthesised drivel that hardly passes for real music,” stated Fat Boy Fat. “Our extensive tour will bring real music in its pure, raw form right to their doorsteps. We have many tour dates planned, so expect to see us in your neighbourhood soon!”

“We are both excited about our upcoming tour,” added Fat Boy’s pedal man and side kick Si Desaddle. “Personally I am very excited, but Fat Boy Fat is really excited – you will be able to see for yourself when you come to one of our shows.”

Throughout their tour the guys will be performing all of their classic hits including age-old favourites such as:

My lumps, my lovely lardy lumps
Blubber Lubber
Stuff my pie hole
Thunder, thunder, thunder thighs
Has anyone seen my spare tyre?
Lonely sausage

When asked about his decision to perform naked throughout the tour, Fat Boy Fat responded:

“If you got it flaunt it baby!”

Well said, Fat Boy Fat!

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Ford’s new concept car The Confusion is driving people crazy

In Crazy YarpNews on May 21, 2014 at 1:49 pm

Push me, pull you – The Ford Confusion

This morning, in a magnificent ceremony held behind Debbie’s Donner Kebab’s in Scunthorpe, Ford launched their new concept car, The Confusion.

Although the all-new Confusion doesn’t look radically different from other cars, it has significant improvements in terms of fuel economy, seat belt length and interior carpeting. The cleverly evolved design gives the Confusion a fresh, masculine appearance, and yet it retains its unmistakably classic character. The concept is to give drivers a sense of security while confusing the hell out of car jackers, cops, traffic wardens and tailgaters. The spacious interior is designed to comfortably seat four, but with a bit of a squeeze you could maybe fit in three extra old people plus a dog.

Sharing the same bold, inspired look and power ability as a twelve speed Raleigh Shopper, the new Confusion also comes with Fords all-wheel drive system which, thanks to a handily located steering wheel, allows you to turn the car to the right as well as left.

Other advanced features like adaptive controls, lighting, keys and a windshield give the Confusion sideways driving ability. This unique feature helps the driver to avoid tight parallel parking spots forever. Going forward has become the new drifting sideways and drifting sideways has become the new driving forward.

If you love staring out of the window at the houses you pass by and you’re interested in standing out from the crowd, buy a new Confusion. You’d be an idiot not to.

The Ford Confusion, a smart car driven by an idiot.

Health Alert: Digestive biscuits cause indigestion on a Tuesday

In Crazy YarpNews on April 27, 2014 at 12:40 pm

 

Are digestives easy to digest?

Are digestives easy to digest?

The news may be a little difficult to digest,  but a new government report has highlighted a very real danger of indigestion when eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday. Research has apparently proven that you have an 85% chance of getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday, with only a 50% chance of you getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on any other day of the week.

Tuesdays are particularly rife with danger with one near fatal incident already recorded this year with two other incidents requiring a pat on the back.

The Watch Dog for Health and Safety “Do Not Do That” has expressed its concerns and recommends that all digestive biscuit packets carry public health warnings. “We think having the phrase ‘Danger of indigestion, limit ingestion particularly on a Tuesday as digestive biscuits may be hard to digest’ on every packet of digestive biscuits would save lives,” said spokeswoman Janice Runswivsissors.

“We need to alert the public to the dangers of digestive biscuit indigestion and prevent similar tragic events from ever happening on a Tuesday again.”

Student prank drives pensioner around the bend

In Crazy YarpNews on April 12, 2014 at 12:33 pm

 

Going the wrong way? Sssh! No one need every know!

Going the wrong way? Sssh! No one need ever know!

A cruel joke played by a bunch of student pranksters left a little old lady trapped on a roundabout for three whole days. Roundabouts or traffic circles are notoriously difficult to navigate at the best of times, but for one poor pensioner a trip to the library turned into a trip to hell. Unbeknownst to Miss Constance Spirals (82) the usual route she took once a week, on a Thursday, was the centre of a very well organized college prank. The group of freshmen from Privet University, Shrubland, Australia arranged to block every entrance and exit route on the roundabout with a set of large, portable bushes. The cunning kids waited until poor unfortunate Miss Spirals drove on to the circle and before she could exit they deployed their bushes, instantly trapping the simple spinster. With no means of escape the stupid old biddy kept going round and around, hoping the next turn would lead to a way out, but each turn just lead to another hedge. Three days later, friends and neighbours of Miss Spirals realized she was missing and raised the alarm. Police estimate that by the time they found the aged one she had completed over 3,000 circles. Miss Spirals is now back home and although she is still a little dizzy and confused, no one has really noticed. The Police are currently on the lookout for a bunch of leafy students who are disguised as bushes.

