yarpnews

Posts Tagged ‘science’

When is a tail not a tail?

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on June 9, 2014 at 12:45 pm

If that’s not a tail between its legs, does it mean it’s pleased to see me?

When you’re a busy biologist, naming new species can be a bit of a drag. Not only do you have to come up with something interesting and relevant in English, but you also have to come up with another often unpronounceable Latin version for its scientific name.

The trouble with spending all your time naming things is you don’t have much time to check that the names you’ve been handing out are correct.

Consider the Ascaphus Truei, which is otherwise known as the Coastal Tailed Frog. Yes, it is a frog and yes, it does hang out near the coast, but hang on a minute, is that really a tail between it’s legs?

So, if it’s not a tail, what is that large appendage? Why, it’s the equipment that froggy went a-courting with!

And there is the rub. The poor little frog proudly drags his mighty manhood around, but gets no recognition for his talent, even though it can grow up to a quarter of the length of his body! That’s huge

Although the comparative size of the beast to its ‘tail’ is impressive, it’s not what you’ve got, but what you do with it that counts and here the Coastal Tailed Frog shines, as it is the master of wagging its ‘tail’.

“It actually swivels around to different positions,” said aquatic ecologist, Harry Toadlicker. “Also, they have sex in very cold water, which is not easy either.”

Fortunately, for the little frog, the ladies don’t seem to mind that his most unique attribute has been incorrectly named – the latest buzz around the fish pond is that there are a bevy of wide mouthed beauties keen to meet a coastal ‘tailed’ frog.

Scientists discover micro toilet

In Crazy YarpNews on March 6, 2014 at 1:13 pm

The miniscule micro loo

Scientists have discovered a new micro-organism that is thought to be responsible for the bug that causes vomiting and diarrhea. The bug, most commonly known as ‘the shits’, usually strikes during the winter, or after the consumption of large amounts of alcohol and a curry, causing misery to millions.

Thankfully, the geeks at Water Closet University, WC searched tirelessly to find the cause of the terrible puking, shitting affliction. What they discovered however went way beyond their wildest expectations as the organism responsible for making you spend so much time on the loo is actually shaped like a toilet.

“It’s an amazing discovery,” chirped chief scientist Professor Lou Seat. “We spent a long time wondering why we had to keep running to the john, and now we know why. Obviously, there was something inherent in us and it turns out it was the toilet itself. We hope to continue our work so that we can find the cure. Maybe that will be shaped like a bog brush or a roll of toilet paper?”

Holographic bedroom

In Crazy YarpNews, Science/tech on January 20, 2014 at 12:27 pm

 

Is it a bedroom or a hologram of a bedroom?

Is it a bedroom or a hologram of a bedroom?

Sad science geek William Nermates, has built a hologram of his bedroom… in his bedroom. After ten years of serious research and one year of tinkering about, Mr Nermates finally made a complete and successful holographic reproduction of his bedroom, exact in every tiny detail.

“It’s amazing” said the friendless fool, “when I sit on my bed, it looks and feels exactly like I am sitting on my bed.” 

Mr Nermates has only just started this new and strange hobby. “I hope to reproduce the kitchen next”, added the gormless git, “I will then be able to go to the fridge without leaving my room.”

Savvy scientist breaks land speed record

In Crazy YarpNews on August 8, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Stephen Hawking is gutted he missed the land speed record

Super brain genius Stephen Hawking was last night caught doing 850 miles an hour through Cricklewood High Street in his custom built electric wheel chair.

Police Officers called to the scene reported that they saw a ‘crazy scientific blur streaking down the road’ before they managed to deploy a stinger which eventually stopped the speeding scientist. Upon closer inspection of Mr Hawking’s chair it was discovered that the motor contained a dilithium crystal converter.

“You were lucky to catch me”, commented the metal toned mastermind, “if I didn’t have such tiny wheels, I would be doing warp speed by now.”

Although Police radar confirmed Mr Hawking’s speed, the speeding scientist cannot officially claim the land speed record because he only went one way down the High Street

The animal kingdom is laughing at us behind our backs

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

A laughing labrador

Cat and dog owners may already suspect it, but after years of exhaustive research, scientists can categorically prove that the animal kingdom is laughing at us behind our backs.

Suspicions began to rise in the 1880’s when Lord Frederick Von Freely-Robsland III thought he heard a fox giggle. No one at the time believed Lord Von Freely-Robsland III, but the upper crust don’t take kindly to being laughed at and this apparent incident spawned the very first fox hunt.

A little chortling cat

Years later and Professor Robin Watcher from UCLA was doing some tests on small rabbits when he heard one of them snigger.

“I was having a difficult time in the lab,” explained Professor Watcher. “I was all fingers and thumbs that day and I managed to drop all my notes on the floor. When I bent over to pick them up I split my pants and that’s when I distinctly heard a rabbit snigger.

“This of course set my mind racing and set me off one a whole new course of research.”

A sniggering seal

Professor Watcher then went on to carefully study as many animals as he possibly could.

“What I discovered was absolutely amazing. Not only do wild animals laugh at us, but it seems that domestic pets have a highly sophisticated sense of humor. If you have never seen your dog or cat laugh then either you are not looking closely enough, or they are using their poker skills on you – they have excellent poker faces you know.

“I believe that domestic animals are extremely fun loving. They find old people particularly funny and tend to gravitate towards them. They really love old people, but they like the rest of us too.

And an hysterical Polar Bear

“They are constantly playing jokes on us. One joke they really like to play is to pretend they can see or hear something that their owners can’t. They love to see the scared and confused look on our faces – that really cracks them up.”

Unfortunately for Professor Watcher, the scientific journal The Lancet has refused to publish his findings.

“It is very frustrating,” admitted Professor Watcher. “It seems that they don’t want to believe me. They would rather believe in UFOs although there is no scrap of proof.  I have all these photos and documented evidence but confront them with laughing animals and they don’t want to know.”

Evil is the root of all money

In Crazy YarpNews on March 13, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Oooh Eeeeevil!

Money is the big focus in most people’s lives. Money can bring happiness with one hand and utter devastation with the other. This was a concern that kept top linguist Professor Dick Shunnary up at night. So much so that he dedicated the last fifteen years to trying to understand ‘money’ and how it affects us all.  

 “We were interested in understanding ‘money’,“ explained Professor Dick Shunnary. “We reasoned that if we could get a good grasp on ‘money’, we could probably find an answer to all of the world’s problems.

“We began with the phrase “Money is the root of all evil”. We looked at that phrase from every angle and after a while decided that the word ‘evil’ was a good place as any to start our research.  

“So we took ‘evil’ and examined it very closely. Looking closely at ‘evil’ is not a nice job I can tell you. I mean ‘evil’ is a nasty customer but we did it and what we discovered opened our eyes to a lot of things.

“Everyone knows that ‘evil’ is bad. When there is evil in the world there is a lot of ‘hate’ around too. So from that we can conclude that ‘evil’ is strongly linked to ‘hate’.

“To hate someone is a crime and as every criminal knows crime leads to ‘time’ – usually five to twenty years.

“Time is never to be wasted. It is a valuable commodity. Everyone is fully aware that ‘time is money’.  If time is money, then time equals money.

“So, in other words:

“EVIL leads to HATE which leads to CRIME which leads to doing TIME which equals MONEY.

“Therefore, ‘evil’ is actually the root of all ‘money’.

“Once we discovered that, we knew we were really on to something big. If ‘evil’ is the root of all money, then it is all ‘evil’s’ fault.”

 

 

%d bloggers like this: