Hot man melts

 

Man makes his own people puddle

It’s hot, hot, hot outside, hot enough to fry an egg… or melt a person.

And that’s just what happened this morning when California native Hugo Sticky (28) popped out for a breakfast burrito.

“I just finished eating a hot burrito, when I had a feeling something was wrong,” explained Mr Sticky “I felt really strange, kind of down and deflated. I said to a lady who was passing by ‘Man my ass is really hot,’ and she agreed.

“At first I thought I was just shrinking as I seemed to be getting shorter. But I was sweating like crazy and I said to the burrito guy, ‘Man it’s so hot out here even the chickens are laying hard boiled eggs. I mean I feel like I am melting’ and he laughed and said ‘You are’ and when I looked down I saw that he was right and there was nothing left of me but this people puddle.”

“It was really freaky,” added the burrito guy. “He was like, ‘I am so hot man, I’m melting.’ And I was like ‘yeah man, you are!“

Doctors are today warning of the dangers of melting on hot, hot, hot days.

“There were two main reasons why Mr Sticky melted,” explained eminent scientist and DJ, Dr Indahouse. “The first of course, is the outside temperature. I mean it’s hotter than the devil’s dick out there. I recommend to all my patients that they stay indoors and try not to melt. The other thing I recommend is that they never, ever eat a burrito full of extra hot chili peppers. And if they do, never to eat a burrito full of Trinidad Scorpion Butch T peppers because they are extremely hot. I would hate to think what would happen to someone who say ate a breakfast burrito full of Trinidad Scorpion Butch T peppers on a very hot day like today… they would probably melt.”

Mobile music for the masses

Old boys Si Desaddle and Lee Ninonkey aka Fat Boy Fat are back on tour!

Fans of eighties pop duo Si Desaddle and Lee Ninonkey aka Fat Boy Fat will be delighted to hear that the old boys are back on tour!

Armed with nothing more than a bicycle pump and a gallon of saddle salve, to help soothe any sores, the guys have reformed in order to bring their music to the masses. They plan to tour America first and then head to the UK and the rest of Europe after, weather permitting.

“For too long people have been listening to synthesised drivel that hardly passes for real music,” stated Fat Boy Fat. “Our extensive tour will bring real music in its pure, raw form right to their doorsteps. We have many tour dates planned, so expect to see us in your neighbourhood soon!”

“We are both excited about our upcoming tour,” added Fat Boy’s pedal man and side kick Si Desaddle. “Personally I am very excited, but Fat Boy Fat is really excited – you will be able to see for yourself when you come to one of our shows.”

Throughout their tour the guys will be performing all of their classic hits including age-old favourites such as:

My lumps, my lovely lardy lumps
Blubber Lubber
Stuff my pie hole
Thunder, thunder, thunder thighs
Has anyone seen my spare tyre?
Lonely sausage

When asked about his decision to perform naked throughout the tour, Fat Boy Fat responded:

“If you got it flaunt it baby!”

Well said, Fat Boy Fat!

When is a tail not a tail?

If that’s not a tail between its legs, does it mean it’s pleased to see me?

When you’re a busy biologist, naming new species can be a bit of a drag. Not only do you have to come up with something interesting and relevant in English, but you also have to come up with another often unpronounceable Latin version for its scientific name.

The trouble with spending all your time naming things is you don’t have much time to check that the names you’ve been handing out are correct.

Consider the Ascaphus Truei, which is otherwise known as the Coastal Tailed Frog. Yes, it is a frog and yes, it does hang out near the coast, but hang on a minute, is that really a tail between it’s legs?

So, if it’s not a tail, what is that large appendage? Why, it’s the equipment that froggy went a-courting with!

And there is the rub. The poor little frog proudly drags his mighty manhood around, but gets no recognition for his talent, even though it can grow up to a quarter of the length of his body! That’s huge

Although the comparative size of the beast to its ‘tail’ is impressive, it’s not what you’ve got, but what you do with it that counts and here the Coastal Tailed Frog shines, as it is the master of wagging its ‘tail’.

“It actually swivels around to different positions,” said aquatic ecologist, Harry Toadlicker. “Also, they have sex in very cold water, which is not easy either.”