Pee Toylet is whizz idea

In Crazy YarpNews on April 3, 2014 at 4:58 pm

Sega’s new Toylet, a game to be pissed on

If you spend too long on toilet breaks you may be accused of flushing your life down the pan, but soon, thanks to Sega’s new Toylet, male commuters in Japan will be able to play in the bathroom all day long.

Fortunately, Sega are not taking the piss, their new dimension in gaming includes a urinal based pressure sensor which allows users to control four different games.

The first is ‘Manneken Pis’ in which the amount of urine you just peed out is calculated.

Next is ‘Graffiti Eraser’ which lets you use your hose to pee-blast graffiti off of a wall. A dirty game but if you have a lot of urine you could clean up.

Probably not a game for gay Toylet players, ‘The North Wind and Her’ turns your piss into wind which can be used to blow off a woman’s dress.

Finally, ‘Milk from Nose’ allows you to go head to head with the guy who used the urinal before you. In this sumo-style game the characters blow milk from their noses and try to push each other out of the sumo ring. The guy who has the strongest pressure wins.

The urinals are still in development, but if you ‘head’ to Japan you may get a chance to pee and play sometime in the near future. In the meantime the rest of the world will have to make do with the old fashioned bathroom games that our grandparents used to play, favorites like‘Chasing a cigarette butt down the urinal’ and ‘Seeing how high you can pee up a wall.’

Miserable moggy’s a suicide bomber

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews, World on February 8, 2014 at 12:44 pm

Colin in his home made suicide bomber vest

In a shocking story, we hear of the sad tale of an 8 year old cat called Colin, who tried to commit suicide on Feline Facebook last night.

The miserable moggy had lost his purr, gone mangy and had begun to smell a bit like pee and so he decided to end his miserable life by killing himself. Having watched too many episodes of Itchy & Scratchy on the Simpsons, he concluded the best way to kill a cat like himself was to blow himself up. So Colin studied suicide bombers and made himself a suicide bomber vest, complete with several sticks of dynamite.

Maybe it was because he had no guts, maybe it was because he had no thumbs, maybe no one on Feline Facebook cared but Colin’s suicide bid failed just moments before he detonated his vest because a little old lady picked him up and dropped him into a wheelie bin.

Unrepentant, Colin has vowed to try to kill himself again. “I have nine lives to try to get this right,” mewed the petulant puss. “I will keep trying until I get to end all of them. I’m gonna make their fur fly”

If you are a cat contemplating suicide, please don’t. You are a very much loved member of society and we luff you. Suicide is not painless and it leaves behind a big mess.

Granny gangs terrorize neighborhood

In Crazy YarpNews on November 16, 2013 at 12:43 pm

Granny Gansta G-Ma and her crew, K-Nit, Pee-Daddy and Wrinkles

We are all aware of the rise of street gang culture; it is in our playgrounds, on our streets and in our clubs. Many of us not involved with a gang assume that street gangs are for the young with members either dying prematurely or growing up and so growing away from all things ‘gang’ by the time they are middle aged.  However for the old folks of Compton Manor in Philadelphia, Creamcheese, USA, the rise and rise of granny gangs has become a frightening reality.

One such gang is GG13 (the GG stands for Granny Gangsta and the 13 refers to the number of original granny gangstas who were once members of the Women’s Institute). GG13 runs the east side of the west side and the north side of the south side. Gangbangers Pee-Daddy, K-Nit, Wrinkles and G-Ma are regularly in trouble with the law for bad ass behavior and causing trouble in the neighborhood.

21 year old Dwayne Jacobs a strip club bouncer said, “They’re scary man, they all hang about the parks, you know what I am saying? Shouting, spitting and stealing from the local shops. It’s a disgrace man. All they do all day is click their false teeth and smell up the place. They need to be off our streets.”

Granny Gansta G-Ma defends her crew, “We is just chillin and kickin back, you know what I’m saying? Just cause these youngsters can’t hack it don’t mean they can pick on us, you know what I’m saying? They need to reee-lax, this shit is for real, you know what I’m saying? If someone don’t shut his mouth someone ain’t gonna make it to Bingo, you know what I’m saying”

If anyone does know what G-Ma is saying, please could they drop us a line at Yarpnews.

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