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Posts Tagged ‘UK’

Rare species of shark spotted off the coast of Devon

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on May 12, 2014 at 1:47 pm

Rare sighting of manko shark

A British couple were in for a shock yesterday tea time when a Manko Shark swam just metres from the shore at Insewage in Devon.

“I was about to go in for a paddle when up it popped,” explained father of seven and full time invalidity benefit collector, Rob Yamoma (29). “I could tell it was aggressive, just by the evil look it was giving my Mrs.  I ran about shouting ‘SHARK!’  and I am sure I scared it off. I probably saved a lot of lives today.”

Rob Yamoma’s companion and baby moma, Dizzy Bird (25) added, “Me and Rob were alone on the beach when this flipping great shark reared up out of the water, straight in front of us. It scared the pants off me… It frightened Rob so much he started crying.”

Experts identified the creature as an endangered manko, which although potentially dangerous, is not known to have attacked anyone in British waters. Mankos are one of the fastest and most agile of sharks, capable of jumping fully out of the water.

Cliff Walker (37) from the Seaside Trust, who saw the creature, said he thought the animal may have been injured.

“It was behaving oddly, on occasions it almost beached itself and I got the impression it was not well. This species sometimes visits the Devon coastline, although it does not usually venture so close to the shore.”

Insewage Beach was open today but officials are advising swimmers to remain cautious.

“No-one should be concerned,” continued Mr Walker. “Attacks around here are almost unheard of, so if anyone else gets bitten it wouldn’t be the first time.”

The manko can be found in very small numbers all over the world. It mostly eats fish and chips and peas with plenty of salt, vinegar and red sauce.

The three little pigs are wanted by the law

In Animals, Crazy YarpNews on March 3, 2014 at 12:23 pm

The three little piggies wanted by the cops

In a story reminiscent of the age-old fairy tale, three little Vietnamese pot bellied pigs have escaped from a farm in Southampton, England and are currently running amok within the city.

It would seem that a domestic dispute amongst the pigs owners lead to some swine leaving the pigs’ pen open and the three porkers took this as their cue to hit the road.

A spokesperson for the RSPCP said, “It’s a nightmare, as soon as they were free they split up. One little pig went to market, while another headed to town, while the third went off to look for some roast beef. They keep running into the roads, causing chaos with the traffic. We cannot have pigs in the city… at least not real ones.”

Hopefully, the pigs will be rounded up soon. Workers on the farm are preparing for their return, making each of them a new pen.

“We have spared no expense. We have used wood, brick and straw, materials they are already familiar with. They will be really impressed by their new accommodation. They should be as happy as pigs in shit in there. We just need a big bad wolf now to huff and puff and make them cry ‘wee, wee, wee’ all the way home.

The police are urging the public to get involved in the hunt and ask to be contacted should any pig be sighted. However they are advising people to be careful how they report the news to the emergency services operators.

“Obviously using the word ‘pig’ in front of a police officer won’t go down too well,” admitted Chief Constable Bobby Deskman, “In fact if you mentioned the word ’pig’ to  our operators they are liable to put the phone down on you. So, I suggest that anyone spotting any of these fugitive bacon makers should refer to them as the ‘pork chops’ or the ‘rasher dashers’ or something similar that won’t offend the pigs… um… I mean the police.”


Typo ruins public health

In Crazy YarpNews on January 24, 2014 at 12:15 pm

 

Would you air your health in public?

Would you air your health in public?

A proof-reading error has today cost the British National Health Service over $300 when the ‘L’ from the word ‘Public’ was inadvertently omitted from all of the Health Service’s publications, pubic notices and pubic health warnings.

“Me and my cow-orkers would like to sincerely apologize to the pubic at large for any embaresent we may have caused by this small but vitally important error,” said Pubic Relations Officer Mr Dickie Belly. “We wood like to give assurarses that we will thurughly chick furtue pubications to mike srue it nevar hoppens agin.” 

Britain reveals new super-in junction

In Crazy YarpNews on May 7, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Going the wrong way? Sssh! No one need ever know!

Do you find life confusing? Ever felt like you are going nowhere? Well now you can get precise directions… well, um sort of.

It is all too easy to get lost. One minute you are going in one direction, minding your own business, say happily cheating on your wife and then someone comes along and turns your world upside down by threatening to tell on you.

Well, thanks to Britain’s judicial system, you can take a wrong turn and if you mess up real bad, you can stop everyone from laughing at you by getting a judge to order everyone to keep their mouths shut.

To use this super-in junction, just follow these simple instructions: If you are travelling from Marr-ket Place and you want to make a dodgy detour to a red light district, you need to take McGregor Way or Bonneville Boulevard. Or if you fancy a bit of slap and tickle while avoiding her indoors, then head up one of the back alleys like Giggs Grove or Threfall Avenue.

So, you can safely go around in circles, your life will still go down the pan, but at least no one will get to talk about it.

But where is this very super super-in junction? We’d like to tell you where it is but a British judge said we couldn’t.

Everyone resign… it’s good for the country

In Crazy YarpNews on March 22, 2011 at 1:52 pm

The clever, but obviously a bit smelly, Mr Simon Cowell

Top celebrity and music mogul Simon Cowell is not such a towel as everyone makes out. Our undercover reporter Vikki Leeks has discovered a little project he has hidden under his very high belt called: How to save Britain’s failing economy.

According to our sources Mr Cowell is clever yet simple and so is his proactive approach to reducing Britain’s dangerously high unemployment statistics.

It works like this: Under British law people who resign do not qualify for unemployment benefit for at least six months. So a resignation does not instantly affect the unemployment statistics. The vacant position can now be filled by someone who is unemployed, thus reducing the number of people who are claiming unemployment benefit.

Some may argue that Mr Cowell’s plan is just a fancy ploy to trick people into resigning from their jobs. However, Mr Cowell insists that his plan will have instant and positive effects.

“I would urge David Cameron and the other bloke who runs the country to really consider this course of action,” stated Mr Cowell. “I was just counting a small truck load of my money when I realized I could be worth a lot more money if the UK wasn’t so crap. So I said to myself, Simon, you beautiful man, it is up to you to fix things.”

Since making his announcement Mr Cowell has been ignoring politicians and talking to publishers. An insider said that there is a book in the pipeline in which Mr Cowell lays out his detailed plans for saving the British economy.

The book, titled ‘The Exit Factor’, is said to include tips about how to trick an employee into resigning, including how to successfully accuse the innocent of embezzlement, sexual harassment, workplace bullying etc., whatever it takes to force them to resign.

 

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