Fortunately, for the little frog, the ladies don’t seem to mind that his most unique attribute has been incorrectly named – the latest buzz around the fish pond is that there are a bevy of wide mouthed beauties keen to meet a coastal ‘tailed’ frog.

Dr Doolittle makes FBI Most Wanted list

Your money or your nine lives!

Dr Doolittle has finally made the FBI’s top ten Most Wanted list for crimes against the animal kingdom.

After committing numerous hideous crimes such as swindling squirrels out of their nuts, tricking elephants out of their swimming trunks and killing his own dog with a kitchen knife, Dr Doolittle has sunk to an even worse low. Yesterday he was involved in the brutal mugging of a defenceless kitten (aged 3 ½ weeks) at gunpoint.

The once adored animal whisperer had no excuse for this disgusting act of depravity, but he stated to Yarpnews that he was only preying on unsuspecting kittens because he mistakenly believed that people keep their cash in a ‘kitty’. What a douche bag.

Kim and penis-pillow shocker

Kim Pillow

Shocking news just in: Everyone’s favourite curvy girl, Mrs Kim Kardashian-West has not launched a new range of home furnishings based on her striking silhouette.

There was no launch party at LA’s famous Opera nightclub and among those who did not attend were illustrious A-listers such as Cameron Diaz, Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert Downey Jr.  Paris Hilton was also not invited.

A spokesperson for the ‘Kim-me Hug-me’ pillow was not available for comment, but a non-spokesperson did admit that the similarity between the two was ‘terrifying’. While another said “I want to burn my eyes out.”

Controversy is rife with many people turning to social media to say, ‘WTF! I am so confused!’  What is clear is that whether the famous for being famous, Kardashian clan have cashed in on the unbelievable figure of their most well-known off-spring, or not, Kim does look like a penis-shaped pillow.

One observer said “It’s undeniable that Kim looks like a penis-shaped pillow. But I ask you which came first, Kim or the penis thing? It has to be coincidental, that or someone’s guilty of over stuffing.”

Another cock and ball story brought to you by Yarpnews.

 

Have you spotted the lesser spotted Googly-Eyed Google bird?

Site of where the googly-eyed google bird was supposedly last spotted

Bird watchers all over Canada have gone a flutter today over the recent sighting of one of the rarest birds in the world. The Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed bird (sometimes referred to as a Google) is a very unusual bird indeed. With its bright orange, yellow and blue plumage and massive googly-eyes, you would think a bird like that would be easy to spot, but the Lesser Spotted Googly-Eyed Google is a master of disguise. So, when the folks of Watchusaw, Canada had a hint that a Googly-Eyed Google bird may be in their neighbourhood, everyone was clucking with excitement.

Unfortunately, for all the crazy twitchers the sighting appears to have been someone’s idea of a sick joke, because no one in Canada has managed to confirm the sighting, let alone capture a photo.

“Shame aboot that, eh?” said Chief Constable, Head Chef and Lord Mayor of Watchusaw, Duncan Headinabowl. “Still, nothing interesting ever happens here in Canada, and so we are pleased that nothing has changed.”

Hospital blunder gives growth hormone to back pain sufferer

There’s something seriously wrong here!

Having spent six months in hospital after a serious back operation, Mr Ben Dover was looking forward to returning home to his family.

Unfortunately, instead of being administering a standard course of anti-inflammatory treatment, Mr Dover was given the wrong tablets, ones commonly used to help children with growth difficulties.

The hospital gaff was only noticed when Mr Dover could no longer fit into his hospital bed. It was then that hospital staff realised Mr Dover was at least two feet taller.

Mr Dover’s family are considering numerous ideas to help him with his unfortunate predicament. Ideas range from moving to Holland (where the average person’s height is well over six foot) to converting a church into a home so that Mr Dover can stand up at the ‘pointy’ end.

Mr Dover’s wife Eileen has hastily erected a large marquee in their back garden, so Mr Dover will at least have a roof over his head, even if it is a temporary one.

Mr Ben ‘lanky, streak of piss’ Dover has admitted that he quite likes his new found height and is currently awaiting trials for the N.B.A team the L.A Lakers. Proud wife, Mrs Eileen Dover said, “At least his height helps him with his favourite hobbies. He loves hand feeding giraffes, apple picking, collecting cats from high trees and looking into high windows late at night.”