Alive! – The incredible story of one shipwreck survivor

Phil Meegut on board HMS Fat Guy

When his ship the SS Fat Guy went down in heavy seas off the coast of India, everyone feared that Captain Phil Meegut and his crew of ten men had all drowned. So imagine the surprise and delight of six fishermen who discovered the castaway Captain, struggling to survive on a tiny deserted island almost two years after his ship was lost at sea.

“We sail passed island on our way home,” explained Fillipino Fisherman Eet Chikunfeet (29). “Someone say, ‘what that’ and point to big pink man, sun bathing on the beach. So we go pick him up.”

What is even more incredible in this almost unbelievable tale of survival is that unlike Tom Hank’s character in the movie Cast Away, who got really skinny and ended up talking to a volley ball, Captain Meegut was in great spirits.

“You really have to marvel at his ability to survive,” said Coast Guard Commander Gail Force (39). “He put all his skills down to Bear Grylls, apparently he saw one episode of Man vs Wild on the Discovery Channel just before his fateful trip.  It’s absolutely incredible what he learned considering the island he was found on is basically a rock with a couple of palm trees on it. He was so successful at finding food that he gained 150 pounds during his ordeal.”

It is believed that the entire crew of the SS Fat Guy originally managed to make it to the island and their clothes and personal possessions have been found in a pile under a palm tree. However the current whereabouts of the ten-man crew remains a mystery. Someone asked Captain Phil Meegut what happened to the rest of his crew, but he just burped and muttered something about indigestion.

Rare species of shark spotted off the coast of Devon

Rare sighting of manko shark

A British couple were in for a shock yesterday tea time when a Manko Shark swam just metres from the shore at Insewage in Devon.

“I was about to go in for a paddle when up it popped,” explained father of seven and full time invalidity benefit collector, Rob Yamoma (29). “I could tell it was aggressive, just by the evil look it was giving my Mrs.  I ran about shouting ‘SHARK!’  and I am sure I scared it off. I probably saved a lot of lives today.”

Rob Yamoma’s companion and baby moma, Dizzy Bird (25) added, “Me and Rob were alone on the beach when this flipping great shark reared up out of the water, straight in front of us. It scared the pants off me… It frightened Rob so much he started crying.”

Experts identified the creature as an endangered manko, which although potentially dangerous, is not known to have attacked anyone in British waters. Mankos are one of the fastest and most agile of sharks, capable of jumping fully out of the water.

Cliff Walker (37) from the Seaside Trust, who saw the creature, said he thought the animal may have been injured.

“It was behaving oddly, on occasions it almost beached itself and I got the impression it was not well. This species sometimes visits the Devon coastline, although it does not usually venture so close to the shore.”

Insewage Beach was open today but officials are advising swimmers to remain cautious.

“No-one should be concerned,” continued Mr Walker. “Attacks around here are almost unheard of, so if anyone else gets bitten it wouldn’t be the first time.”

The manko can be found in very small numbers all over the world. It mostly eats fish and chips and peas with plenty of salt, vinegar and red sauce.

Health Alert: Digestive biscuits cause indigestion on a Tuesday

 

Are digestives easy to digest?

The news may be a little difficult to digest,  but a new government report has highlighted a very real danger of indigestion when eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday. Research has apparently proven that you have an 85% chance of getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on a Tuesday, with only a 50% chance of you getting indigestion after eating digestive biscuits on any other day of the week.

Tuesdays are particularly rife with danger with one near fatal incident already recorded this year with two other incidents requiring a pat on the back.

The Watch Dog for Health and Safety “Do Not Do That” has expressed its concerns and recommends that all digestive biscuit packets carry public health warnings. “We think having the phrase ‘Danger of indigestion, limit ingestion particularly on a Tuesday as digestive biscuits may be hard to digest’ on every packet of digestive biscuits would save lives,” said spokeswoman Janice Runswivsissors.

“We need to alert the public to the dangers of digestive biscuit indigestion and prevent similar tragic events from ever happening on a Tuesday again.”

Student prank drives pensioner around the bend

 

Going the wrong way? Sssh! No one need ever know!

