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Posts Tagged ‘satirical’

Archaeologist unearths fossilized archeologist

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech, World on February 4, 2014 at 1:13 pm

 

Unearthed - an ancient archaeologist

Unearthed – an ancient archaeologist

Archaeologists have this week unearthed a very rare and unusually find. They believe that they have actually found the fossilized remains of the oldest archaeologist ever to be found.  There is still much recording and testing to be done before the find can be verified but archaeologists the world over are very excited by the news.

Tony Robinson, famous friend of the archeologists said, “It’s an amazing discovery. It happened quite by accident just after we finished an episode of Time Team. We had all had quite a bit of Stewart’s geo-fizz down our necks and as so were a little merry. Somehow we managed to plot the readings upside down, but in the end Phil found the site by falling flat on his face and marking it with his nose. The find is thought to be about 1,000 years old, although we have had other reports it maybe 60. However, the fossilized remains come complete with remnants of a beard, jean shorts, hand knitted socks and a pink jumper, along with an array of stone scraping and digging tools, which we are all excited to see as it proves that archaeology has hardly changed over the years.”

A spokesperson for the Team later denied rumors that someone from the Team was missing presumed buried in a shallow grave.

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Dr Dolittle’s dog is dead

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on January 28, 2014 at 12:34 pm
Dr Dolittle's dead dog, Dave

Dr Dolittle’s dead dog, Dave

In a shocking story just in, we learn the tragic news that Dr Dolittle’s dog, Dave is dead

“He called me a bastard, so I stabbed him,” explained the distraught Doctor.

Regular readers will have fond memories of Dave (12) and his crazy sense of humor, which sadly appears to have aided his demise.

When asked why he simply didn’t send Dave to his basket, Dr Doolittle replied, “I could never do that to Dave, he was far too sophisticated, and he would always successfully argue that is was demeaning for him to be treated like a dog. He was a bad dog.”

It would appear that talking to the animals isn’t all it was cracked up to be. Unfortunately, it lead to Dave’s dog days being over. RIP Dave, you’ll be sadly missed.

 

Dr Dolittle wants a new dog

In an unrelated story, Dr Dolittle has today advertised for a new dog.

It seems the multi-lingual doctor is looking for a dumb leggy blonde Labrador aged between 2 and 5 years who enjoys long walks, cozy nights in and stimulating conversation, they must also like athletically chasing small sticks, eating sausages and be willing to answer to the name ‘Dave’.

Dr Dolittle is hoping that this new relationship can lead to something more than just friendship.

 

Typo ruins public health

In Crazy YarpNews on January 24, 2014 at 12:15 pm

 

Would you air your health in public?

Would you air your health in public?

A proof-reading error has today cost the British National Health Service over $300 when the ‘L’ from the word ‘Public’ was inadvertently omitted from all of the Health Service’s publications, pubic notices and pubic health warnings.

“Me and my cow-orkers would like to sincerely apologize to the pubic at large for any embaresent we may have caused by this small but vitally important error,” said Pubic Relations Officer Mr Dickie Belly. “We wood like to give assurarses that we will thurughly chick furtue pubications to mike srue it nevar hoppens agin.” 

Holographic bedroom

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on January 20, 2014 at 12:27 pm

 

Is it a bedroom or a hologram of a bedroom?

Is it a bedroom or a hologram of a bedroom?

Sad science geek William Nermates, has built a hologram of his bedroom… in his bedroom. After ten years of serious research and one year of tinkering about, Mr Nermates finally made a complete and successful holographic reproduction of his bedroom, exact in every tiny detail.

“It’s amazing” said the friendless fool, “when I sit on my bed, it looks and feels exactly like I am sitting on my bed.” 

Mr Nermates has only just started this new and strange hobby. “I hope to reproduce the kitchen next”, added the gormless git, “I will then be able to go to the fridge without leaving my room.”

New Zealand to close on weekends

In Crazy YarpNews on July 9, 2011 at 9:54 am

New Zealand to bugger off for the weekend

The Government of New Zealand today announced a bold move in which they plan to close the entire country down every weekend. The move comes after it became apparent that the country’s entire population would rather go away for the weekend.

Don Key, Prime Minister of New Zealand said, “Me and the other  blokes who run this place decided it would be more fun if we shut up shop every weekend and then the whole country can bugger off somewhere else. Maybe somewhere warmer with less sheep.”

The move follows a trail closure period which was carried out last year.

“We were chuffed with how the trial closure went,” added Mr Key. “Last year we actually closed the whole of New Zealand down twenty times, sometimes for several days at a time. The trial was a huge success as no one noticed the country was closed – not even some of its residents.”

Dodgy magician does disappearing act

In Crazy YarpNews on April 26, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Where's he going?

Dodgy Magician David Plain has reportedly done a disappearing act after being unable to return an elephant he vanished in a magic trick at Cagem Up Zoo in Baltimore, USA. The miserable magic man was last seen by his wife in their Baltimore home. Apparently, Mr Plain and his wife were engaged in a heated ‘discussion’ when he walked into the wardrobe in their bedroom never to be seen again  –

“It’s as if he disappearing through the back of a solidly built piece of furniture,” explained Mrs Plain.

Where the creepy trickster has gone is a mystery. Police are currently on the look out for an average looking man, wearing a black turtle neck sweater, black jeans, black jacket with a suspicious looking receding hairline. If you see a man matching this description, practicing magic, don’t encourage him, instead call the cops.

Courts rule in favour of wife in cock slapping divorce

In Crazy YarpNews on December 23, 2010 at 11:24 am

This morning, the High Court has finally reached a verdict in the divorce case concerning Mr and Mrs Bates.  The courts ruled in favour of Mrs Bates and granted a divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences due to the fact the Mr Bates would not stop slapping Mrs Bates on the forehead with his penis. The habit just became too much for Mrs Bates.

“It was alright at first,” she admitted to the court, ‘but then he started to do it when we were driving and it got dangerous.”

Directly after the hearing Mr Bates took to the court steps and made this statement “It is a sad day when a husband cannot slap his wife around the head with his dick. I mean what harm does a bit of a slap do? I think it is a disgrace that the courts even allowed this case to be heard, next you won’t be able to rest your balls on your mates chin or dangle your bits in his pint glass while he is at the bar!”

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