A cruel joke played by a bunch of student pranksters left a little old lady trapped on a roundabout for three whole days. Roundabouts or traffic circles are notoriously difficult to navigate at the best of times, but for one poor pensioner a trip to the library turned into a trip to hell. Unbeknownst to Miss Constance Spirals (82) the usual route she took once a week, on a Thursday, was the centre of a very well organized college prank. The group of freshmen from Privet University, Shrubland, Australia arranged to block every entrance and exit route on the roundabout with a set of large, portable bushes. The cunning kids waited until poor unfortunate Miss Spirals drove on to the circle and before she could exit they deployed their bushes, instantly trapping the simple spinster. With no means of escape the stupid old biddy kept going round and around, hoping the next turn would lead to a way out, but each turn just lead to another hedge. Three days later, friends and neighbours of Miss Spirals realized she was missing and raised the alarm. Police estimate that by the time they found the aged one she had completed over 3,000 circles. Miss Spirals is now back home and although she is still a little dizzy and confused, no one has really noticed. The Police are currently on the lookout for a bunch of leafy students who are disguised as bushes.

Vice President in mix up with President of Vice

 

Vice Captain or Captain of Vice?

The courier service PH Hell, have today admitted that they have may have mistakenly delivered a parcel to Joe Biden, Vice President, The White House, West Wing instead of its intended recipient Mr Blow Bigguns, President of Vice, The White Ho House, West Wind.

The embarrassing mix up came to light when King of porn, Mr Bigguns realized that he and his lovely ‘ho’s’ had not received their regular monthly order for a mixed assortment of rubber bondage wear, a box of adjustable nipple clamps, a gimp mask and a range of whips. Concerned about his lack of delivery Mr Bigguns contacted the courier service only to be told that the parcel had already been delivered to the White House.

“It seems the delivery driver is a little dyslexic, so it’s easy to see how the confusion came about,” laughed Mr Bigguns.

In his defense, delivery driver Don Stopping said, “It’s not easy to read addresses at the best of times, but the handwriting on this particular parcel was very shaky and hard to read. Also, the address was written in ink and it had rained so all the words were blurry. It’s not my fault I couldn’t read it properly. Besides, I have delivered hundreds of similar boxes there in the past, so I thought this one was meant to go there too – how was I to know it was meant for a porn king?”

Strangely enough, despite PH Hell admitting their error a White House spokesperson denies that the White House or anyone in Joe Biden’s office has received any parcels, let alone any full of kinky gear intended for a porn king.

Whatever the truth is we may never know, but if it didn’t reach The White Ho House and it didn’t get delivered to The White House, what did happen to Mr Bigguns’ missing parcel?

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Mr Bigguns box of sex toys, please contact the White House and let them know.

Scientists discover micro toilet

The miniscule micro loo

Scientists have discovered a new micro-organism that is thought to be responsible for the bug that causes vomiting and diarrhea. The bug, most commonly known as ‘the shits’, usually strikes during the winter, or after the consumption of large amounts of alcohol and a curry, causing misery to millions.

Thankfully, the geeks at Water Closet University, WC searched tirelessly to find the cause of the terrible puking, shitting affliction. What they discovered however went way beyond their wildest expectations as the organism responsible for making you spend so much time on the loo is actually shaped like a toilet.

“It’s an amazing discovery,” chirped chief scientist Professor Lou Seat. “We spent a long time wondering why we had to keep running to the john, and now we know why. Obviously, there was something inherent in us and it turns out it was the toilet itself. We hope to continue our work so that we can find the cure. Maybe that will be shaped like a bog brush or a roll of toilet paper?”

Revolutionary new slimming aid shrinks your head

Eucaneatitol could prove popular with fat heads

Scientists have this week released the first results of clinical trials to test a new weight loss formula called ‘Eucaneatitol’. Eucaneatitol is revolutionary in that it is said to completely burn fat within a few days, making you instantly slimmer without you having to lift a finger.

However the potion, made from an intricate blend of rare cactus extract, royal jelly, mung beans, soy milk and hemorrhoid ointment doesn’t come without controversy. There are a few side effects, such as heart palpitations, breathing problems and headaches, but the main drawback is that so far it seems to only work on people’s heads.

“Well, it’s a start” shrugged Professor of Nutrition Lou Swaite from Lick Fork University. “Hopefully, long term use will see the effect work its way down the body.”

Despite this minor setback Professor Swaite and his colleagues are looking forward to launching Eucaneatitol on the market.

“I know having a pea sized head isn’t for everyone,” confessed Professor Swaite. “But on the plus side it means your mouth is a lot smaller, so you can’t eat that much and we think that will prove popular to some people. Also, tests have proven that it can reduce cholesterol, which everyone knows is a killer. So if all these factors don’t lead to Eucaneatitol being used as a slimming aid, we are sure that we can sell it to people with fat heads.”